Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I'm Over It

I have been thinking all week: I just need to get over it.

I know I can't change my past. I know what's done is done. It is what it is. I can't beat myself up over what I should have done differently because the truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter anymore. I mean, it DOES matter, but it doesn't always have to matter with the same piercing pain and sadness. It's all water under the bridge. The World is trying to tell me that today as she continuously dumps her tears out of the sky. Her tears are wiping away my life's dirt.

There is so much shit making up my life thus far. I don't want the nightmares anymore. I don't want to see Jay anymore. I don't care about any of it. It happened. It all happened and it all fucking sucks and that's the end of that.

No. Literally. I don't know if I'm going to Nevada anymore. I'm not going tomorrow so I don't have to decide today. I just can't let all of that matter right now. I'll figure it out when the time is right. I'll know when I'm ready. I am not going to push myself.

Maybe time does heal all wounds.

Maybe this is my time.

Maybe my time is now.

I know everything has rushed back with such force the past few months because I am trying to get published right now. I know everything is resurfacing because I have been doing nothing but reflecting on my life and who I am today because of it all.

My readers have taught me that all of my feelings are valid, no matter how scared, confused and angry I get. I am learning that not everyone in this world is out to use me and throw me away like Jay. I have opened the door for my angel to come out of hiding. She sees the light and will emerge when she is ready. I just have to be patient.

I just have to be patient with myself.

You have to go through the bad to get to the good.

It all evens out in the end.

Everything happens for a reason.


Blogger survivor said...

Inspiring... thanks

4/05/2006 5:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish you luck in getting "published." You are a wonderful writer! But you already are published with this blog.

4/10/2006 7:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you shouldn't just forget about what happened to you, i know you don't want to worry about the past but what jay did to you was unforgettable and i pray to God that i never have to face anything as horrid and frightening as you did..

6/28/2007 3:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

abuse, hurt, regret, shame, denial, self loathing, isolation, drink problem, drug problem...... these are my crosses, i feel alone where ever i am with family, with friends, walking down a street i am the only one there. people are just faces passing me by not knowing not caring, having thier own issues. i can't trust people or myself i always self sabotage .
i've tried to love the wonderful people who have given me the time of day . but i'm 28 i've done nothin with my life . every thing i touch turns to ash and dust in my fingers . i am a broken soul destined for nothin but sadness hurt and more loss .
i was abused as a child, for 2 years.... from 7 till 9 years old it has tainted my life my soul to those out there can get past rape abuse what ever ................ please tell me how every day i die a little bit more inside cjhc1@hotmail.com

9/22/2008 6:13 PM  

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