The Next Step

So now what? I desperately want to relocate, but because I want it to be for a while, I have to do it right. I have to pay off more bills and save a nice nest egg... relocating is so financially stressing! It just seems so far away... I'm afraid I'm going to get "stuck" here. I don't want that. I don't want to live here forever. I have to see what else is out there, who esle is out there. I have to travel. I have to meet new people and try new things. I'm tired of feeling like my life is on hold.

It makes me sad that I'm kind of over a few relationships. It makes me really sad. I don't want to walk away, but I'm at a loss of what else to do. If it's been so long and I still feel like I don't really know what's going on, then I'm afraid I'm never going to know. And how long is too long to hold on? I'm tired of holding on and waiting for the light to go off in my head... my heart feels it. But I'm resisting the final understanding of it for some reason. Just like I'm resisting writing and seeing my family. I'm standing in my own way.

So I'm just going to let it all go and walk away.

I hope I can relocate soon. I desperately need a big change, a fresh start. I need that one thing or person to make it all finally click together. Whatever it is that I need to see, hear, learn or know, it better happen real soon. Before my birthday, the anniversary of my rape.