Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Deadly

I had a really bad nightmare last night. Woke myself up crying.

I was at this lake my friends and I used to go to every Memorial Day weekend. The setup was kind of weird... a very green and grassy park-like area where many people were just hanging out, and then to the get to the beach where our boat was, you had to walk through a small wooded area. I was in the park area for a while, and noticed one of the guys from my work was there. I noticed another guy nearby. He smiled at me, I smiled back, and then figured I should be heading to the boat to meet up with my friends. I was a little weary of walking through this wooded area, but it was daylight, and plenty of people at the park, and then next door at the beach. When I began approaching "the woods," I noticed a a sketchy younger man waiting at the entrance to this small and secluded area. He was staring at me, and had this weird, uncomfortable smirk on his face. I started approaching the woods, reassuring myself the beach was right there. But the closer I got, the more uncomfortable I became. I pretended like I forgot something and turned around.

He asked where I was going. I told him I had to turn around.

"Because you knew I was waiting for you."

"Yeah. Because you were staring at me." I was walking backwards so I could see his face. I didn't want to turn my back to him. He started approaching me with his dirty smirk, like he was secretly telling me he was going to get what he wanted, even if I didn't pass through the woods.

My heart started beating faster as he started walking faster towards me. I tried to act like I wasn't scared, but I knew what was going to happen. All I could think was, "Please, not again. Please, not again..."

I stumbled a bit and fell to the ground. I knew this was his chance. He attacked me, on top of me. I couldn't move around very much because of the awkward position I stumbled down in. He was holding both my wrists with his hands, just smirking while watching me squirm, trying to get away... like he enjoyed watching me fight. I yelled for the guy I knew, Alan. But he wasn't there. I kept yelling for him, but he was gone... I don't know where he went. I couldn't believe this was happening in broad daylight, in front of all these people, in an open park.

The guy who smiled at me earlier came to my rescue. He pulled him off of me. They fought for a long time. I was laying there, on the ground, in shock of what just almost happened again, and what was happening now... and I saw a glimpse of a knife while they were fighting/wrestling. I was silently freaking out. I felt like I was in a movie. My clothes and hair was a mess, tears were running down my face, exhausted... drained... and just then... I watched my rescuer stab my attacker to death.

Next, there were a few cops standing around my dead attacker. They were feverishly taking notes. There was caution tape blocking off "the scene of the crime". People were staring and watching. They called my rescuer over to ask him a few questions. I was standing from afar, just staring at the entire thing... watching everything... numb. Incredibly, horribly, drained and numb. The cops motioned for me to come over. I took a step. And with my second step, I fell to the ground, sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldn't breathe...

I'm starting to cry now... and I don't know why...

Anyhow... I fell to the ground with this overwhelming, suffocating emotion of being attacked again, and then watching him stabbed to death. I could see his motionless legs on the ground, but the cops were standing in the way for me to see his upper body. I couldn't stop crying, just staring at his body in the distance... unable to keep my head up from all of my sobbing, and letting myself fall entirely to the ground with the weight of my tears.

I had never felt so alone and cold in my life.

And then I woke up crying. I immediately turned on the tv and desperately wished he was here... the one who doesn't want to be with me. The one who "didn't mean to lead me on"... the one who "felt something in the beginning. But things change and feelings change. That's just reality."

Fuck you.

Fuck my attacker.

Fuck my rapist.

Just fuck it all.

I'm too afraid to go to sleep tonight. I don't want to admit this. But it's the truth. I hate waking up alone. I hate this constant nagging feeling that I'm not enough... this horrible, thick, draining feeling that I will never be enough, and my past experiences have created this fucked up girl... this girl that is too complex to understand and deal with.

I don't know what else to say. I don't want to miss him in the all the ways I sometimes do. It's bullshit. Never anything in the first place. Just sex. Just random, casual sex... like all the other girls he was sleeping with.

That's all they've ever wanted from me.
The men in my life.
Just sex.

I don't understand what else there is anymore.

I don't think I've ever been this jaded and numb to the reality of my life as I am today. Especially after last night's nightmare.

Even using the word "numb" is too colorful anymore.

I'm not being negative or pessimistic.

I'm being honest.

I welcome you to express another opinion or point of view, but beware of me politely and discreetly flipping you off.

10 Comments:

Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

we are sorry you are struggling so much would you consider going back to T and maybe talking about some of this stuff its sounds like its overloading on you :( safe hugs

3/27/2007 9:47 PM  
Blogger I Survive! said...

Hey, you are not alone, okay!
Your nightmare sounds very rough. I remember waking up crying from my own nightmares. But you know what, I think you have just fought back in your dream. It seems that your psyche invented this "friendly rescuer" person in your dream to protect yourself from the attacker. I think that is amazing. Remember, your brain invented this powerful rescuer in the dream. So you see, you have it in you, girl. Do you think you can focus more on this attacker?

You are going to be alright. It is ok to cry. It might help to talk to your hypnotherapist.

Hang in there, girl.

3/30/2007 9:34 PM  
Blogger I Survive! said...

Hey, how are you?
I meant to ask you to focus on this rescuer/protector aspect in you, not the attacker in the dream. :-)

4/01/2007 8:32 PM  
Blogger albert said...

"I welcome you to express another opinion or point of view, but beware of me politely and discreetly flipping you off."

I Love It!

4/30/2007 12:17 PM  
Blogger Aralyn said...

I have nightmares still. They haunt you.

5/02/2007 6:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Wow, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. After I was raped, I had a similar experience with guys - now I'm dating someone who hardly ever wants to have sex and clearly wants to be with me for me, and it has been really healing for me. Those relationships are out there for you. You'll get there. Keep writing and healing.

5/29/2007 10:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im sorry you feel so vunerable, however please stop the fantasy, NOBODY has dreams as detailed as yours. A dream is 7 seconds thats it. You may be hurt, but fantasy is a not productive healing. Sorry for being so direct , Janice

5/31/2007 4:05 PM  
Blogger The Missing Link said...

Hey Janice - GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Incase you didn't understand, let me rephrase: GO FUCK YOURSELF.

I'm always amazed at the kind of lame brain people that exist in this world.

MY RAPE IS NOT MY FANTASY.

IT'S MY REALITY.

Go to hell for not respecting my experience, honesty and willingness to openly share the cold, hard truth of how my rape has affected me...

and remember to have a nice, fantasized day in your ignorant bubble of an unrealistic life.

My productive healing comes from having people like you cross my path, teaching me that there will always be naive knuckleheads out there who will never "get it"... at least not until it happens to them.

REALITY IS WHEN IT HAPPENS TO YOU.

5/31/2007 4:28 PM  
Blogger albert said...

Go Girl.

7/06/2007 7:44 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Just so you know, nightmares are a way of your subconscious healing itself, so as painful as it is, it is a part of a healing process. Take care.

9/09/2007 4:17 PM  

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