Avoiding the Inevitable

I'm not sure what's happening the last few days. I haven't been feeling so hot. Can't hold much of anything down in terms of eating. My headaches are getting worse. I am so drained and exhausted.

I could be PMSing.

But I doubt it, since this is what happens when I'm consumed with my rape again. I've been trying to get things organized for the website, trying to stay focused on the happy Life events around the corner... but ever since what happened with Bob a few days ago, my mind has completely left me.

I cried last night.

I needed a break, so I headed out of town yesterday afternoon. I did my usual thinking while aimlessly driving around, stopping wherever I felt, driving however far I wanted. I passed the freeway exit to my Grandma's house. If she were alive, I would've driven straight to her house for jokes and movies.

And then everything I've been avoiding hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything I've been holding in, running away from...

I've been smoking nonstop since she died. I've been such a pothead, totally & completely ignoring anything requiring care, responsibility and attention... just drowning myself in my work and side projects. I bought a quarter the day after her cremation.

I cried my eyes out while watching her casket go in. I couldn't let go of her, couldn't stop touching her, hugging her... I wanted to pick her up and take her home with me. Her illness took everything out of her. She couldn't talk, walk, eat, drink... always choking on each sip of water she took. Unable to ever stay comfortable because she could, literally, feel her muscles melt away... pleading in front of me for God to take her to a healthier, happier place because if she couldn't even breathe on her own, then what was the point of living anymore?? She fought for her life as hard as I fought for mine. She gives me strength. From the time I was born, just two days old, and I was already living with her. And when home life was at its most violent, I always escaped to her house.

Tears are forming at just wishing I could hug her one last time, hold her hand, comb her hair, watch her try to hold in her laughter as I told stories because it hurt her too much to laugh like she loved to do. But trying to hold it in would always make us laugh more! Those were my favorite times. When she was smiling and laughing. Knowing that no matter what, all that mattered was that we were around her, loving and caring for her.

I wish we could still look at fashion magazines like she loved to do. I miss watching her eyes light up anytime she saw a baby on tv. I wanted to give her great-grandchildren before she died. Even if she couldn't pick up my son/daughter. I wanted her to have a new life to love before God took hers away, slowly and painfully. She wanted to see us all settled, happy and with families. She wanted nothing but the best for each of us, always sharing Life's Instructions to smooth our paths.

I can't believe how much I miss her. I wish she were here. This is why I've been smoking so much. I haven't wanted to face the reality that she's really, really gone. Just thinking about being in her house again, looking at the wall of family portraits as I walk upstairs to her bedroom where I used to sleep... I can't do it. Not yet.

I so badly wish she were here. She would tell me how to be okay right now. She and I would have one of our Life discussions and everything would make sense again... I can't believe how much I miss her. How much I have missed her all these months but haven't let myself think about it... or feel it.

So I've been feverishly smoking ever since. Even taking a few hits before setting down my keys after I get home from work... sometimes even smoking before I go into work because I've had dreams about her, Jay raping me, or being chased by faceless people and vicious animals.

Lately, though, the dreams have been about me just being lost and scared somewhere. It's been in/around water lately. Once it was a deserted ship or something. Last night we were on an island. And I'm always with someone, but I never recognize this person. It's just a faceless person that I'm comfortable with, but don't entirely trust for some reason. And just as I think everything is going to be alright, something happens in my dream to jeopardize my life. With the ship, I kept running up and down stairs to find someone I knew because suddenly, the ship was rapidly sinking. And anytime I ran to a closed door to open it, it was locked. I had no way out. Trapped. And with the island dream last night: It was a fantastic beach day. Just when a friend and I snagged a spot, the weather turned horrible. Hurricane. And when I turned around to find my friend, he/she was gone. No where to be found. Stranded again, my life flashing before my eyes, the tides ready to eat me alive.

I continue to receive messages and emails from other survivors who are so grateful for the work I'm doing with these projects. The most important thing for me is to bring us all together. While our projects aren't 100% full-blown just yet, it's important to remember we can't make that happen until we've net together a strong support system. That's all I'm doing right now. That's the only thing keeping me alive and human. But even in the midst of all this, I still have overwhelming moments where I need to step back and allow myself room to breathe. Especially if I'm reading another survivor's story.

We aren't alone.

Fuck our rapists and abusers.

I can't even ramble about much else... just really, really tired.

Goodnight... hopefully...

2 hours after I wrote this, I called my dealer for more smoke... I'm sorry, JIP...