Thursday, June 01, 2006


I need to snap out of whatever is going on with me lately.

What's going on with me?

I am totally and completely frozen in fear of pursuing my ultimate dream: Writing.

I have been having such twisted and fucked up physical reactions to the flashbacks while writing that I am just too damn drained and tired to attempt it anymore. I know it will get better and easier, but I just have to snap out of it.

What am I so scared of?

I have had, literally, been suffocating when a memory runs me over or when I have a flashback. Especially the things that I have shut out for so many years. When these things begin to spill out of me, I freak out and can't breathe. A few weeks ago, I was hyperventilating so bad & getting so scared that I had to walk around my house and talk myself through each step... I had to talk out loud about what I was seeing and what I was doing: "There's my table. That's my laptop. I'm walking into the kitchen. I am at my house. I am 27 years old. I am single. I am a sister. I am a daughter. There is my car insurance bill..." I know it sounds crazy, but I had to say everything out loud in order to pull myself out of my past - away from Jay raping me again - and back into the present.

Writing has never been that scary for me before. That panic attack wiped me out. I brushed my teeth and went to bed after I was able to breathe more calmly.

I just have to snap out of it.

I know I am having a very strange time with my grandma's death, but death is just a part of life. I have lost many friends at such a young age. But my grandma is one of the most difficult to process, especially since we were so close... I was closer to her than to my own mom. And I feel guilty for not talking to my family since she died... I just need to be left alone.

Another fear: I will be alone forever.

It is much easier to live my complicated and crazy life alone than attempting another relationship. I am tired of "trying and failing" in that department. More than that, I am tired of not being able to be my entire self, rape included, around my boyfriend. I have always had to hide a part of my life with every boyfriend I have had. And when I feel comfortable enough to open up, which takes me a VERY long time, something immediately changes with how he relates to me. And then it's over.

I'm tired of feeling like I've done something wrong in every relationship I've had.

All of my struggles, paranoias, fears, confusions - they are all valid and real. They are not easy to deal with. I admit this. I admit I can be a handful sometimes. But fuck it. I have more than enough reason to be scared. I am completely justified in needing to be left alone sometimes. I have a right to say no to anything whenever I feel like saying no.

Having a relationship with someone who has been through all the shit we (survivors) have been through is not easy. You have to really care about every ounce of our entire being to stick with us through the bad and real bad. And it will always get worse before it gets better. It's always just ended when it's gotten worse for me. They never let it get better... mostly because I completely withdraw and shut down when I don't know what to do... especially if I really, truly care about someone.

I am in a very weird place in my life right now. I feel like everything is all or nothing. I feel like this is kind of my only chance to make something of myself, to make something of my life, to wholeheartedly and 1,000% make my dreams a reality. And I know I can do it if I just stay focused and remember how badly my heart wants all of this: The Survivor Retreat Center, the fundraiser, the non-profit, the writing career...

And I've noticed that when I meet attractive guys I enjoy flirting with/talking to, I want to bail once it gets to the point where he becomes a "real person" instead of just a "fun flirtation." I talk myself into belieiving it's easier to never see him again, to just drop everything before he can hurt me. God knows I have a hell of a time trusting anyone anymore... I begin to panic with how he will react to what my life is REALLY like - the rape, the family, the drugs, the suicide attempts...

I mean, come on... I'm not exactly the kind of girl you take home to Mom. But I look like it.

Maybe that's another reason I'm too scared to get close to someone I really care about: Because I'm not what I seem. I feel like I'm just a big lie. I feel like I'm just lying to everyone all of the time.

Why am I so hard on myself? I don't know...

I guess old habits die hard - I might be bailing on someone I really care about... and I don't even know why. I'm just having a weird time getting things back in order. I sometimes feel like Life is so out of order that I don't even know where to begin anymore...

So maybe that's how you know I really like you - if everything is hunky dorey and I just vanish into thin air.

So, dear readers, don't take it personal I've been wanting to bail on this whole blogging business. According to my theory, it just means I really care about you.

I'm tired of rambling about stupid nonsense. I'm just agitated and cranky with feeling like nothing is working out according to my "plan."

So fuck it. Fuck my plans.

Plan to have no plans.

"Every possibility is elegantly disguised as a problem."

I just have to snap out of it, dammit.

For the love of God, just snap out of it already...


Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

I understand about just letting things be and not getting too attached to expectations--it's a major goal (and a major challenge) of mine. Don't feel like you're weird because you have to remind yourself how old you are, where you are, etc. when you're having a flashback. It's called grounding and it really helps! I've done exactly that MANY times. I worked with an expert in traumatic stress and we worked on grounding for a long time. Thinking of you!

6/03/2006 9:25 AM  

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