Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Thanks Readers...

I did go to a new T a few times after my hospital stunt, but something about sitting in a room & talking, talking, talking just doesn't feel right anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. It's uncomfortable, I'm agitated, and I feel like I just don't have anything to say anymore. Like I've exhausted that path for myself... the counseling/therapy path. I know that probably doesn't make any sense to you, considering the confession in my last post, and many people reading this are probably thinking that I'm avoiding the real issue. But... I don't know... it's not that I'm opposed to therapy again. And I have given it a chance. A few chances, actually, with this new guy. But it just doesn't seem to work for me anymore. I can't understand why. But that's just how my heart really feels. So I'm just taking it day by day...

Oh, I was "diagnosed" with all the usual stuff most of us (sexual abuse/rape survivors) experience... my T was not surprised at all by everything I was telling him. Disassociation, Severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression... the list goes on. He said we'd discuss medication during my next appointment, but I never booked it. I know I can call him anytime I feel like I need to talk, and that's really the most important thing for me, I think. To know that I DO have options.

But to be perfectly honest, I really don't want to be on any medication, although it's been suggested to me by all kinds of people for a long time. I've pursued this route during many occasions over the past few years, but something about it just doesn't sit right with me. I just feel like whatever I'm going through, whatever this process of accepting my rape is, I just need to feel it naturally. The highs and lows, the "crazy" feelings, the nervousness, the fear, the paranoia, the nightmares... I just want to let myself go through all this as naturally as I possibly can. I don't want to rely on some pill to get me through the day. I don't want to "mask" anything I'm feeling. I know it's hard, but I can do it. I've been doing it.

I do see a hypnotherapist whenever I feel like I need to get a few things off my chest, though. She was recommended to me through a very good friend/mentor a few years ago. I'm kind of a "special client." I mostly see her for regular therapy/sessions, and haven't actually tried the hypnosis part yet, although we do often talk about when I will be ready to try it. I guess I'm just a little scared of what kind of memories will pop up, and I'm just not ready for that. Yes, I'm definitely scared. I feel myself getting to that point, eventually... maybe in the next few months. I'm pretty sure I'll begin the hypnosis part this year...

There's something about her that I really trust. I pay her in installments, post-dating my checks, and she cashes them whenever I ask her to. She knows I'll pay her, and if I don't have the money to see her, but I'm having a hard time, she'll take me anyway, and I send payment when I'm able to. I'm not religious by any means, but pretty spiritual, I guess. I believe there is an energy greater than us which helps us get through very difficult periods in our lives, and the same energy rewards us to even everything out when the time is right. She's respects this and kind of caters to my situation, personality, characteristics & beliefs. She always helps me better understand my confusion. And I always feel like a huge weight has been lifted after I see her. THIS is my therapy. I call her whenever I need to. And she's always there. Sometimes I see her a few times a month. Sometimes I don't see her for a few months. It just depends how I'm doing. No real schedule. We just go with the flow of my life. I realized a long time ago that if this is what works for me, if this is what helps my heart heal, talking and ironing out my life's painful experiences with her, then why do I need to mess with it? If this is what works, then I don't want to change it.

Anyhow, a big thanks to my readers for being who you are, and just always being there for me in general. I love all of you, although this is an anonymous blogsite. I don't think I would've been able to accept anything about my life if it wasn't for this site. It was definitely very strange to receive feedback at the start of this blog... it was weird to know that my words were being read by actual people, and that there were so many more out there feeling everything I was feeling... feeling like they were all alone... like no one would understand, accept or love me because of everything that's happened to me.

The truth is, YOU understand, accept and love me BECAUSE of everything that's happened to me.

I don't where I'd be if it wasn't for all of you out there... you and this site mean more to my heart's healing than anything else in this world.

THIS IS THE REAL ME. And thank you for accepting me just the way I am.

