Monday, February 11, 2008

Keep Thinking About...

... the fact that I was raped again.

Can't get it out of my head...

The nightmares have started again, but not as bad as before... they're just back... minimal, but still there... been sleeping with my tv on for weeks now. Since a best friend was assaulted just a few blocks from where I live.

He's believed to be a local serial rapist.

Can't believe she got away. I'm too tired to tell you her story right now, or even mine just yet.

Just needed to get it out that... I feel... numb all over again...

I drown myself in my work during the week, and spend as much time with friends as possible during the weekends.

I've been reading over this site a lot lately... can't believe how much different I am now from even a year ago... reading over all this shit... glad I purged it, glad it's gone, over with. Done. I needed my ER trip to be where I'm at today... I needed my second rape to provide that last morsel of firing motivation to do something - had to get out of my own way, even if it meant being raped again.

I don't really understand how to feel about life these days, so I gave up trying to understand it.

Just living it now.

Just living.

Fighting the fight.

Nothing surprises me anymore... Nothing.

I've been through hell and back.

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

My relationship is getting better with my parents, but I still miss my Grandmother like crazy. She's the only one that made everything better again. She's the only one I want to see right now.

I can't let myself be alone with my thoughts for too long these days... they become too heavy to process sometimes... not overwhelming, just confusing.


Raped again... by a friend. "I take full responsibility," he said. I don't know what I'll do when I see him in town again. He lives here... I saw him exactly one week after my friend was assaulted... I freaked out.

I FREAKED out. I was shaking, angry... more than angry... sad, pained... shaking... uncontrollable shaking from overwhelming, roller-coasting emotions... feeling him on top of me, yelling at him to stop... freaking out all over again... unable to get those few precious moments out of my head... I knew I would, eventually, see him around again, but I had NO idea I would react that way - I couldn't control it. I was in full blown FREAK OUT mode. I still have the text messages he sent me after seeing me - after I ignored him... can't erase them yet, for some reason. I read over these messages a lot. Not pouring salt in the wound. Just having a talk with my heart each time my eyes read over his words... trying to understand what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling... most of time, feeling nothing at all.

I ran into him in a coffee shop, a place I regularly visit every morning before work, sometimes more than once for a quick snack... never saw him there before, in all the years I've been going there... except I saw him one week after my girlfriend was assaulted by, who police believe, is a local serial rapist... what fucked up timing.

I wanted to throw everything off the shelves... make a scene... throw bottles agains the walls, breaking everything I saw... watching it all shatter into little pebbles of glass swirling around like a tornado... in slow motion... slow motion just like when Jay raped me... not feeling anything at all, just praying for it to be over... praying that, when I closed my eyes and opened them again, it would all just be a bad dream... but it wasn't a bad dream, it was my silent reality... and it happened again. My internal volcano erupted when I saw him standing there... he knew what he did. Just like Jay knew. Maybe he knew Jay. Maybe they talked... maybe...

I wanted to tackle him... I felt a pack of wolves next to me... walking slowly with me, my bodyguards... as I approached him... I had to pass by him to get my coffee - he was standing in the doorway... I saw... I felt... this pack of wolves walking next to me, drueling at the taste of his blood... eating him alive... I wanted to rip his insides out with my bare hands, leaving him naked... open... exposed... just like how he left me... until he slowly died... until the wolves ate him alive, evaporating him from this world forever...

Just like Jay.

I don't know what to really do anymore, except just live each day to its fullest, being grateful for what I have, resting my head each night, thanking God that I will wake up to see tomorrow, wishing for tomorrow to be the day I don't remember my rapes.

Rapes - plural.

Raped on my birthday the first time around... and then again - eleven years later... just one week before my birthday - the anniversary of my first rape...

Can you believe it?

Yes, I can.

Reality is when it happens to you.

So what do I do now? Just live. That's all I can do...

Just Live.

Goodnight :) My heart's especially tired today...


Blogger survivor said...

Oh sweetie, I don't have much time right now, but I have missed you and love you dearly. I am so sorry but I do understand and I do wish you some peace.

2/15/2008 2:51 PM  
Anonymous Shay said...

I just discovered your blog the other day cause i was sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I wish you the best of luck and congratulations on your amazing progress. And i have a tidbit i hope will be helpful for your nightmares. The chinese have a goddess named Baku who eats bad dreams, replacing them with good energy and blessing you. When you wake up from a nightmare, say, "Baku, please eat my dreams!" and if you are a good person, she will come to you and bless you, taking away your nightmares. Hope this helps!

2/28/2008 8:29 AM  
Blogger emerald_agony said...

I'm sorry. Incidently, I had similar troubles less than a week before my birthday. It sucks.
I do understand. I know the feelings, the emotions, the mental chaos.
He was my friend. I trusted him. After it happened, he told everybody that I had come onto him and he had said no. The fucker straight-up lied. I couldn't get away from him though. His friends were my friends. As we were together more, I thought it would be alright, but it just gave him an excuse to get what he wanted.

3/08/2008 2:15 AM  
Blogger emerald_agony said...

I am truly and completely sorry that life thrust this upon you so brutally. Nobody should ever be forced to feel like this. The fact that it can happen speaks loudly against the basic goodness of mankind. You may be in more pain than me, I don't know. Fate is a bitch. I am being repetitive but, I must say again, I am deeply sorry that you have had to feel horror such as this. There is no excuse for this. I am so sorry.

3/08/2008 2:47 AM  
Blogger No Nonsense Girl said...

Gentle and safe hugs to you


3/17/2008 9:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

just remember when life throws you a bad memory throw it away because........ the only things worth remembering are the good

4/02/2008 8:42 PM  
Anonymous Thankful said...

It really is like reading an infinely more eloquent version of what goes on in my head.

rapeS. That s is a kicker isn't it?

The second one shook me up, almost out of the stupor that followed the first one, but I haven't come back, really, since then. Not like I did after the first time.

It's amazing that you can sound so positive and that you've managed to keep some friends and family close. That takes a lot of strength.

4/15/2008 10:26 PM  
Blogger Jenny said...

I found your blog tonight and am incredibly touched by your thoughts. I guess I'm so touched because I can relate. I've been a rape survivor for 3 years and have kept the emotional pain inside. I've finally decided to begin therapy and have started a blog myself. Reading your posts and those of others I've found strength. I know how much pain you are feeling and I don't feel quite as alone by reading it. I really admire you for being able to talk about your feelings which is what I hope to begin doing by creating my own. Up until now I thought if I keep it inside and don't talk about it, then it doesn't exist. I don't know if this helps to hear at all but tonight, reading your personal thoughts, you have genuinely helped me to open up and attempt recovery.

6/09/2008 12:16 AM  

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