Monday, February 11, 2008

Keep Thinking About...

... the fact that I was raped again.

Can't get it out of my head...

The nightmares have started again, but not as bad as before... they're just back... minimal, but still there... been sleeping with my tv on for weeks now. Since a best friend was assaulted just a few blocks from where I live.

He's believed to be a local serial rapist.

Can't believe she got away. I'm too tired to tell you her story right now, or even mine just yet.

Just needed to get it out that... I feel... numb all over again...

I drown myself in my work during the week, and spend as much time with friends as possible during the weekends.

I've been reading over this site a lot lately... can't believe how much different I am now from even a year ago... reading over all this shit... glad I purged it, glad it's gone, over with. Done. I needed my ER trip to be where I'm at today... I needed my second rape to provide that last morsel of firing motivation to do something - had to get out of my own way, even if it meant being raped again.

I don't really understand how to feel about life these days, so I gave up trying to understand it.

Just living it now.

Just living.

Fighting the fight.

Nothing surprises me anymore... Nothing.

I've been through hell and back.

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

My relationship is getting better with my parents, but I still miss my Grandmother like crazy. She's the only one that made everything better again. She's the only one I want to see right now.

I can't let myself be alone with my thoughts for too long these days... they become too heavy to process sometimes... not overwhelming, just confusing.


Raped again... by a friend. "I take full responsibility," he said. I don't know what I'll do when I see him in town again. He lives here... I saw him exactly one week after my friend was assaulted... I freaked out.

I FREAKED out. I was shaking, angry... more than angry... sad, pained... shaking... uncontrollable shaking from overwhelming, roller-coasting emotions... feeling him on top of me, yelling at him to stop... freaking out all over again... unable to get those few precious moments out of my head... I knew I would, eventually, see him around again, but I had NO idea I would react that way - I couldn't control it. I was in full blown FREAK OUT mode. I still have the text messages he sent me after seeing me - after I ignored him... can't erase them yet, for some reason. I read over these messages a lot. Not pouring salt in the wound. Just having a talk with my heart each time my eyes read over his words... trying to understand what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling... most of time, feeling nothing at all.

I ran into him in a coffee shop, a place I regularly visit every morning before work, sometimes more than once for a quick snack... never saw him there before, in all the years I've been going there... except I saw him one week after my girlfriend was assaulted by, who police believe, is a local serial rapist... what fucked up timing.

I wanted to throw everything off the shelves... make a scene... throw bottles agains the walls, breaking everything I saw... watching it all shatter into little pebbles of glass swirling around like a tornado... in slow motion... slow motion just like when Jay raped me... not feeling anything at all, just praying for it to be over... praying that, when I closed my eyes and opened them again, it would all just be a bad dream... but it wasn't a bad dream, it was my silent reality... and it happened again. My internal volcano erupted when I saw him standing there... he knew what he did. Just like Jay knew. Maybe he knew Jay. Maybe they talked... maybe...

I wanted to tackle him... I felt a pack of wolves next to me... walking slowly with me, my bodyguards... as I approached him... I had to pass by him to get my coffee - he was standing in the doorway... I saw... I felt... this pack of wolves walking next to me, drueling at the taste of his blood... eating him alive... I wanted to rip his insides out with my bare hands, leaving him naked... open... exposed... just like how he left me... until he slowly died... until the wolves ate him alive, evaporating him from this world forever...

Just like Jay.

I don't know what to really do anymore, except just live each day to its fullest, being grateful for what I have, resting my head each night, thanking God that I will wake up to see tomorrow, wishing for tomorrow to be the day I don't remember my rapes.

Rapes - plural.

Raped on my birthday the first time around... and then again - eleven years later... just one week before my birthday - the anniversary of my first rape...

Can you believe it?

Yes, I can.

Reality is when it happens to you.

So what do I do now? Just live. That's all I can do...

Just Live.

Goodnight :) My heart's especially tired today...
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