Monday, November 20, 2006

The Anniversary of My Rape

I know I haven't been writing much lately at all. And I'm sorry for that.

Unsure where my head's been lately.

My heart's just been very, very drained as her internal dust begins to settle.

I am beginning to see things a bit clearer, and am starting to feel a little more solid each and every day...

The 10 year anniversary of my rape just passed... on Friday, November 17th.

I'm unsure how I feel about it all. I'm very, very tired.

I'm doing fine, don't get me wrong. Just tired is all.

This has been my year to break free from this jail I've been living in for years and years. This is the year I begin to get my life back. The year I can look in the mirror and NOT see Jay's eyes staring right back at me. I am beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin... finally... instead of fighting myself from grating it to the bone.

It's taken me 10 years to not be afraid of my my rape.

I don't know if I want to go home for Thanksgiving... I'm afraid all I will think about is my rape and my rapist, and I'm afraid I'll end up driving back to that house again. I might not be very pleasant to be around, to tell you the truth. I may just need to be alone.

I don't know...

Although I agreed there was no reason to see Jay again when I was in the ER, the thought's been in the back of my mind the last week or so again.

Just wanted to check in.

Not sure how I really feel about much right now.

Maybe I'm just numb.

And the more open and naked I've become to the entire world this past year about my rape, the more friends I have lost.

Friendships and relationships operate differently now, if it all anymore. It's almost as if I am being treated like I should be feeling guilty for making certain decisions in order to get my life back.

I don't understand this. I mean, I do, though... people just change as life changes.

And life will always be changing.

I don't know what else to say. Just really, really tired.

I just turned 28 on November 17th. And my rape is 10 years old.

I hope my readers are all doing well.



Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

ML, I hope you can get some peace and rest--and if that means being by yourself on Thanksgiving, do what you need to do--you deserve it.

11/21/2006 3:05 PM  
Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

Thinking of you....sending you many positive vibes. Anniversaries of trauma are very, very hard to move through. Give yourself as much time and room in order to process it all. And above all else, be good to yourself.


11/22/2006 6:33 PM  
Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

oh geez just what you need someone with over inflated ego and no dates what a surprise computers are great at hiding true f heads arent they, hang in there ml

11/23/2006 1:56 AM  
Anonymous Colleen said...

Anniversaries are difficult and so is finding your voice. I pray that you're able to find some time to yourself.

Anonymous, I find your comments completely inappropriate and immature. To say anything more would be dropping to your level of intelligence; it's easy to hind behind a computer and "anonymous" label. I just pray that the Lord softens your heart and opens your eyes to the hurt you've created. I'm just thankful for ML who understands that their are individuals in this world who perpetuate rape, and assault by making comments such as yours.

11/24/2006 8:17 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

I am also at my 10 year anniversary. Don't let the dust settle too much.....keep moving forward. We've both come so far in the last ten years. Its amazing, ain't it?

1/15/2007 6:01 PM  
Blogger AKingTattoedMe said...

I think I understand how you feel, and I also think that in that understanding it definitely makes me think that somthings wrong with me.If you ever want me to elaborate on that for you just ask. I am so sorry for what you have experienced, 10 yrs is a long time to go through a trauma like that. I'll pray for you, you deserve to be comfortable in your own skin if not anywhere else....

3/05/2007 9:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's my ten year anniversery today. It was always going to be hard, I just wish I wasn't home alone drinking beer and popping vallies. But, it's ok, I've moved on since then. Noone even knows. Everything is going to be fine.

2/22/2008 2:47 AM  

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