Monday, February 13, 2006

Too Scared to Sleep

I can't sleep again. And I feel like throwing up. And I can't stop crying. I'm so tired. I don't know how to make this stop. I can barely see this computer screen right now because my eyes are so blurry from crying. God... I really think I might throw up all over again.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am always at a constant loss of who I am or where to go. Ever since I was raped, I have been walking around this world like a empty shell. Ever since he raped me, my life has ended but I am not dead. So how do I learn to live again?

I think my life would be easier if I had someone I could count on and trust, but I know I can't have that until I learn to trust myself again. I used to be so social, outgoing and fun but now I struggle to just get out of bed in the mornings. I never know what kind of day I will have. Or what kind of night. Will I have nightmares again? Will I hear his voice and see his face everytime I close my eyes? Will I wake up in cold sweats and leave on all of the lights and tv because I am too scared and alone when it's dark?

My life has never been as confusing as it is now. I feel like I am always fighting with him, my rapist, Jay. I feel like he won't leave me alone. Like he left something with me and I have to give it back to him. But he took something, too. So he took what was mine and left me with what I can't get rid of. What a cruel, cruel life this world has given to me. I don't want it anymore. Seven suicide attempts are proof of that.

Have you been raped? Do you know anyone that was raped? If you answered yes, then I am truly sorry because I wish this kind of pain, turmoil, confusion, fear and loneliness upon absolutely NO ONE. Experiencing your own death, only to come out alive, is the most awful, draining, most difficult thing I have ever had to endure... and process... and accept.

How do I accept my rape? How do I move on from this? I desperately want to feel safe with a boyfriend or a lover. I don't want to doubt his intentions, but I can't help it. Some might say I can, but I really, truly can't. I have tried. I have been through too much counseling and have reasearched rape to no end. I have done everything... except feel it.

I know that is what is happening right now... it's as if I'm feeling everything for the first time and that is why my tears flood out of me uncontrollably when I least expect it... like now... I just put my head against the pillow, checked my alarm and closed my eyes when it hit me: I am all alone and too scared. I pray for an easier way through this. But there is no easy way out when you are raped. Everything is so much more difficult because it isn't about a mistake or a choice you made - rape is about your power, dignity, self-worth, attitude, personality, smile, love, heart, faith, hopes and dreams being ripped out of you so damn hard that you can feel nothing but yourself falling rapidly down a cold, dark black hole. You pray you will finally feel (whatever is left of) your body crash against the bottom of this hole your rapist threw you into. But you never hit rock bottom. You just keep falling faster and further away from the only world and life you have ever known.

My eyes are so tired from crying that I can barely keep them open anymore. I am too scared to sleep so I have to leave my tv on. Goodnight... for now... unless I have more nightmares of being chased and unable to move or cry for help.

12 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a great site
»

7/18/2006 4:45 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Hi The Missing Link,

I have just found your site 30 minutes earlier, I haven't been able to read all of your posts, but from the very first post I believe that this is a great site and you are a strong girl. I have never been through what you've been through - so no matter how I put it I still cannot TRULY understand your pain; and although you might never want to hear this, yet still I know you're hurt and I'm praying the best for you.

I will keep watching your blog.

Best wishes from a reader,
Rachel

5/24/2007 10:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I find this site very powerful - www.heathergemmen.com

also please read her book: 'Starling Beauty - my journey from rape to restoration'

available in most bookstores..

also read this book: 'Woman, Thou Art Loosed" by TD Jakes.

will pray for you.

12/10/2007 9:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG! I read this just googling how to finally forget about my rape experience and I was ok through the whole thing until I read that you sleep with the TV on because you're too scared...it's been six years since i've been raped and I STILL have to sleep with the tv on!! I had hoped that it would end, but i still need it. I can't stand that my husband has to work over night every 2 months because i get like NO sleep the whole time. I cherish every moment that he is home at night because then I know I'm safe. I just want to stop being so scared! I don't know how to do that

1/03/2008 5:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

eRm..Are we supposed to care that you got raped? fine we care but WHAT CAN WE DO except giv u false comforting and sympathy to make you feel better?U cld be just making this just cause your bored and want to see other's opinions about raped victims.Your so "Raped,Lost & Alone" go ask to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show for heaven's sakes.but anyway im sure you wouldnt put this comment on your blog cause it doesnt agree with your dilema.so wad eva just read it yourself =).

3/11/2008 9:03 PM  
Anonymous sarah jacobs said...

What a pathetic insensitive and cynical creature - the so called anonymous who claimed 'so what if you've been raped ?' So this is no doubt another 'anonymous' and heartless rapist fishing the internet for another victim to gloat at - what an evil diabolical coward that poster realy is to gloat at another's pain - one can only come to the logical conclusion that he has had his conscience amputed or undergone some type of brain lombotomy.

