Change

"The only constant is change."

This year has been fucking crazy.

I started this blog and have connected with so, so many survivors. Starting this was the first time I really, actually, truly admitted my rape to myself, and many other painful experiences I never really allowed myself to feel. No wonder I felt like I was going crazy.

In addition to this site, I started another one to gain even more support from survivors and friends. I have also been working on getting a foundation started, a legitimate website up and running to advertise and raise awareness, money & support, and have been planning all kinds of fundraisers.

I've also told the men I work with (remember I work in an all-male environment... a construction company) that I was raped. They all have been so supportive and understanding while I've been struggling so much this year, and especially since my ER trip last month.

I was also planning to confront my rapist, but not anymore. When I was lying in that ER room, all kinds of tubes sticking out of my broken body, I knew it was done. It was over. It couldn't be more done if I tried. Look at where I was now... where I have been subconciously since the night I was raped:

trapped

held hostage

It's over.

I was raped.

WAS raped.

And now it's over.

I've come out of the closet this year.

No wonder I've been feeling out of whack, not myself, crazy, uncomfortable, edgy, terrified, sad, paranoid...

It's taken me years to admit my past is what it is.

And now that I have, it's time to move on.

I'm going to focus on getting my website and foundation up and running. And then will come the fundraisers and many other projects I shoved aside when I felt myself lose control months ago.

First and foremost, though, I have to focus on getting my body healthy again. She's been so broken for so long. I have to take care of her. I have many people who love and care about me more than I know, many people who have connections and will do anything to help me lead a healthy life again.

I don't have to do this alone. It's time I start letting people help me. It's okay to ask for help.

My boss's wife is a natural medicine doctor. She's offered me anything I may ever need free of charge, including acupuncture and massage to relax and heal my body. My brother is a chiropractor, so he knows many people through his work. And since my family has made their millions from farming, nutrition and health have always been priority. My family is really big in believing that our bodies really are our temples. I have all kinds of resources available to feed my body what she needs to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And yoga and walking for exercise until I am strong enough for the gym and running again.

I know I'm going to be okay.

You have to go through the bad to get to the good.

My rape is over. It's time for me to stop feeling so dead on the inside. Jay can't ever hurt me again. It's over.

It's time to get my life back.