Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Scrounging for Support

I emailed my ex-boyfriend to ask if he would go with me to confront my rapist:

...More importantly, though, I have a really weird and confusing favor to ask. I've been thinking about this for so long, but can't go alone, and have NO idea who I feel safe to take with me. But I'm going to actually see/confront Jay, my rapist. I don't have many details or a plan of action just yet. I just know I'm going. And I've known for years that I would see him again, just like I knew I would, someday, eventually, return to "the scene of the crime." Just revisited the house it all happened in, sat in his room... Don't ask me what that was like because I'm not even sure yet... I'm just kind of going with all this right now. Just taking it one step at a time.

My question to you is how you feel about going with me to see him. I don't think you would be remotely interested. And I will completely understand if that's the case. But my options are limited with who I can take, and even more limited with who might be understanding enough about me just needing to do this for my heart. That's all I know.

He lives in (State). You can meet me out there once I know when I'm going, and I will probably need to stay at least a few days. I feel more comfortable taking a guy with me... it's safer. I don't know how I will react when I see him there, or how he will react when he sees me. I'll understand if this random "favor" just makes you really uncomfortable. You don't have to answer now, of course, but please do let me know if you will at least think about it or not consider it at all. If not, then I beg you to let me know as soon as you can so I can start thinking about who else might be willing to go...

He called me today to talk to me about all of this. I wasn't going to answer his call because I didn't want to hear him tell me he can't go, like I had a feeling he might say. I just wanted him to email me, but that was the most frustrating thing for me when we were together - the lack of communication. I'm trying to be better about that. So I answered his call and we talked about why I want to do this.

He said he can tell that I've come a long way emotionally with everything (I also mentioned the fundraiser, Non-Profit and Retreat Center stuff we're trying to do). I said, "Well, yeah. A lot has been going on. It's been at least a few years, if not longer, since we've really spent any time together or talked. Life has been pretty unreal."

He asked if I was talking to anyone about doing this and I told him that I just started counseling last week to wrap my head around it because I know my head needs to be more stable about why I really feel like I have to see my rapist again. I said I didn't really have a "plan" of sorts just yet, and that's why I called my counselor again - because I have to figure out what my heart really needs/wants out of this confrontation.

I also told him that for all I know, I might change my mind. That I also can't pinpoint if I am secretly motivated because the anniversary is around the corner, and that might be another driving force because it's such a big one for me. And I've also been thinking that I might just need to check out for a while, at least until this anniversary comes and goes, before I can really wrap my head around taking this trip. "For all I know," I continued, "I could check back in with myself after that day and realize that I'm totally over it. Or I could find out that he might be dead by now. Or serving 25 to life because he finally got caught. I don't know..."

He asked me how long it's been since it happened. I didn't want to tell him, really. For some reason, I hate it when he asks me questions about my rape. I don't know why I feel this way with him, but I do. It's intimidating for me sometimes. But I said, "It'll be 10 years this year on my birthday." We also talked about the last time I saw my rapist, which was when I moved away from home for college.

I went on to say that I know how uncomfortable of a "favor" this must seem. And that I will totally understand if it makes him uncomfortable or if he just doesn't want any part of it. He said that a lot of what I'm talking to him about is true and he believes I'm doing this in the smartest way possible, meaning that I know I need help in stabilizing my head before I make this trip, and recognizing that I can't just go there and not have a "plan." I also mentioned to him that I most likely won't even want him to actually physically go with me to see him, that I just think I need to know someone is there waiting for me when I get back because I don't know how I'm going to be after confronting him.

I told my ex that I don't know if I answered any of his questions or if he has any more for me, and that I hope this all helps him to kind of understand why I might need to do this... and that I'm still trying to understand it all myself. "I don't have any questions for you, (Missing Link)," he said. "I'm not asking you anything at all. I just really want us to keep talking about this. I want us to keep an open dialogue about what's going on. I never had any questions. That's not why I called you. I just want us to keep talking."

He said he doesn't really want to say yes right away, but he really doesn't want to say no right away, either. That he just really needs us to keep talking to each other, that he needs us to keep an open dialogue about what's happening and where we're at.

And how do I feel about our conversation? I don't know. I just feel exposed and naked again, like I'm going to just sit here and wait for him to decide if he can do this with me or not. More waiting and hoping that I'm worth someone's else support. THAT'S how I really feel. Like I'm not worth his yes. I know that's not the case. I know that I'm still trying to figure it all out and until I have it figured out on my end, I can't expect anything from anyone.

Our cell phones were cutting in and out throughout our conversation, and I have no voice right now because of how sick I've been the last few days, so our conversation was a little scratchy. So after my phone died, I texted him, "Phone died. Thanks for the call. Will try to keep checking in with you but can't make any promises. Think I just need to let the anniversary pass and see where my head's at..."

For some reason, I just feel like a total idiot for ever asking him to do this with me.

I don't know if I regret it or not.

... only time can tell.

I just wish I knew why I have to see my rapist again so badly. I don't know... I just do. My heart just needs this...


Anonymous Friend said...

I've just come across your blog and have started to read your posts. There is SO much I want to say, but having trouble finding the words. You're NOT alone in this struggle. I've been where you are, wanting to confront your rapist. It is a very powerful experience and scary in the same moment. You NEED to find your voice in all this and someone to walk with you through this process. Please don't feel weird for asking your ex to walk with you...if he doesn't feel comfortable find someone else. You need the support. You need the community.

9/27/2006 7:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Turning to your ex might not be the best thing to do. If there is a male relative you're close to that might be better if you're looking for security. Probably better a female that you're close to can go with you. I'm sure by now something has happened bc it's been a few weeks.
I was raped by two guys when I was 15 which will four years ago November. Ever since then I avoided everything about it. I went to school with theses guys and pretended nothing bad happened. I started having flashbacks and anxiety attacks and decided enough was enough. I went to talk to one of them a couple of nights ago. He denied doing anything wrong but did apologize for the flashbacks I had. I did it without seeing a therapist and I went in there strong and finished strong. It's completely understandable to want to see your rapist. Just like if you have a really bad bf, you still want to talk to him after you break up to get closure. When you see him, don't be confused about what happened and don't be scared he'll do anything to you. Don't expect too much either. Once you see him tell him exactly what he did to you (don't have to go into too much detail) and what classified it as rape. Tell him what he did was wrong. Tell him how it affected you. Tell him he owes you an apology and you're not leaving without one because you didn't deserve for it to happen in the first place. I hope you find the courage within to stand up to him bc you deserve nothing more to stand your grounds. I felt so relieved and strong after I did it. I felt like I took back everything he took from me and more.

9/26/2011 12:39 AM  

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