Crash

I didn't know how her death was going to affect me.

Today, I came home after a long day and found myself looking forward to another usual weekend away with her.

But it wasn't until after I finished writing my last post... and on my way to my fridge to stash my pizza... that I realized:

She is gone.

I can't visit her this weekend.

I fell to my floor, pizza box in hand.

I cradled my face in my hands and lay on my floor, unable to do anything else but cry and cry because she is dead and I can't ever go to see her, talk to her about life, touch her soft skin, hold her soft hands, play with her soft her, help care for her...

I am so sad.

I am starting to cry all over again.

I hate that she is gone.

She was the only person, the only home, I ever went to when I needed to feel safe and alive.

I am so angry she is dead.

I am so angry I dressed her for her funeral.

I am so angry I gave her eulogy.

I am so angry I can never see her again.

... Mother's Day is around the corner...

I haven't talked to my family since her death.

I don't want to.

I don't care...

I just want her back...