Monday, April 17, 2006

I'm Drunk... Again

Writing & wine has become a pair... like Bonnie & Clyde, Laverne & Shirley, Tom & Jerry... Drinking is the only thing numbing enough to keep my nightly fears at bay.

I've had nightmares again. Last Saturday night, I dreamt about her coming back from the dead to tell me that it's going to be okay, that she will always be with me, and that she will always love me more than I could ever know... I woke myself up because I was hyperventilating. I have never woken up from not being able to breathe before.

I'll tell you the rest about her and my dreams at a later date because I am too tired & too drained these days... I know she is still with me... in a good way, though. I miss her terribly, more than I miss my innocence and virginity. I miss her in ways I can't even explain. She is such an incredible, internal driving force and spirit that I doubt I will ever feel she has left me, which is a really great thing. I just desperately wish I could still hug her and talk to her...

But I know she is still with me.

I can't believe she is really gone.

Is she really gone? I don't know.

I hated it when the coroner came into the house, covered her up and wheeled her out. I wanted to lay down w/her and ride with them to wherever they were taking her. When I was talking to my aunt a few days later, she felt the same things - she wanted to run after them because she knew she would be scared all alone in that car ride to the mortuary.

I can't believe she is really gone.

She is really dead.

My eyes have formed their own personal wells again. I am too tired to cry anymore...

I wish she wasn't sick. I wish my family didn't fight so much. I wish she knew how much I loved her and looked up to her. I wish I never had to say goodbye.

My grandpa and my dad got into a big fight the day of her funeral. The funeral was in the morning, the fight was in the evening. I freaked out... I snapped: I jumped up, started yelling, "Just stop!! All of it!! Just stop!! She's dead!! Doesn't anyone care?! She's never coming back!! Just let it go forever!! She's dead and this is all still happening!! I hate it!! I can't stand it anymore!! She's never coming back!! She's gone so just STOP IT!!"

I was furious. I ran upstairs and cried until my insides were all dried out.

I miss her. I wanted her to live forever. But she was sick and in too much pain to live forever. I knew that, but wished that somehow, some way, it would all change for her sake.

But instead, my family is being torn apart before my very eyes.

I walked into the house yesterday only to hear another aunt crying and begging my grandpa for his forgiveness. My uncle was defending his honor, too. My grandpa has accused many people of many different things since her death, including my father.

He accused my dad of being responsible for an aunt's divorce and for the marital problems another aunt was having with her husband because, as far as my grandpa was concerned, my dad had taught them how to be disrespectful, negligent and hurtful.

As much as I hate how much my dad used to drink during my childhood, he is still a very honest, caring, honorable man who loves his family more than anything in this world.

On the day of her funeral, my grandpa told my dad he never liked him from day one. I looked over at my dad... the pot was slowly starting to boil...

I begged my dad to let it go. But I freaked out and broke down. I jumped up in front of everyone, crying and shaking. I begged my dad and grandpa to let it go today, of all days... the day of her funeral.

I just wanted - I NEEDED - us to to be a family for once.

I was already secretly really angry and hurt with how life was unfolding for our family before her very eyes... just beggging and praying they could all grow up and get along for her sake...

I have been a mess since her death. I want her back more than anything in this cruel, cruel world...

Things aren't just blurry and confusing anymore...

Things are non-existent.

I think this is the end of my family forever.

No one talks to one another. There is so much gossip and bullshit that I have to leave the house to take multiple drives in order to de-stress from it all.

All of my family's mess only proves that we are normal.

I don't give a shit about any of that, though.

I told them that it was going to be too late when they realized we had to support each other as a family.

And now she is dead. Gone forever.

I hate it. I hate her death more than I hate my rape.

Yes, that's true.

I'd rather let Jay rape me a hundred times than let her suffer the way she did while she was sick.... and witnessing the entire downfall of her entire family.

I am disgusted with my family these days.

But they are a part of me.

Literally. So I must appreciate them, for we are all connected.

Ah, hell... who even cares...

I'm drunk again, missing her, hating that she is no longer around to laugh with, talk to, help care for...

I will always and forever love and miss you...


Blogger AdviceAmber said...

I want to let you know that I hear you. Who was it that died? You sound very hurt and broken.

4/18/2006 7:25 PM  
Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

even though you were drunk when you wrote this, you wrote extremely well. Families all grieve in different ways and some more violently than others, but its still grief.
And it cna do one of two things bring people together or rip them apart. Im sorry your family are being ripped apart and im sorry you are also being ripped apart. Your grief and sadness is so apprarant.
Im not going to say it will get better in time because sometimes it doesnt, just know that people are walking the journey with you and caring in the process.
Oh and be careful on the wine, its great for getting rid of things but eventually it doesnt cover up so good and then the pain is far greater. From personal experience i speak, after my mum died i drank a lot and it didnt make it better, just made it easier to express stuff but alcohol can make you talk but it also stops you grieving.

4/18/2006 7:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*hug tight*

4/27/2006 9:41 PM  

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