Sunday, May 21, 2006

I Need A Change

Something needs to change and it needs to happen real soon. I'm at the end of my rope with everything these days. I'm flustered, rattled, confused, agitated, frustrated, numb, drained, stuck.

I feel like the world is secretly making her plans for me without me. What about the plans I have for myself? Why isn't anything panning out? Haven't I paid my dues? Don't I deserve some kind of break already? Why do I feel like the world has me ON HOLD? What are you making me hold for?

I've been searching for jobs elsewhere - nothing. I've been searching for another place to move into - nothing. I've been trying to get the word out about our fundraiser, retreat center and non-profit and instead of feeling so proud and alive that I'm doing all of this, I feel like I'm in way over my head with these "pipe dreams." I've been trying to sit down and get my writing out to agents and publishers - nothing.

Am I standing in my own way? What the fuck is going on? Why can't I get to the next level? The next step? The other side? What else do I need to do?? Aren't I doing it already??

What the fuck am I missing here???

Fuck it.

I'm just pissed and frustrated all over again.

And what would I do whenever I felt like this in the past? I'd spend the weekend with her. But she's dead now.

So fuck everything all over again. Now I'm more pissed and more frustrated. Something else that's out of my reach.


I just need to run away somewhere, disappear from everyone and everything until I feel like returning. IF I ever feel like returning.

I need to run away to our Survivor Retreat Center.

I feel like I'm being held back from everything I'm trying to accomplish.

Fuck the world right now.


Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

hi ML
i sure know that feeling right now. whats a survivor retreat centre and how hard is it to get in to and why cant you go there if you need to ? I hope you get all you desire with a new job and new place to live as soon as possible, still reading and caring albeit from a far distance :)


5/22/2006 9:50 PM  
Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

Don't know if it helps, but you are, indeed, not alone. I feel like I can't catch a break either. But, I'm finding that getting pissed is better than getting depressed. I'm glad you're getting mad! Gggrrrr! Aaarrggghh! Yeah, where is our retreat center? I want to go there, too.

5/23/2006 2:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well i don't know why you wrote all this, but if something bad happened with you, be patience,do your work properly,and believe in God,he is always care for you.

3/24/2009 6:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heya, I saw your blog and thought I should write to you, I know how you are feeling as I have felt like that so many times in the past. Everything was so confusing and I just didnt understand what it was all about. However no matter how big or small a problem, everyone has them and they can seem just as big as the next persons. I beleive that you should be strong, beleive in yourself and take what you want out of life. Time waits for no one so think about what you truly want and go get it. I wish you all the best for the future x

8/26/2009 3:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In Life there are problems - In Death there are None. Being alive is a hardship in itself, but not having hardship only means hope is gone. Strive on! Find strength in failure and that alone is success. Guilt and hate lead to more of the same. Heal yourself with the opposite - no matter how difficult it may be at the present. It's your Life and no one else's. You Live it and you've won.

1/01/2010 10:52 AM  
Blogger T said...

I was just thinking how restricted and confined my life was getting, how i need change, I was and still am stuck in a conservative life style, when i got to the end of my rope and typed "I need change" into Google. I opened this site and was relieved to see im not the only one upset about their constricting life. I need help but i think(like everyone else) answers are not about to just appear.

5/15/2010 10:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can understand how you feel. I lost my wife caused by sexual abuse, she was always at the door but would never walk in! I understand you wanting to run and so we the people whom love the survivors become victims as well but when you leave we remain victims.. I paid the cost with my heart and soul for the sick people who take the inocense from a child, no comparison to what you as the victim have been through but left scared all the same!! Good luck and I pray you dnt give up and stick around with the people who love you!!!

5/18/2010 6:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


This is Ria from Mumbai. Was searching for some word on goggle and came across this blog.

Just want to know how are you NOW and hows life treating you.

11/30/2011 12:41 AM  

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