Saturday, July 29, 2006

Trouble w/the Ex

He emailed me a few months ago telling me he doesn't want us to ever lose touch because we're too important to each other.

UH... what the fuck?!

I've never fallen in love before, but if I had to chose someone I thought I could fall in love with, it would definitely be him. No one has ever been as gentle and caring with me as he was. I emailed him at the start of the year wondering how things were going with his girl, asking how in love with her he was. (I was tired of this lingering contact - just needed to know if I was wasting my time.) It took him a while to get back to me, but his response was exactly what I expected: He's in love with her and things are going very well.

I received this/his email two days after my grandma died. I really just didn't give a shit about him after that. I was already in a very weird place with her dying and things going on with the family... I was reluctant to read it, but I knew I needed to in order to put it all behind me.

I never responded - he has no need for me in his life anymore. So he emailed me again saying it seems we're losing touch and he doesn't want that because we mean too much to each other. And he thinks I'm very "interesting and insightful." And you come across very few people who touch your life the way I've touched his, and he just doesn't want this to end...

Again... what the fuck?

I don't get it. I'm a sucker for chasing after something/someone I can't have. I'm tired of it. And I'm even more tired of these guys wanting me to hang around because they don't want to lose touch for whatever reason, but they don't want to be with me in "that way." And I quoted that because this is how it's been working lately: It's okay for us to have sex and only see each other to have sex, but beyond that it's just impossible, but let's not ever lose touch. Translation: I still need to get laid so don't go anywhere.

God, I sound irritated, don't I? I am. I've been thinking about my ex a lot lately. I don't know if it's because my three best friends are getting married in a row or because I genuinely miss that guy. But it seemed too good be true, and my life was so fucked up at the time - getting kicked out of the house, revisiting "the scene of the crime"... I don't know... we were too scared/stupid and not adult enough to talk about anything before he moved away. So much was left unsaid. And I think that's why our contact is still there, but always so random and just kind of lingering for no particular reason at all... just hoping for... I don't know what.

Random rambling yet again... I miss him so much, but I'm also so tired of opening a door to someone, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and still feeling like a fool in the end.

So I just deleted someone else I really care about.

That's a fantastic way to deal with matters of the heart, isn't it? Just turn around and run away... right after I smoke another bowl, of course.


Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

when you are hurting you tend to not want the people you care about around because it reminds you, you do matter. And stop smoking that pot ;)


7/30/2006 5:31 PM  
Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...


7/31/2006 3:09 PM  
Blogger survivor said...

sorry ML

8/08/2006 5:48 AM  

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