I want to begin taking a different approach with this site now. I'm moving soon, and am so thrilled for my fresh start. I feel like this world has finally given me permission to move forward and wholeheartedly pursue my writing career. I am very much looking forward to a new environment to begin submitting my work for publication. This is huge for me. I've been living here for three years now... I feel like my life has been in this incredible transition/growing/acceptance period during that time. I've purposely isolated myself the past three years so I can, finally, go THROUGH whatever I needed to go through to get my life back on track. I've been pursuing this move off and on for the past year now, and for it to finally happen... I'm more than excited. I knew I just had to be patient. "It's just not time," I'd always remind myself everytime I became frustrated or agitated with my current situation. But now... this is good. This is very good.

I've also cut a few people out of my life. I just became so tired of feeling like I was being used for something other since sincere, genuine, honest friendship. I grew tired of those situations making me feel like shit. So I had to end them. At least for now. Or maybe forever. I don't know. That doesn't concern me... today concerns me. I can only worry about today, the here and now. I'm doing much better at learning how to do that.

I believe I needed my last suicide attempt (my ninth attempt, I think) to get my heart to this place. Something happened to me while I was in that room. I remember I still had those marks all over my body from all the wires and stickers they had to put on me to monitor different things. They didn't completely fade away for almost two weeks. It was like the world was reminding me that this was my last chance to live or die. Like the world purposely left these marks all over me to remind me of each and every painful experience I've been through... and to also respond to all my pain by, in it's own way, telling me that it, too, will fade away, just like these marks.

Wow. That just brought tears to my eyes.

I seriously can't believe the life I've lived thus far. I can't believe I've been through all shit in my young, twenty-eight years of precious life. I can't believe everything I've survived and witnessed. I can't believe how many times I've tried to kill myself. I can't believe how many times I almost died because of my hard partying habits. I can't believe I'm still alive. I can't believe I survived.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Emotionally Drained... Heal or Deal?

I think I just fucked up my relationship with my brother.

I don't know what happened. We haven't really been getting along this past year. He's my best friend in the entire world. We are very close, and I know I can talk to him about anything. But yesterday, I got really pissed off, telling him enough is enough and to not call me because I don't want to talk to him for a long time.

He was more than angry with my "attitude."

I was at work when all this happened. I had to step outside and fight my tears. I was shaking because I was so angry, and so hurt at what was happening... more angry and hurt at realizing that I can't have him in my life in the same capacity right now... however long that is. And I was so fucking mad at myself because I know the real reasons I've been getting so pissed off at him... It wasn't until I started this blog that I realized how much shit I've really been through. And while the things in the blog are NOT my entire life, they are all experiences that have affected me so much... never realizing it until seeing the words staring right back at me, years of bottled up emotion pouring out uncontrollably.

Back to my brother... I'm very angry with him for many things that happened in our childhood.

The hospital trip... the truth about what happened: I overdosed. And the cops and paramedics were at my house, wheeled me out to the ambulance, shitload of tests, in the ER all day and all night, and back home. I told everyone I didn't remember what happened, but I do.

I felt like I was in front of a firing squad. Like it was all of these horrible experiences ready to shoot me dead right then and there, and I couldn't breathe. I started crying uncontrollably, sobbing, unable to feel my body move... broken. And I started saying, while sobbing, unsure who I was really talking to, but saying, nonetheless, "You did this. I know what you did. I will never forget what you started. This is all your fault." And I opened my cupboard, saw a few bottles of pills, and took them, five at a time. I suddenly felt at peace as I was preparing to do this. I spilled the pills on my counter and lined them up, five at a time, and took them. Then, I began cleaning my place and organizing my bills as if nothing happened. I took a picture of my Grandmother, put it by my bed, turned on the tv, and closed my eyes. I told my Grandma I loved and missed her, and that I was going to see her soon.

I can't believe I just told you all this. What freaks me out more than you knowing is the fact that a few people who know me personally have this blog address, and they will soon know the truth.

I don't care. And if you're judging me, go to hell.

