Saturday, March 10, 2007

Don't Believe...

... everything you read.

I just read a few of my old post and hate that I have all this shit internalized so deep down.

I hate it.

I just have to deal with it.

I can't understand why some days are easier than others, but I guess that's just the name of the game no matter who you are or what your life experiences are.

I don't know if starting my new blog really matters, or if I should I should commit to my daily report on this blog.

That seems much easier. Why complicate things when they are good just as they are?

Anyway, figuring out all this new template shit is annoying! It's a decision made more out of convenience than anything else.

On a sidenote, I've been drinking and writing all night again :) And I even concocted a tasty dinner in the middle of a writer's block. And I don't even really cook! But I was feeling pretty creative tonight, I guess. It was good and healthy, if I don't say so myself.

Don't worry, JIP... I've been trying to keep my health in order. I still have some other health issues I've been avoiding, but I promise you I'll make the call and take care of it when I'm ready. I've had these horrible bruises along both sides of my spine for almost a year now. They are right where my lungs are. They're positioned really strangely, too. In a perfect linear position going up and down both sides of my spine, equal in size, equal in distance from one bruise to the next. I feel like I've been abducted by aliens and these bruises are their "tracking device"! Obviously, I know that isn't true, but even now, this portion of my back, where this bruised cluster lives, is getting sore and uncomfortable. I have no idea what it is. I wasn't in any kind of severe accident to trigger or initiate this strange series of bruising along my spine. I've been recommended to specialists to figure it out, but I just don't have the headspace to pursue this right now... especially because I'm beginning to get a little freaked out that it could be something serious. And especially since these bruises have been present for almost a year now... AND especially since the area of the bruising just gets more and more uncomfortable as time goes on.

I know... I have to call these specialists right away and sort out what's going on. I'm just afraid of dealing with any more drama in my life anymore. But I know this is my health and I MUST prioritize and get it sorted out asap. I just hate bad news... and I'm really afraid it's not going to be good news at all.

... I think I've realized the other blog is unncessary. It's pretty much the exact same thing as this blog anyway, except with a different title. I may cancel it soon. So much for sticking with it! Oh well... it's just me trying to make the change.

I wish I had a boyfriend to massage my back right now. It's been especially painful this past week... not to forget the nightmares on top of the physical pain. Combine that with all the insane writing confusion of how to openly acknowledge/accept my rape and I'm about as drained as a girl can get these days.

I still miss him, though. But I don't know if I miss the idea of him, or him as a real, honest, safe person in my life. I guess I'll never know the answer to that one. I don't even care right now, to be honest. I've taken so much pain medication for my back this week, and running on no sleep, that I'm just ready for my hot shower and comfortable down-feathered bed.

Goodnight :) And if anyone out there knows what the fuck this bruising is all about, PLEASE let me know. It's so strange. I wish I could photograph this bruising (still in tact for almost a year, no change in appearance) and post it, but we know I'm not going to do that. The bruises are the exact same size, and align both sides of my spine identically... same width, same distance apart, same coloring... And yes, it is uncomfortable half of the time, like now.

I hate medication. I just want to feel physically healthy for once in my life. And that will contribute to my mental/emotional health being. Once I get the MRI done on my knee, and get that surgery, I'll be able to run again, too. Until then, it's the gym and swimming for as long as my body can handle it... and when even that is uncomfortable (like this past week), it's resting my body as much as possible.

Maybe all of my internal bruising is beginning to show externally... I have to call those doctors, dammit. I hope it's nothing serious...


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