Sunday, October 15, 2006

Change

"The only constant is change."

This year has been fucking crazy.

I started this blog and have connected with so, so many survivors. Starting this was the first time I really, actually, truly admitted my rape to myself, and many other painful experiences I never really allowed myself to feel. No wonder I felt like I was going crazy.

In addition to this site, I started another one to gain even more support from survivors and friends. I have also been working on getting a foundation started, a legitimate website up and running to advertise and raise awareness, money & support, and have been planning all kinds of fundraisers.

I've also told the men I work with (remember I work in an all-male environment... a construction company) that I was raped. They all have been so supportive and understanding while I've been struggling so much this year, and especially since my ER trip last month.

I was also planning to confront my rapist, but not anymore. When I was lying in that ER room, all kinds of tubes sticking out of my broken body, I knew it was done. It was over. It couldn't be more done if I tried. Look at where I was now... where I have been subconciously since the night I was raped:

trapped

held hostage

It's over.

I was raped.

WAS raped.

And now it's over.

I've come out of the closet this year.

No wonder I've been feeling out of whack, not myself, crazy, uncomfortable, edgy, terrified, sad, paranoid...

It's taken me years to admit my past is what it is.

And now that I have, it's time to move on.

I'm going to focus on getting my website and foundation up and running. And then will come the fundraisers and many other projects I shoved aside when I felt myself lose control months ago.

First and foremost, though, I have to focus on getting my body healthy again. She's been so broken for so long. I have to take care of her. I have many people who love and care about me more than I know, many people who have connections and will do anything to help me lead a healthy life again.

I don't have to do this alone. It's time I start letting people help me. It's okay to ask for help.

My boss's wife is a natural medicine doctor. She's offered me anything I may ever need free of charge, including acupuncture and massage to relax and heal my body. My brother is a chiropractor, so he knows many people through his work. And since my family has made their millions from farming, nutrition and health have always been priority. My family is really big in believing that our bodies really are our temples. I have all kinds of resources available to feed my body what she needs to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And yoga and walking for exercise until I am strong enough for the gym and running again.

I know I'm going to be okay.

You have to go through the bad to get to the good.

My rape is over. It's time for me to stop feeling so dead on the inside. Jay can't ever hurt me again. It's over.

It's time to get my life back.

10 Comments:

Blogger survivor said...

I'm really proud of you ML. I'm cheering for you.. much love and strength

10/15/2006 6:40 PM  
Blogger Breeya said...

Hi ML,

That is such a big positive change!
Way to go.
You are going to be well, I am sure.

Love

10/17/2006 7:39 AM  
Blogger NWO said...

I've been waiting to read this. Congratulations.

10/17/2006 10:21 PM  
Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

maybe you should go read our blog ml because seems we are heading in the same direction. Well done for your courage your hope and for taking another step to finding yourself

10/18/2006 3:08 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

Nothing about being raped is easy NOTHING. Remember that you are not alone, you survived, the worst is over, & you are going to be okay. Can you bring yourself to believe that? I hope so. I know you can. :) I'm sending you warm hugs & pleasant thoughts. If you ever want to talk my e-mail is strongmedicine06@gmail.com , my blog name is strongmedicinestartshere if you ever want to visit it. Survivor to survivor I'm offering support to you.

10/22/2006 9:32 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Good for you for having this plan of healing. I wonder if you have also considered going to the rape crisis center for support. They have both one on one support and groups.

10/26/2006 10:23 AM  
Blogger albert said...

What's up Ml?

Hope you're doing ok these days.

It's getting closer to our birthday month (at least mine for sure), why am I getting all pissy and moody and shit? I don't get it.

Talk to you later,

10/26/2006 12:06 PM  
Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

The hardest part is over. Setting your secret free. Now comes healing. You are so brave. You are so courageous.


Peace,
Deb

11/03/2006 2:48 PM  
Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

Wow! I've read through your last several posts and you've really had a lot going on. I'm sorry I haven't been around. I hit a huge snag (pit of despair, whatever) and went searching for our peaceful retreat center again...but, alas did not find it. So, I went down to this trauma center in Texas instead. I'm back and wondering what you're doing and thinking of you. Looks like your strength just keeps getting tested AND just keeps getting stronger. I'm proud of you!

11/14/2006 4:07 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

I'm glad that I've found your blog. I feel very connected to your story - I also came out this year to many people.
Wishing you well.

1/15/2007 6:02 PM  

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