Friday, February 11, 2011

Timing is Everything

It's hard for me to hold back my tears right now.

It's been a long week. Still numb from my new reality, yet again.

The one thing that I can't stop thinking about is how sexual abuse and rape is a running theme in my life. It's my life's common denominator. From when I was just a little girl, knowing that being naked with this person was weird, but not knowing if it was right or wrong.

And then my dad being the way he was growing up. And my mom - hitting me because my dad hit her... even after the nights when I would provoke him to go after me so he wouldn't go after her... because I was stronger, and I knew I could handle it. What I couldn't handle, though, was watching her being waved around like a rag doll. So I would provoke him. And I would wake up sore and bruised in the mornings... and go to school like nothing happened... because I had to pretend like nothing happened... and then I would come home only to do it all over again.

I'm pissed. I'm sad. I'm alone.

That sexual abuse when I was a little girl was what put me over the edge before my last suicide attempt - my tenth, to be exact. The one that landed me in the ER... it was the year my Grandma died, if you remember from my earlier posts - you would have to go back to 2006, I think. I broke down, started yelling, "You know what you did! You did this!" ... and then everything since then came flooding back... my dad growing up - his alcoholism, all of the abuse that came along with that... then my first rape - the ER was before my second rape... and then I opened my cupboard, took out all the bottles on my shelf, lined them up on my counter very methodically, and took them all in groups of threes. And then I cleaned my apartment, paid my bills and laid down with a picture of my Grandma next to me. I was at peace... because I took the steps necessary to be at peace forever. I didn't know if I was going to wake up. I wondered if I would be able to have the same heart, soul and thoughts, but would be reincarnated in a different body... I didn't know what was going to happen. Just that I couldn't do it anymore... live this life alone.

There is a show called Private Practice that I'm currently addicted to. I had never seen it before a few months ago - my birthday month - in November. I didn't know what it was about, what the episode was about... but it was on right after one my long time favorite shows - Grey's Anatomy. It came on, and I just started watching.

I watched the first episode two weeks before my birthday, which is the anniversary of my rape. This episode was about a woman, Charlotte, who was beaten and raped in her office. I was glued to the tv... couldn't stop crying and shaking with fear, pain and anger... my emotions were in control...

Ever since that first episode, I've recorded and watched every episode since. I'm hooked, because that woman's story is mimicking mine. I wasn't beaten by my rapist like she was, and like so many of you rape survivors have been. No, mine was planned by the one guy that was supposed to take care of me that night... at my own birthday party. He promised my best friend he would take care of me. She wanted to spend the night with her boyfriend, so she left me... to go fuck him at his place. She said she'd pick me up in the morning.

Tonight's episode was about Charlotte (the character's name, the survivor) confronting her rapist, and forgiving him.

I just found my rapist one week ago - Thursday, February 3rd.

And in this week's episode, Charlotte's rapist appears into her life - he shows up in the hospital where she works... and she's given a choice - if she wants her friend to kill him - because he's the doctor that is going to operate on him... or if she wants him to save him.

She confronts her rapist, and she forgives him.

Timing is everything.

Something bigger than me is going on. There are too many coincidences that are pointing to now being the time I do this... confront my rapist, and put all my sexual abuse and assaults behind me forever.

I just don't know how I'm going to do it.

What am I going to do when I see him? What am I going to say?

I need a plan.

And, not only that, but there was a time, around the middle/end of January, when I returned from a vacation... which was January 17th... that week, I think... I think it was the week I returned from my vacation... that this "Believe" picture kept falling down in my bathroom. It's not hanging on the wall - it's resting on top of my toilet, leaning against the wall... but the entire time I've lived here - since July - and since I've had that thing resting in my bathroom in that spot, it has NEVER moved or fallen. Yet, it fell down twice... almost like there was another force or energy that made it fall down - and the second time it happened, it kind of freaked me out because I felt like the world was, now, definitely trying to tell me something. And since then, I've had it resting on the floor, because I know that whatever is pulling me to end this part of my life once and for all is exactly what made that believe picture fall down twice... I just didn't know this was around the corner, at the time.

The picture reads:

BELIEVE: Hold on to what is good, even if it is a handful of earth. Hold on to what you believe, even if it is a tree that stands by itself.

Another strange coincidence: I have a things with trees. When I was in the fourth grade, I wrote a book about trees, and my teacher was so impressed that she asked me to read it in front of the class to all classes fourth grade and younger. I still have that book right here, actually. And when I was on my vacation, we spent most of our time at the infinity edge pool of the killer house we rented, and there was one very significant tree that stood out... and I kept staring at that tree... even telling my friends, "There's something about that tree. I don't know what it is... I want to know more about it..."

The second time this picture fell down, I knew the world was trying to tell me something. I picked it up, said, "Okay, I get it. I will believe." And I set it down on the floor and just contemplated what, exactly, was going to happen... what was going to change... because that trip, in itself, changed my entire life to the core... I KNEW that something was going to be different when I returned... I'll have to share more about the trip later... the small things that led up to that trip being possible, and the things that happened on that trip - it was life changing... my therapist says I had a spiritual awakening there...

I'm exhausted. Just had to get some things out of head and onto this thing... I'm so drained from just finding him... all I can think about is how I'm going to confront him, and what I'm going to say...

I feel like I'm preparing for the biggest battle of my life.

Except it's a battle I've already won.

My head knows that.

But my heart has never felt it.

So now, my heart is feeling way too much to be able to deal with anything more that laying on my couch and watching tv or movies.

I recorded last night's episode of Private Practice... just saw it... and can't stop thinking about how the timing of everything right now is just insane. She just confronted her rapist and forgave him.

I wonder what I will say and do.

What would you say and do?

I asked you before, dear survivors, if you could ask your rapist anything, what would it be??

I'm not only doing this for me, I have to do this for all those survivors out there who have never gotten a chance to confront their abuser, to look him in the eye again, and know that he can't hurt them anymore.


I still can't believe I found that fucker.

After fifteen years...


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