Monday, September 29, 2008

Crossroads

I'm at a weird place in my life. This post most likely won't make much sense. I'm tired, stressed out and sad.

I might have to move soon for work, but unsure if that's what I really want. So if I decide to not go through with it, then I'm back at square one with looking for another job, and if that happens, it won't be here... I'll be moving somewhere else, just not where my job wants me to move to. I don't feel like my bosses really understand how much I do and go through for this job. How much I deal with on a daily basis. How all of the guys talk about me, hit on me, tell other guys that they've hooked up with me. I'm a piece of meat at that company, and I know that. But it's the price I pay for getting paid what I get paid, yet I still feel like it's not enough, especially because I do everything by myself. No help. No assistants. No one else by my side. I do it all. But I'm beginning to feel like I'm not getting financially compensated for it. I need the financial security. And I'm afraid that I may be waiting forever if I stay with this company. Yet, I've been included in their profit-sharing program, and the client I work for within my company is our most lucrative client. There is incredible growth for potential, yet I don't know when the growing will actually begin. I feel stuck. I don't want to relocate where they want me to. But I don't know if that may be the big change I need... but even with that being said, something about that move just doesn't feel right to me. I don't know why. Something's missing.

Another failed relationship. This is what's really bothering me. This is what is really discouraging me. I don't understand why things never work out. He's so good at the apologies, but that's just it... I'm tired of him saying he's sorry for this or that, and telling me things like how he knows he's been an asshole, and that I deserve better. What is about me that gets involved with these assholes that are so good at taking advantage, and being completely selfish and ruthless when other's feelings are involved? I don't understand it. I don't get it. I'm tired of these fucking games. On one hand, I'm trying to be the bigger person, be forgiving, give people second chances, accept people just as they are... yet I feel like instead of that being matched and appreciated, it's taken advantage of until I'm made to look like "that girl"... that girl who is being played, except she doesn't see it until it's too late.

I thought it was going to work with this one. The way we met, how I met everyone in "his life" so soon, how open we were with each other... but then it changed, as it always does. I just want to be with a good person. A good person with a good heart who makes me laugh, makes me feel safe... someone I can be 100% around... someone who can handle my past, and can love me anyway because of it... someone who just "gets" me. I feel like I've paid my dues. I've been through enough shit, muscled enough bad experiences, have had my fair share of awful relationships to know that he has to be out there somewhere... I just don't know where. And I'm not the kind of girl who goes looking for this kind of thing. I'm the kind of girl who takes care of herself first and foremost, does whatever she wants and needs to have a good and happy life, and people will come and go, like the days and seasons... good and bad things will keep happening because that's life... I'm the kind of girl that is so fascinated with life that I dare not risk anything to not live it to the fullest. I just wish I could meet someone who loved to live as much as I did, and someone who has as much love to give as I do.

There is one man that I always wonder about... always wonder if we will end up back together... if we are meant to be... and as soon as I talk myself away from him, out of the friendship because it's just too hard to always wonder "what if"... he pops back into my life. He is the one I have bene most compatible with, the only one I can be myself around, no matter what - good or bad. I do not fear he will judge me, because he never has, and I know he never will. He is a good, honest man. But I can't wait any longer. We dated years ago, and after almost five years, I have to walk away from him because I have to let go for good. Yet, when we do walk away from each other, we always end up back in touch somehow, in some way. I can't tell what's more difficult... to be "just friends" or be nothing at all.

I'm so confused. Tired. And frustrated, discouraged and confused all over again.

I need to know what to do... what decision to make... I need a sign... been weighing all the negatives and positives of every possible direction I can take with my life, and it's all equal... one path not being btter or worse than the other... it's just a matter of figuring out where my heart lies... and my heart has no idea...

Goodnight...

3 Comments:

Blogger LK Fitzgerald said...

I related to some of what you had to say here-- I wish you luck in making your tough decisions and in your life. Good people do exist. Keep the faith.

1/05/2009 8:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I just wanted to say, I really recognize your story, it's good to know that there are people out there going through the same shit, although it should'nt have to be like that. Reading your story just made me feel less alone in this world...Hang in there...

3/23/2009 4:37 PM  
OpenID ialsoliveonafarm said...

Got to your blog via Enola's blog. I could have written this post of yours- said many of the exact same things in the midst of that season in my life (being single and completely sick of the mindgames) Hang in there- In the end, the person I was looking for- someone who accepted me 100% for myself- someone who respects me, etc. etc. did in fact enter my life...that was 32 yrs ago now- seems like we've been married a fraction of that time. Here's a link to an old post I wrote: http://hearttoheart.wordpress.com/2007/07/22/how-we-met/ Couldn't read this part of your blog and not at least leave a comment- DM

4/02/2010 2:41 PM  

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