Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Drained

I'm not sure how I'm doing. My health is in question and it's really, really scary. I know everything will be fine in the long run, but when you're in the heart of such a Life's Curveball kind of situation, it takes a while for the fog to clear long enough to know what the "right" decision is... but is there such a thing as a right or wrong decision if it's made by your heart? Can you really go that wrong if you just listen to what you're heart wants and needs to be healthy and safe again? I just have to listen to her. She's been really drained lately, but I just have to listen. Just rest, recharge my batteries, and listen. And the rest will follow.

I know I haven't been writing much lately, but I haven't been myself this past year. Everything has finally come to a head. Everything is different. Everything is new. Big changes. Everything before my trip to the ER is just a blur. A foggy, confusing, blinding haze. I haven't been myself. I wasn't myself with family, friends, people I secretly cared for.

And I felt something

wrong

inside of my
tired
little
body

but I never said anything to anyone because

I didn't want to know the truth.

I didn't want to be sick.

I don't who I've become this past year, but it hasn't been me. I know that for sure. When I was laying in that hospital bed, hooked up to all kinds of tubes and passing in and out of consciousness, I realized that I could not have made it through. But I'm still here for some reason or another.

I'm still here.

tired
sick
drained

but I'm still here.

And that's the most important thing.

Now, more than ever, as long and hard of a road it's going to be, I want to do whatever I can to be healthy again. I have to do whatever it takes for my heart's sake, because she almost gave up on me. She almost quit on me. I can't let her quit.

We're fighters, dammit.

NOT quitters.

So, my dear friends, whether you know me personally or not at all, I'm sorry if I have been difficult to deal with, "weird" or just plain confusing with actions and conversations. Because the truth is, it was all an act to mask what I was afraid was really wrong inside.

But that's just it... mask it long enough, ignore what you're mind, body and soul are trying to tell you, then your heart will continue running on empty until you listen to her, take care of her, and thus, ultimately, take care of yourself.

We have to take care of ourselves, first and foremost.

Do whatever it takes.

Do whatever you have to do to be

safe
healthy &
happy

because without those three things

we're all just

on the verge of quitting.

2 Comments:

Blogger Redpiper said...

Don't give up! There is light in all this darkness!

9/29/2006 8:13 PM  
Blogger 3ngin33r said...

Glad to see you write again ML :) Very strong, inspiring words as always. I don't know what's wrong with your health, but I know deep inside you know what you have to do, to feel right and make things work. Keep believing in yourself and never give up :)

10/01/2006 12:37 PM  

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