I'm angry with my mother for not divorcing my dad when he was at his worst, and more angry with her for taking out HER anger on me, too... and now, with my Grandma gone (it was my Mom's Mom that passed a year ago from Lou Gehrig's Disease), I feel my mom trying extra hard to build some kind of relationship with me. My dad, too. Both of them pretending like nothing ever happened. I felt like I was being ganged up on during those years... fighting her and my dad... my brother off at college doing whatever the hell he was doing... happy to be out of there to live his own life.

I know I have to let go of this anger. The things I'm angry with my brother about I can't tell anyone, either. The things I remember, but must keep buried deep inside as if they never happened. Just like many other things that happened when I was young. I can't open that can of worms. It's in the past. I have to let it all stay there, otherwise my life WILL be over. If I tell the truth about all these secrets... secrets I haven't even confessed in this blog... all hell will break loose. It will destroy my family. My family already has been destroyed enough without me adding to all the drama.

So now what do I do? Even now, I'm starting to cry because I can't figure out how all this is supposed to work out in the end. I can't ever forget any of it. I know what I know. I remember the truth. But how do I forgive? How do I just let it all go and not let it come inbetween every relationship I've ever had?

All of my secret pain and memories ARE ruining my relationships... I can't seem to get to this feeling of 100% inside and out. Confusing feelings and memories interrupt realtionships with men I've dated and really, truly cared about. Best friends have dropped me for months because they're tired of me "acting like a victim."

THAT one really pissed me off for a long time. Of course now, everything's fine. But still... DO NOT tell me I'm acting like a victim. FUCK YOU for accusing me of that when you have NO clue of what my truth is.

And that's another avenue of this entire life I can't seem to get a grip on. I understand that many will NOT understand why I am the way I am... why I sometimes act the way I do... and they will say very hurtful things like that. It does hit a nerve inside of me, and when that happens, the words kind of stay with me. I never forget it. It's another full time job to tell myeslf to let it go and leave the past in the past.

I can't seem to figure out if time really does heal all wounds... or if I just need to close my eyes, turn off my heart, and deal.

Please help.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Of Course...

My assistant quit yesterday... moving back home.


So much for having it all figured out... so much for everything falling into place.

"Everything happens for a reason."

Although I'm beyond frustrated and disappointed, I'm not really surprised.

Nothing surprises me anymore... you've read my blog. You know what I mean.

Anything can happen just like that, when you think you have everything under control... when you finally feel everything falling into place... Life happens, spins you in a different direction, and your focus slowly starts to change, as do your priorities...

Unsure how everything at work will pan out now.

But I'm sure it'll work out the way I need it to... eventually... as long as I don't lose faith/focus.

Been searching for larger places to move into, too. Hopefully something I like opens up soon. But, finding a great little spot around here is like finding a needle in a haystack... although I did find a nice little place across the beach... nice.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Hello :)

Sorry I've been out of commish with this blog stuff lately. Life has been weird since the ER trip in September, and the more time passes, the clearer things are getting.

2006 was a little crazy... My Grandma died (we were very close), I went public with my rape, I fell really hard for someone without even realizing it, and that all went to shit after "dating" for a year and a half... apparently when I was ready, and I knew he was the only one I wanted to be with, it was too late. "Things change. I just am where I am right now." Whatever. Total Bullshit. And then there was the hospital and that drama... do I stay here? Do I move in with my brother? Life isn't going to stop just because I'm sick. And I had everyone telling me what to do because I was in "no condition to think clearly" or some shit like that. Fuck. I was so tired of everyone's shit. I just needed some peace and quiet to let the dust settle.

If you like me, and wanted to be with me, then why didn't you tell me? I can't read your mind, and I know you can't read mine, but for future reference, if you ever want to be happy with anyone, you HAVE to talk. Otherwise, there's no point. Thanks for not letting me bail when I knew this was going to happen with our "friendship." Sweet.

