Forgiveness

Another email to the same friend. Wanted to post here because it's a lesson I'm learning since finding my rapist.

04/02/11, 10:00 pm

C told me about all the other opportunities that are stemming from your (latest) gig... that's really

good, but also another reason why you needed the DUI right now. To remind you that while you can, and will, get everything you are working towards (because you're following your heart, and you deserve it), there is still a part of your life, and yourself, that you are approaching recklessly. Literally and figuratively. Driving too fast, ignoring the road signs, headed in the wrong direction on a one way street, intoxicated with false ideals and unrealistic expectations.

Old habits die hard, and I see us both working to change the habits of our youth. I know what you really want deep down... what you feel you're (almost) ready for... what you're tired of dealing with, but don't know how to change.

But you can't get it, or be able to fully appreciate it, or give it the attention it deserves until you: Slow the fuck down.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I found J now, at this point in my life. I knew I'd find him (eventually) because it's something I wished for my entire life... I just didn't know at what stage in my life I would be at when this information finally presented itself. I knew it'd be hard - it's like reopening a secret door you lost the key for. But I didn't foresee everything from my past resurfacing and having as big of an impact on this final chapter... I didn't foresee it unfolding the way it did - but that's the beauty of Life... if we ever knew what was really waiting around the corner, the lesson would be lost.

The last time I was living (here)... I revisited the house it happened in (after more shit happened that I haven't told you about)... and I walked into his old bedroom and relived the entire night. I spent the following week, day and night, writing a story for a college writing class, which was a detailed play by play of that night. And the day I finished the story, after I emailed it to my professor, I totaled my car. Everything was in slow motion as I crashed into a hillside head on. I thought that was the end... and how appropriate - I just went back to that dirty house, wrote the truth that nobody knows, and now I'm going to die the day I finish the story... the day I tell the truth.

How perfect that the next time I'm living (here), I find Jay.

And when I knew you were from his same hometown, I secretly avoided you like the plague because I knew you would help me find him in some shape, way or form.

And you did.

And I never said thank you for that.

So... thank you. :)

From the bottom of my heart, thanks for being a good friend when I needed one, and thanks for having my back through all this when I couldn't share the truth with anyone else. I needed to hibernate for a while and sit IN everything... marinate in it, really... "Like soap for the body, so are tears for the soul."

This is what I really wanted to share with you, though, because I think my lesson now, with all this information, is the same lesson you may need before you can achieve what you really want deep down... for yourself, for your life, for your future happiness.

What finding J is really all about:

Forgiveness.

Forgiving myself for a situation that was beyond my control.

Forgiving another person for creating a situation that controlled most of my life.

Forgiving the situation itself for creating all the silent pain, anger, sadness and mistrust it rooted in every human relationship I've ever had... so I just kept everything superficial and never trusted... it was easier that way. And I stayed idle.

While the rest of my life kept progressing, there was always a part of me that stayed idle... ready to go but unable to move... that same part that was affected so deeply from that one experience that it became my norm to live this way... to let a fucked up situation from my past dictate how I opened myself up and allowed people in my life, and at which point I shoved them out. I knew this piece of me always existed, but I had to walk away from it... shut up and let it go so the rest of my life could move forward. But that part of me was still so angry and hurt that I still sometimes felt off balance when life was right on track, and oddly confused when the world was giving me exactly what I asked for. I didn't know when the puzzle pieces would fit... and I couldn't let myself think about it... just had to keep moving forward.

And then, just like that, when I was fed up with all of life's tests.. I got the lesson I needed... but only when I wasn't looking for it. It forced me to look at my entire life from start to present... and say goodbye to all the people and situations that hurt me the most. And the only way I could do that was by forgiving everyone for all of it. Because until you can do this, until people can look in the mirror and fully accept, and then let go, hurdles will continue to present themselves which will force you to hit the pause button, take care of business, and re-evaluate your order of operations.

Sometimes it's not a situation that needs changing... sometimes it's you.

Again, I'm only sharing this with you because I feel like my lesson in all of this... what finding J is teaching me, is something that you might benefit from, too. I don't know how, but I think you will.