Saturday, July 29, 2006

Trouble w/the Ex

He emailed me a few months ago telling me he doesn't want us to ever lose touch because we're too important to each other.

UH... what the fuck?!

I've never fallen in love before, but if I had to chose someone I thought I could fall in love with, it would definitely be him. No one has ever been as gentle and caring with me as he was. I emailed him at the start of the year wondering how things were going with his girl, asking how in love with her he was. (I was tired of this lingering contact - just needed to know if I was wasting my time.) It took him a while to get back to me, but his response was exactly what I expected: He's in love with her and things are going very well.

I received this/his email two days after my grandma died. I really just didn't give a shit about him after that. I was already in a very weird place with her dying and things going on with the family... I was reluctant to read it, but I knew I needed to in order to put it all behind me.

I never responded - he has no need for me in his life anymore. So he emailed me again saying it seems we're losing touch and he doesn't want that because we mean too much to each other. And he thinks I'm very "interesting and insightful." And you come across very few people who touch your life the way I've touched his, and he just doesn't want this to end...

Again... what the fuck?

I don't get it. I'm a sucker for chasing after something/someone I can't have. I'm tired of it. And I'm even more tired of these guys wanting me to hang around because they don't want to lose touch for whatever reason, but they don't want to be with me in "that way." And I quoted that because this is how it's been working lately: It's okay for us to have sex and only see each other to have sex, but beyond that it's just impossible, but let's not ever lose touch. Translation: I still need to get laid so don't go anywhere.

God, I sound irritated, don't I? I am. I've been thinking about my ex a lot lately. I don't know if it's because my three best friends are getting married in a row or because I genuinely miss that guy. But it seemed too good be true, and my life was so fucked up at the time - getting kicked out of the house, revisiting "the scene of the crime"... I don't know... we were too scared/stupid and not adult enough to talk about anything before he moved away. So much was left unsaid. And I think that's why our contact is still there, but always so random and just kind of lingering for no particular reason at all... just hoping for... I don't know what.

Random rambling yet again... I miss him so much, but I'm also so tired of opening a door to someone, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and still feeling like a fool in the end.

So I just deleted someone else I really care about.

That's a fantastic way to deal with matters of the heart, isn't it? Just turn around and run away... right after I smoke another bowl, of course.

Early AM Ramblings:

“When you want to fool the world, tell the truth.” Otto von Bismarck

I have to quit smoking so much pot. I don't understand why I keep on avoiding my real life by living it in a hazy, foggy blurry daze. Even when I'm at work, I wish I was baked. I just don't want to deal with much these days. I just want to party. I just want to celebrate nonstop with my best friends because I can't shake this feeling that everything's changing and time's running out. Why do I feel so rushed? I can't really explain this internal shift I've been going through for so long now. Just doing a shitload of soul-searching. Doing nothing lately but smoking and thinking about... well, my life, really. It's because the 10 year anniversary is around the corner.

What was my life like 10 years ago? Who was I at the time? How would my life be different now if I was in a safe enough situation to tell family/friends the truth? How would I be different? I'm not dwelling or beating myself up. I'm just curious. Just when I thought I was ready to sit down and start writing my story for publication, everything started to shift inside of me.

It's a very powerful feeling, this "internal shift" I'm going through. It feels like the light is finally beginning to peek through this dark black hole I've been falling through for years. I'm kind of starting to feel validated and real again. I mean, I always knew I had every right to feel those things before, but it's different when you feel like you've been living multiple lives... in secret. The more torn you feel, the more drained and troubled your heart gets. Experiences like rape, incest, sexual abuse/assault do more than cross our path... they crash into our path. Every little invisible atom of our being is grinded to the core. We're left shattered, confused, angry, hurt, beaten, lost.

I don't know what else to say, except... I can't believe it's been 10 years since I was raped.

Do you know what that does to a person? Holding in such a big, traumatic, painful secret for so many years?