5/16/2008 2:34 AM  
Blogger kc5uzd said...

Rape has been going on since before Christ was born (BC). There are stories of it in the Bible. The punishment handed down from God is severe. Although it seems like God has a "hands off" policy, He WILL repay sins down to the last penny. Your job is to 1)love the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind... 2)forgive (I know it's hard) 3)follow Jesus and don't place yourself in situations where things like that might happen. You just remember: it's not your fault that some guy overstepped your boundaries. It's sin in general. Sin always costs more than we want to pay, lasts longer than we want to play and never delivers what it promises. PLEASE go to Church and read your Bible. Jesus loves you very much and He wants you to know that. He wants you to crawl into His arms and cry to Him. Try it. He's just sitting out there waiting for you!!!

11/22/2008 9:46 PM  
Anonymous Demika said...

Dear The Missing Link,

You are truly amazing.
I have never been through anything like you have been through and I don't know anyone who has.
I don't know what its like or what it WOULD be like.
I just know that you have been through is some rough journey.

Feeling alone is horrible.
Everyone has felt it, is feeling it or will feel it.

It is like you're trapped in a prison, no one can hear you. Your thoughts get lost in a whirl of emotions. YOU get lost in those emotions. Moving on IS starting again. Not entirely. You will always hold 'those' experiences with you.

I am only 12, so what I say is what everyone else says.

Hold on, hold on to those last strings of hope. Because you have a fair chance at winning THIS game.


Hit a home run for you.


All my love,
Demika, Australia

1/05/2009 12:38 AM  
Anonymous Diana said...

Hi, I completely understand whta you mean when you say that you cannot sleep and feel lke throwing up. I have had a bad experience and there are times when I get this horrible itch to peel my skin off to get the dirt off... but you know what? This is just not possible. Healing did come to me though, though Jesus Christ of Nazareth. I can finally sleep with my room dark and peaceful and no fear.

Go to church, get a prayer partner.. read the Bible. Don't be ashamed to get out and ask for help. Get down on your knees.. cry your heart out and vent.. but make sure you have Jesus as the listener. Speak to HIM. Listen to some Gospel music - Don Moen, Paul Wilbur, Joyce Meyers, Benny Hinn, Hillsong and others. Ask for a peaceful heart.. No Claim it, it's your right.. Remember, Jesus has bought you with his blood.. when you get doubts.. Proclaim this loud for the Devil to Hear, "Go away Satan! I have been bought by the blood of my Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth and am victorious in HIM. You have no work with me for I belong to him." The Lord is waiting for you to love you and heal you and give you a new life. Trust Him... Jesus Shoots, Jesus Saves, Jesus SCORES!!

9/15/2009 5:21 AM  
Blogger eric_gillen83 said...

Rape is real the hard part for me was when i was raped by an uncle being a guy it was had for me so i feel your pain (to all you women) to me it just left me confused about me myself and my sexuality so i cant imagine what yall have gone through and even i still have fear about the dark he's passed on now but still it was hard seeing my dads brother everyother day and being to scared to say anything not to many ppl know but ive learned to live and move on and forgive it takes awhile and the fear doesnt completly go away but what didnt kill you made you so good luck with your trials if you ever need anyone to talk to im here to good luck
-Eric-

12/30/2009 7:15 AM  
Anonymous JenL said...

Dear Missing Link- Yes I'm a rape survivor, it's terrible that you or anyone should go through this. I highly recommend Impact the women's self defense course(I'm a 7 time graduate)You will learn to fight back and disable someone in a matter of seconds. I can also highly recommend a medicine man named Gary Gent who does soul retrieval(shamanicconnection)Pieces of your soul actually split off during trauma. It's common for people with soul loss to see themselves as victims(read Sandra Ingerman's book on soul retrieval-the name escapes me(maybe in Amazon)Women are powerful and rape is a crime of power over,sexualized violence. Turn your rage into wisdom. Fight back. You are not alone.Remember rapists are cowardly and not representative of all men. God bless.

2/05/2011 9:29 AM  
Anonymous Aira said...

This reminds me of my suicide attempt. I feel so bad for you. I have nightmares too, of my mother's scream. I also feel like throwing up I'm so scared of sleep, but I can't because I have to keep my meds down. I feel horrible for you, those attempts on top of the rape? You are so strong. Do you shake all over and think you feel people watching you too? That's how I feel. Hopefully you'll find a way past this trauma and come out stronger; that's what I'm trying to do.

11/20/2011 6:47 AM  

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