Saturday, February 24, 2007

Emotionally Drained... Heal or Deal?

I think I just fucked up my relationship with my brother.

I don't know what happened. We haven't really been getting along this past year. He's my best friend in the entire world. We are very close, and I know I can talk to him about anything. But yesterday, I got really pissed off, telling him enough is enough and to not call me because I don't want to talk to him for a long time.

He was more than angry with my "attitude."

I was at work when all this happened. I had to step outside and fight my tears. I was shaking because I was so angry, and so hurt at what was happening... more angry and hurt at realizing that I can't have him in my life in the same capacity right now... however long that is. And I was so fucking mad at myself because I know the real reasons I've been getting so pissed off at him... It wasn't until I started this blog that I realized how much shit I've really been through. And while the things in the blog are NOT my entire life, they are all experiences that have affected me so much... never realizing it until seeing the words staring right back at me, years of bottled up emotion pouring out uncontrollably.

Back to my brother... I'm very angry with him for many things that happened in our childhood.

The hospital trip... the truth about what happened: I overdosed. And the cops and paramedics were at my house, wheeled me out to the ambulance, shitload of tests, in the ER all day and all night, and back home. I told everyone I didn't remember what happened, but I do.

I felt like I was in front of a firing squad. Like it was all of these horrible experiences ready to shoot me dead right then and there, and I couldn't breathe. I started crying uncontrollably, sobbing, unable to feel my body move... broken. And I started saying, while sobbing, unsure who I was really talking to, but saying, nonetheless, "You did this. I know what you did. I will never forget what you started. This is all your fault." And I opened my cupboard, saw a few bottles of pills, and took them, five at a time. I suddenly felt at peace as I was preparing to do this. I spilled the pills on my counter and lined them up, five at a time, and took them. Then, I began cleaning my place and organizing my bills as if nothing happened. I took a picture of my Grandmother, put it by my bed, turned on the tv, and closed my eyes. I told my Grandma I loved and missed her, and that I was going to see her soon.

I can't believe I just told you all this. What freaks me out more than you knowing is the fact that a few people who know me personally have this blog address, and they will soon know the truth.

I don't care. And if you're judging me, go to hell.

I'm angry with my mother for not divorcing my dad when he was at his worst, and more angry with her for taking out HER anger on me, too... and now, with my Grandma gone (it was my Mom's Mom that passed a year ago from Lou Gehrig's Disease), I feel my mom trying extra hard to build some kind of relationship with me. My dad, too. Both of them pretending like nothing ever happened. I felt like I was being ganged up on during those years... fighting her and my dad... my brother off at college doing whatever the hell he was doing... happy to be out of there to live his own life.

I know I have to let go of this anger. The things I'm angry with my brother about I can't tell anyone, either. The things I remember, but must keep buried deep inside as if they never happened. Just like many other things that happened when I was young. I can't open that can of worms. It's in the past. I have to let it all stay there, otherwise my life WILL be over. If I tell the truth about all these secrets... secrets I haven't even confessed in this blog... all hell will break loose. It will destroy my family. My family already has been destroyed enough without me adding to all the drama.

So now what do I do? Even now, I'm starting to cry because I can't figure out how all this is supposed to work out in the end. I can't ever forget any of it. I know what I know. I remember the truth. But how do I forgive? How do I just let it all go and not let it come inbetween every relationship I've ever had?

All of my secret pain and memories ARE ruining my relationships... I can't seem to get to this feeling of 100% inside and out. Confusing feelings and memories interrupt realtionships with men I've dated and really, truly cared about. Best friends have dropped me for months because they're tired of me "acting like a victim."

THAT one really pissed me off for a long time. Of course now, everything's fine. But still... DO NOT tell me I'm acting like a victim. FUCK YOU for accusing me of that when you have NO clue of what my truth is.

And that's another avenue of this entire life I can't seem to get a grip on. I understand that many will NOT understand why I am the way I am... why I sometimes act the way I do... and they will say very hurtful things like that. It does hit a nerve inside of me, and when that happens, the words kind of stay with me. I never forget it. It's another full time job to tell myeslf to let it go and leave the past in the past.

I can't seem to figure out if time really does heal all wounds... or if I just need to close my eyes, turn off my heart, and deal.

Please help.


Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

We have also been in your position and been to hospital and all of that. You need to see a T, ml you cant do this alone and no one expects you to, but you are ruining your life, and all of us have but one chance to get it right, we hope you can figure out how to do that.


2/25/2007 3:19 PM  
Blogger Lynn said...

ML, I understand what it feels like to have horrible, hidden secrets. I have a hard time with this, too. It's all so painful and so frightening. I can understand the reluctance to write in depth about it on blog. I have tried very hard to ignore these things, too, but it eventually became impossible and I am so very grateful that I had a good therapist on my side when that happened. I don't know what would have happened to me without him. Can you try to get a therapist that you feel would be understanding and non-judgemental? Please try, ML. I know therapy is hard, but if you can find an open-minded person, it can really help. Hang in there, ML. You are worth it. No matter what has happened to you, you are valuable. You will stay in my thoughts. I am believing the very best for you.

2/26/2007 11:12 PM  
Blogger I Survive! said...

What happened to you was wrong. It is not easy for people who have not gone through what you have gone through to understand your pain, your anger, or your hurt. Not close friends, not family... no they do not always understand. But you are NOT alone. There are others like you.
A trained professional therapist can definitely help. They understand, and they can help. It helped me to seek a therapist, to witness the crimes committed against me. I strongly believe it will be healing for you as well.

By the way, when you are ready, may be we could partner up to manufacture that rapist torture device of yours? I have a couple of devious additions of my own. :-)

2/26/2007 11:48 PM  

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