I don't know either... no wonder I'm smoking so much lately...

Friday, July 28, 2006

Random Thought:

A best friend is getting married in less then two months, and I couldn't be happier. I am SO excited and flattered to be a part of her big day. I mean, this shit's apparently a really big deal. I don't consider myself a girly girl by any means - I have NEVER thought about my wedding, marriage or anything of the sort. I don't know... all of that settling down stuff really freaks me out.

Except here's the flipside of all that. As excited and thrilled as I am to celebrate with my best friends nonstop for the next two months, it's kind of really hitting my heart a little hard that: Getting to this point in my life with someone seems so impossible and hopeless. I know that sounds really depressing, but I've reached such a point that I don't even trust my own family anymore. I mean, would you after your cousin aired your rape to people she shouldn't?... and said you were having trouble sleeping because of your "cocaine withdrawals"?... yeah, she had me kicked out her house after that. That was the day I drove back to the house I was raped in. I don't remember the drive... I don't remember what really happened before that... I was just there. Sitting in front of that house.

Wow. I haven't thought about that day in a long time.

The 10th anniversary of my rape is coming up. I'm silently starting to freak out. It feels weird that it's taken me 10 years to admit I was raped. It's taken me 10 years to not feel ashamed of what happened to me...

Stoned rambling aside... I can't believe my birthday and this huge anniversary is around the corner. I have no idea how I'm going to celebrate this birthday, but I'm definitely going BIG. I deserve it. Fuck Jay.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Survivors, Tell Me Your Story

I'd like to begin compiling survivor stories from around the world.

Or if you know a rape/sexual abuse survivor, I beg you to give them a voice and tell their story, too. I need as many truths as I can get...

I will not edit or change one thing. Think of this is your way of being heard. I won't adjust punctuation, spell-check, or add/delete anything. This is YOUR story, YOUR words, YOUR heart on "paper." You have the right to tell your story however you wish.

And I think it would be extremely therapeutic for other survivors to see that we are not alone, despite how many millions of times a day we feel it...

You can tell me your story via a comment below, or you can email me:

Thanks in advance for sharing :)

Much Love,
The Missing Link

Friday, July 21, 2006

Strange Days...

Everything has been really, really strange lately. Not really sure how to describe it. I tried to go back to counseling. But I'm not going back after only two sessions - and even those were five weeks apart! I can't really explain what's going on. Everything is very confusing and scary, but very exciting and alive... does that make sense?

I still haven't talked to my family since she died. I don't really know what to say to any of them. And I really don't feel like seeing them, either. Not that I'm angry or bitter... I just don't really care anymore. Harsh? Yeah, I know. I think so, too. But I can't help it, really. I'm about as fed up with how they treat each other that I just can't be around it for a while. I have enough on my plate as it is. I don't need other people's drama on top of it... and it just breaks my heart that she had to always be buried in it, as sick as she was, as painful as her disease was for her...

I'm just not ready to walk back into that house again... not after what happened the night of her funeral. I still haven't spoken a word to my dad or grandpa. It's been almost 4 months now. Damn... time sure does fly by, doesn't it? It's not that I'm intentionally holding out on my family at all. I'm just not ready to see them. I'm not going to force myself to be in a situation I already know is going to cause me mental and emotional stress. I'll know when I'm ready to go back there. Soon... I promise... maybe...

I don't know... I'm rambling. I'm high. Just smoked a bowl.

I've been smoking a lot lately. I can't really figure out if it's because I'm secretly freaked out about exposing my rape to everyone or because I'm avoiding writing my book.

I don't know what's going to come out.

Yeah... just been smoking a lot to calm my nerves. I've been really anxious and impatient lately. It's like I can feel everything still shifting in my life and I just want it to rest already. I just want to - for one minute, for one day - stop shifting.

... just want the world to rest.
Copyright 2006 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including printing and photocopying, recording or by any other information storage or retrievel system, without permission in writing from the publisher.