It seems like things are finally mellowing out, though. It took me a while to find a good assistant, and now I know she's here to stay, so I've been able to cut back on my hours and work-stress. Sometimes, if I'm just tired of being around 120 dudes for twelve hours a day, I take off for an hour or two so I can come home, smoke a bowl, watch some brainless tv, take a break from Life, and then head back to work. Having her around has definitely helped my mental health. Remember I work at a construction company. No, not in the office. Well, yes, in the office, of course, but I'm on the job sites themselves. On these billion dollar estates working next to buildings being torn down, concrete being poured for the new Guard House, demo-ing the driveway via nice sounding jackhammers next to my ear. It gets pretty stressful sometimes. The Client I work for is insane, and she's been wanting to hire me out of my company for the past year now. I finally discussed this with my boss, which is why I held off on relocating just yet... I needed to get in a headspace where I could see what was best for the LONG RUN, not just right now.

Anyhow, as soon as this project is completed and our Client moves in (end of June), wedding stuff for another best friend will start picking up, and I'll be gone here and there a lot while helping her with her festivities... and the wedding's in another country, so damn... I have to travel 7-10 days to party with all my best friends. So after her fall wedding, I'll check in with my boss again regarding this position she wants to hire me for. All other projects are kind of hold until we finish this remodel, so the timing's perfect. And I just rec'd another promotion with my current employer, so there's extra money comin in soon either way (which is always welcome in my bank account)... and the new design/architecture knowledge will only help me better prep to work directly under this this client. I'll pretty much be saying goodbye to my life if I want to work for her... if she's traveling in France for 3 months, I go with her, or fly out there multiple times to meet with her, pending on the position. This job will be insane... a shitload of perks, a shitload more money, and I can only imagine the kinds of people I'll meet through working for her. She really likes me for some reason, and even my boss was telling me how she's doesn't like many people at all, but she's really impressed with me. How this is possible, I have no idea... I hardly ever see her, or talk to her for that matter. But my boss did tell me that she really likes having a girl around, finally. (I'm pretty much the only long-term one this company has had in this office, and I run it inside and out for all this crazy Client's projects). This job's mine whenever I'm ready for it. After my best friend's wedding/vacation, I'll be ready to work for this lady. This is the time in my life I should take this kind of opportunity, isn't it? No strings attached, no major commitments, young, fun, single... and I have this gut feeling that she's really going to help with all this Survivor Retreat Center and Non-Profit work a few of us are doing. I know it's far enough in the future, and that's fine... she's really into charity stuff, and if she likes me as much as she does, and she learns about all this work I'm doing with other survivors... I don't know... I just think working for this lady will end up meaning more to my life than just another paycheck. I'm pretty excited to see what's going to happen with all this... I'll finally get to travel to some amazing, exotic places... and I'll have to because it's my job :)

Okay... I'm done rambling for now. And to all my friends I had linked on my sidebar, I'm sorry for deleting you guys. Was tired of really stupid messages from assholes, and didn't want them to start harrassing any of you, too. There's nothing I can do, though. It's the fucking internet. And it's sucks that there are some losers out there who have nothing better to do than pick on innocent women trying to get their life back after their sexual abuse/rape. Shame on you, idiot assholes, for being who you are, and doing what you do.

Yeah, like saying, "Shame on you," is going to mean two shits to you. Why do you do it? Why do you rape women? Don't you ever imagine someone doing something so horrible to your mother, sister or daughter?? 1 in 3 women is sexually assaulted/raped in her lifetime. One of these three women in YOUR life, Dear Bastard-Rapist, has suffered through what YOU do to women. I can't imagine not feeling something when you look at it in that way. Or are you seriously, truly, really that absent of a heart and soul? Yes, if you do this sort of thing to women, you are nothing but a waste of skin.

They say God is never wrong, but I'm afraid that's false. Look in the mirror, Rapist. You will see his mistake.

Goodnight now, readers... been really sick again these past few days, and am now ready to spend some time with my two new boyfriends... gatorade, and my bed.
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