Sunday, August 20, 2006

Fallen

I just fell out of my shower and into my bed, soaking wet. I was washing my face when I had to hold myself up because I almost crumbled in the shower. I almost threw up for some reason. I was shaking. I needed to lay down but I couldn't get myself up and out of the shower. I turned the water off in one sweep, grabbed my towel, stumbled my way to my bed and fell down, naked and soaking wet. I was sweating, praying I wasn't going to throw up, hoping this would pass like the rest.

I'm dressed now, but don't feel like going into work anymore. But I have to. And I still have to do some things for my friend's wedding. I really don't feel like, but I have to. I'm mentally spent.

I have to admit it now. I think I want a boyfriend. I can't help but wish someone was here when things like this happen. When I can't sleep, when I can't stand up in the shower because my mind and body has left me, when I'm throwing up what I just ate because I can't hold anything down. I want someone my heart can trust and be safe with, someone who cares and loves me enough to not leave if it gets too hard, someone who won't lie to me, someone who won't give me shit if I need to slow down.

Who am I kidding, though? Any man who could know about a woman's so many dirty little secrets would never, willingly, jump into a relationship with her... too many red flags to count. My next boyfriend will never know about any of this. He can't. Every man I've trusted with the painful parts of my life have used it against me. Granted I still had unresolved issues, but don't tell your friends and family about my rape and then lie to me after I ask you, "Did you tell people about what happened on my birthday?"

I think I've just been hurt way too much to ever fully trust anyone again. I think this is my truth. I'm afraid there isn't anyone out there for my heart. Everything will work itself out, I know. Just confiding another secret... just releasing this into the world:

I don't know if I'm ready for another relationship... it scares me to know that there is a chance it won't work because nothing in Life is a guarantee... and I'm tired of going through the shitty motions of ending something that was so great. But how can I know if I'm ready unless you let me try? I just want to "fix" whatever my issues are. But I can't do that unles you give me someone to try with. I don't care about marriage or kids or the white picket fence. Just give me someone who cares enough about me to be with me right now, no matter what. I just want a boyfriend who doesn't care what other people think or do, just someone who is comfortable in his own skin, comfortable enough to be with all of me - the good and bad. If I need my space, then that should be okay. If I can't have sex one night, I don't want to fight about it, I just want him to understand. I just want to be with someone who understands that I'm doing the best I can, and I am, slowly but surely, getting my life back on track. I just want to finally be with someone who cares about me, can love me, and understands that I'm trying... I hope that can be enough...

I can't believe how bad my head hurts and how badly I need to throw up. I don't understand the physical reactions and weird sicknesses I get from time to time. Please help me understand this. Please help me understand what I need to do to get my physical health back in order. I used to be so healthy, always working out and staying in shape. Lately, though, I haven't been able to feel 100%. And I don't know why...

6 Comments:

Blogger albert said...

One thing I've learned while I'm taking this personal time off..is that everyone in this world have their own stories...

8/20/2006 11:29 PM  
Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

you are coming up to an anniversary you know it will get hard youve been expecting it, sitting gently beside you.

8/22/2006 3:53 AM  
Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

((((ML)))) safe hugs
Are you having migraines? It's a common survivor ailment. Mine used to get so bad that I would feel really nauseated and sick. I'm sorry you're having a hard time again. Sorry I haven't been around--I'm gonna catch up on your blog. You know you can always e-mail me, though, right?

8/23/2006 4:39 PM  
Anonymous Batterfly said...

Sorry to read about your blog. In this state you are in, you don't need a man. Man is imperfect. A man will just take advantage of your weakness and abuse you just like the men before. You don't need a boyfriend right now. No romance. Just pure love and friendship. If you can't find a friend, you better find God. He's the only one who'll love you unconditionally. No one else can. Find your salvation in Jesus. He is our Healer, our Rock our Good Shepherd, our Firm Foundation and the Beginning and the End. Jesus loves you.

8/24/2006 8:53 PM  
Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

Thinking of you....

8/27/2006 8:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From someone who loves a survivor... Thank You...

Your feelings help me better understand some my partners...

Its sometimes really hard with sex. Something as simple as leaveing a certain light on...can cause a trigger...and have her disasoiate...

If she hadent have told me I would have never understood...

comunticating, as hard as it is, is how where getting through it... she says that shes never been happier and together we can achive great things...

12/17/2008 11:22 AM  

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