Monday, May 29, 2006

A Little Weirded Out...

So I've been working pretty hard advertising for all of our stuff... The Farm-Aid type concert, the Non-Profit, and our Survivor Retreat Center. I started another anonymous site (but have photos of myself posted) via the suggestion of a best friend to start spreading the word. In the basic intro of this weird little site, I've included the cold hard truth of my rape being the reason I am doing all of this. I've sent this site to all of my friends to gain support... so now basically everyone I know is now well informed of my rape, including any randoms that happen to linger over to my site by chance.

Talk about full exposure.

I don't consciously plan my next step with any of this work... It just happens. I can be doing one thing one minute, and then I will totally switch gears and jump on a new idea the next minute. It's almost as if there is something deep down inside of me pulling me to do all of this. And more than that, I know if I try hard enough, I can really make it happen... WE can make it all happen.

But I get weirded out sometimes while in the heart of my work. I wonder if I'm just in WAY over my head here. I wonder if I am subconsciously putting my rape out there to everyone I know so I don't feel like I'm hiding anymore, so I can be 100% myself no matter who or what. A really good friend of mine even called to talk to me about my rape (he didn't know about it before reading my site). He asked when it happened and who it was. I broke it down for him. He asked how all of this came about (the non-profit, fundraiser & retreat center) and I told him I'm working with other survivors around the world to make this happen - that we are all anonymously connected through our blog sites. And when I mentioned that I have NO idea how I'm actually going to do all of this, he interrupted me and said, "You ARE doing it. Right here. This is it."

That keeps replaying in my mind over and over anytime I get discouraged or ovewhelmed with what my life is.

I am doing this, not just hoping, wishing and wondering. And all I can do is try. So that's what I'm doing. I'm just trying to help other survivors, just trying to raise awareness and provide for them what I never had.

And so through this other site I started, some guy contacted me to volunteer. When I mentioned I still need to get my website up and running, he offered to host it for free and set it all up for our fundraiser and retreat center however we want. He seems nice enough, and I definitely need the help, but I just want help with the website - that's all. NOTHING ELSE. And now I'm just getting kind of weirded out with this guy a little... he emailed me his number and to meet up at his boat if I was bored today... uh, what the fuck?! I admit I did suggest earlier we should meet to discuss the details of this website, but I mean all business, man... no pleasure here... definintely NO pleasure. He seems harmless enough, but... uh... I just need the website done, buddy. That's all... so now I doubt I'm going to respond or contact him again... so there's goes a free website, I guess.

Just knowing I am totally and completely exposed to everyone is pretty fucking scary. Everyone has been very supportive, but they can never understand how awkward and confusing this can be...

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope with everything these days. I think about my grandma all of the time and want nothing more than to just spend another weekend with her. But I know that's not possible. I know she's gone. I have every memory of her death in my head, in addition to replaying my rape over and over again because I just don't know where to go, what to do, or who I am anymore. I want to spend time with my family, I want to see my cousins, I want to barbecue and drink beers with my uncles and aunts, but I just can't go back there yet. And it kills me. It's crushing me that I feel like I really don't even have a family anymore.

I know that's not the case at all. I know they love more that I know - I'm the first granddaughter, the aspiring writer, the social butterfly who is always the life of every party and dinner and event, just like my brother. I feel like my brother and I are the core of our family in some kind of weird way. Maybe it's because we're the oldest, maybe because we've been through so much with our families already, maybe it's because we always see the bigger picture and do what's best for everyone. But I feel like I've kind of given up on my family lately... I don't know why. Family should be the one thing I should be able to count on, right? Family should be the one place I can always go to for safety, comfort and support... I do love each and every one of them more than anything, but I guess I'm just confused with my "place" since she died... I don't know how to explain it...

I'm rambling... I know. I do that a lot.

I don't know what's more confusing for me... actively working on our fundraiser and retreat center projects or feeling like I've just given up on my entire life as I know it... maybe that's why I'm working on this fundraiser/retreat center stuff - to trick myself into believing I have some kind of greater purpose... to force some kind of answer on why I was raped... to make myself believe that the world does need me...

Aw fuck it...

I don't know what the fuck I'm even talking about anymore...


Blogger Mike said...

I read several of your that hit home was where you posted about being tired of hearing you were a victim. I don't agree with their were/are a victim and I hope in time you get through this terrible ordeal.

My one question is why isn't the law involved here. I didn't see where you named the rapist but I would fear that it could happen to someone else as well.

Just my two cents...for what it's worth.

5/29/2006 5:40 PM  
Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

well done on being so brave ml for not hiding in a corner and for raising you hand to stop the silence. You are an inspiration.

5/29/2006 6:38 PM  

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