Saturday, July 29, 2006

Early AM Ramblings:

“When you want to fool the world, tell the truth.” Otto von Bismarck

I have to quit smoking so much pot. I don't understand why I keep on avoiding my real life by living it in a hazy, foggy blurry daze. Even when I'm at work, I wish I was baked. I just don't want to deal with much these days. I just want to party. I just want to celebrate nonstop with my best friends because I can't shake this feeling that everything's changing and time's running out. Why do I feel so rushed? I can't really explain this internal shift I've been going through for so long now. Just doing a shitload of soul-searching. Doing nothing lately but smoking and thinking about... well, my life, really. It's because the 10 year anniversary is around the corner.

What was my life like 10 years ago? Who was I at the time? How would my life be different now if I was in a safe enough situation to tell family/friends the truth? How would I be different? I'm not dwelling or beating myself up. I'm just curious. Just when I thought I was ready to sit down and start writing my story for publication, everything started to shift inside of me.

It's a very powerful feeling, this "internal shift" I'm going through. It feels like the light is finally beginning to peek through this dark black hole I've been falling through for years. I'm kind of starting to feel validated and real again. I mean, I always knew I had every right to feel those things before, but it's different when you feel like you've been living multiple lives... in secret. The more torn you feel, the more drained and troubled your heart gets. Experiences like rape, incest, sexual abuse/assault do more than cross our path... they crash into our path. Every little invisible atom of our being is grinded to the core. We're left shattered, confused, angry, hurt, beaten, lost.

I don't know what else to say, except... I can't believe it's been 10 years since I was raped.

Do you know what that does to a person? Holding in such a big, traumatic, painful secret for so many years?

I don't know either... no wonder I'm smoking so much lately...


Blogger survivor said...

Might be a good idea to lay off the pot for a while sweetie... I know how it helps and how it doesn't, maybe just cut back to a couple J's a day or something... just suggestions.

Go out and celebrate life, do something extra special for yourself with your friends or alone, whatever you feel like doing on the 10 year day. Celebrate yourself!

7/29/2006 9:55 AM  

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