Heart Attack

Just rec'd a voice mail from my Mom.

My grandpa had a heart attack. The same grandpa who blamed my dad for so many things the night of her funeral. The same grandpa who said hurtful things to my aunts and uncles. The same grandpa who said to me, the night of her funeral - a little before shit hit the fan - that I was an embarrassment to the family because I was already this old and not married.

Uh, what the fuck?!?!

Whatever. You can't argue with a 90 year old man. He's always right. That's how it's always been in our family... I think he's going to die soon. He's been really sick off and on for the last few years. And now since she's gone, I think he's going to be more accepting of dying... I can't explain it. But I think he's going to start to give up a little.

Anyhow, I finally checked my email linked to my blog to find a few anonymous emails. They basically said they feel my pain to such a degree that they wish for nothing more but for me heal, move past everything, enjoy my life again...

And then I finally picked up my pot... while I was baked, I started to read over my previous posts. It just kind of hit me how incredibly depressing, heavy and plain fucked up this site is. I mean, is this REALLY my life? Are you kidding me??

Maybe I AM drowning myself in my past and unable to move on.

Nah.

I'm sorry.

I still disagree with all that.

How do you feel when you read all of my fucked up shit? Do you feel bad for me? Do you feel as fucked up and crazy as I feel when I'm writing this mess? Then good. Because that's exactly my point....

TO MAKE YOU FEEL THE SAME THINGS SO MANY WOMEN/SURVIVORS FEEL.

After all, survivors are everywhere. And so is rape, sexual assault, incest, abuse... you name it. It's such a taboo topic, something no one ever wants to talk about or confront.

My whole reasoning behind starting this blog:

1) Pull myself out of my writer's block. I haven't done any kind of writing whatsoever since completing my last writing project for college, a research paper I created for my last six units of credit, "Psychology of a Rape Survivor." Needless to say, I was a little fucked up while writing this paper... and utterly confused for a long time after that about who I was, where I was, what I wanted... I don't think I have totally pulled out of that yet.

2) To force myself to look deep inside to find my real story. I want - more than anything else in this world (even more than falling in real love) - to become a well-known & respected writer whose words are not only felt, but also heard. I deserve to be heard. And you need to listen.

3) I don't want to write about my rape or my dad's alcoholic fits or any of this blog content in what I am trying to publish. These are my life experiences but they are not my entire story. I don't know how to approach writing for publication right now. I am digging and digging to rid of any bad seeds until I have a clean slate, a fresh start, a new beginning. This blog is all about me purging my dirty little secrets because I don't want them to be a secret anymore... but I also don't want to make them public to those who know me. (Although I have given this address to a few who do know me, but that doesn't bother me anymore. The truth never hurt anyone, right?)

4) I am just trying to find my heart again. I am very intuitive and have such a strong gut feeling about things. Sometimes I feel like I know what's going to happen before it ever does. And most of the time, I'm right about it. Except lately I have had trouble with my intuition. Instead of listening to my heart, I have been yelling at her. I have been fighting with her nonstop. I have been fighting with myself, blaming myself for things I cannot change and am not responsible for happening. I have to get out of my own way. The writing on this site helps me to really dig down and yank out the infested parts of my heart and soul. I know these experiences will always be a part of my life. But maybe they just need to be cleaned up a little. Just a little wash and polish and I'll be fine in no time.

5) This is my release. I am the TOTAL opposite in my day to day living. I am outgoing, fun, sarcastic, love to go to new places, meet tons of new people, try new things... I am always pushing the limits and trying anything at least once. After all, life really is too short. And we only get one chance to live it, right?


But I'm think I'm still confused with why I am even bothering with any of this. Maybe I am intentionally pouring salt in my wounds because I NEED the pain and memories. Maybe a part of me feels like I MUST feel everything so deeply in order to find my real purpose on this planet. Maybe I should just stop writing about it, stop talking about it and really just, well, "get over it."