Dream World

I had dreams about her all night last night. I woke up at 4:30 am feeling so nauseous and weird. I went back to bed and had more dreams about her.

After having these dreams all night, it really hits me that she is gone when I wake up from them. I can feel how much more empty this world is without her. I can feel my heart slowly depleting when I realize it was only a dream.

I miss her so much already.

Life will never be the same.

I am not having nightmares about Jay and my rape anymore. Just dreaming about her now.

I can't tell which is more draining - being raped over and over or realizing my favorite person my entire life is dead.

I emailed around for some contacts for this fundraiser/non-profit we are starting.

But I suddenly don't even give a shit about any of that anymore.

Is this all it is? Life? Is this what it's all about??

Losing pieces of yourself, losing people you have loved so deeply, and losing yourself all the while you are trying so desperately to find yourself?

They say we spend a lifetime shaping who we are.

I have lived a million lifetimes already.

I am only 27 years old in this lifetime.

But, in reality, I have lived as long as God.

I have lived forever.

I am very, very tired.

I am the complete opposite outside of the writing in this blog. I have been described as funny, attractive, exotic, empathetic, outgoing, daring, smart, strong, fun, creative, adventurous, hard-working...the list goes on. What you read about in this blog... my broken feelings and memories... they are all only for here. Nowhere else. No one else.

I've been told I appear to have the perfect life.

Don't judge a book by its cover.

We all have our struggles, pains, angers and confusions.

It is evidence of normality existing in this messy world.

The more crazy we feel, the more normal we really are. The more I am just like you.

I am everywhere.

You see me everyday of your life.

I am the one passing you by on the street, parked next to you at a stoplight, serving your meal at the restaurant, ringing you up for your drycleaning.

I have lived as long as God.

Maybe I am God.

She was my God. And now she is dead.

Maybe she passed the torch onto me. And now it is my greater purpose to be for others what she was for me.

I miss her so much.

I just want to see her.

So maybe this is why she is in my dreams... she hears me and wants to see me, too. So we meet in my dreams. And maybe where she is, she is dreaming the same dream. So we do still get to see each other... in our dreams.

I still miss her, though...