I Chose Him

I sent this email to a dear friend of mine. I'm posting it here because as I began my reply to her, my writing took off on its own, telling her about my second rape. She cares for sick and elderly people. One of the residents at her facility is a 3x sex offender, has Hodgkin's Disease, and has touched her inappropriately. I adore her. We have an incredible connection based solely on what we've survived, always being there for one another, helping each other through our "crazy" phases, always reassuring the other that we are OKAY... having the utmost faith in one another... in our continued survival, amazing strength and beautiful lives...

January 24, 2008 - 10:59 pm

Holy shit, seriously??!! Damn, this IS a huge fucking test. Sucks... Life has a cruel sense of humor sometimes...

If I was in your shoes, in the same situation, doing that line of work, working with this person, having been through everything I've been through, and being so much bigger, better and stronger in the end - here and now, after it all... having survived every single fucked up thing I've experienced, and you've experienced... I would KNOW that I could handle this, too. Here's a story...

I was raped again in November. Just writing that right now makes me cry. Tears trying to push out of my tired eyes, but I won't let them. Not anymore. Because I'm not sad. I'm mad. And I'm strong. FUCK, I'm strong... can't believe everything I've survived... and everything I continue to survive...

Something hit me the other day... something about this guy, a friend, who raped me... something about the way he acted, the things he said, made me feel weird. But not in a scared way, in a "How many screws are loose in your head?" kind of way. Knowing that something just wasn't right with him... But still... I moved forward, tested the waters... invited him over one drunken night... and... well, you know. I was freaking out. Couldn't believe this could be happening all over again, JUST when I get my life back... what fucked up timing, right? It happened on November 10th, exactly one week before my birthday - which also marked the anniversary of my first rape...

So, now I've survived two rapes, among other things. And then I see him in town. Confronted him. His answer: I take full responsibility... just before he freaked out and denied everything, back peddling all the ways he was right and I was wrong...

And then something clicked... I see a therapist, but not all the time. It's very random - no rhyme or reason to when I see her... I see her when things are good, confusing, bad or just plain whatever... just to check in... talking to her helps me reconnect with a piece of myself... and she asked me a few days ago (I called her for an appt the day I ran into him)... knowing what I know now, having been through everything I have been through with my first rape, and having spent so many years and so much time resolving that part of my life within my heart and soul, knowing - feeling it in my gut - feeling something that just made me stop and think about this guy - what was in me that still allowed myself to not trust that gut feeling? What made me question my own gut?

And I realized she was right... all of his sexual comments, graphic innuendos, etc... it was weird, but I honestly didn't let it phase me... I just chalked him up to being a complete idiot. But... I realized that... as crazy and insane as this may sound... as much as it seems like this world threw yet another wrench in my life... that he didn't chose me... I CHOSE HIM.

Something changed inside of me when I saw him exactly one week ago. Something shifted inside of me. I confronted him, telling him that when you are fucking a girl and she is underneath you, freaking out, trying to push you off of her, it's NOT sex. It's rape... but I chose him. He didn't chose me... I chose him. Somehow, subconsciously knowing deep down that he may very well be capable of this kind of thing, but out of sheer cowardliness and nothing more. I can't explain it, but as shitty as this second rape was, being more scary than my first... I chose him to rape me... not that I chose to be raped again, but... there is something very strange about this entire situation, something very fitting if I look at the big picture of my life... I am not scared of him. I am fired up. I am livid. Angry. Fed up that this sort of thing happens. Whatever little piece I was missing to be one whole person again, he gave that to me. No. I take that back. I took it back from him, the rapist, the violator, the offender. He doesn't know it, but he didn't take anything from me... he gave me exactly what I was missing: the motivation to live my life as one, whole, complete person fighting the fight to the death.

My rambling has a point... try to not be scared of him, as scary as the situation is. It is our history which causes us to act and react in certain situations, especially when they are involving the ones who hurt us the most... those people who hurt us so bad that we know we will never be the same person. And that's just it - you're not the same person that was hurt long ago... you are SOOO much bigger, better and stronger than you know... look at all you've survived thus far... look at your beautiful boys...

Don't let him scare you. He is a coward, now looking to you to help take care of him when he did nothing but hurt others. Instead, study him. Learn from him. TAKE from him as he's taken from everyone else, but I don't mean that in a physical or malicious way... take knowledge from him. Watch him. Talk to him silently... saying the things you always wanted to say but never had the chance back then... this is your chance to confront what you thought you didn't need to confront... the world is giving you an incredible opportunity to get back what you never knew you lost... this incredible little morsel of your heart you never existed, until you befriended your enemy, and let the world make sense all over again. Be strong. Don't be afraid to tell him to NOT touch you. You have that right. It is your birthright... to say no, to tell others what makes you uncomfortable... despite their condition... You are human. Everything you feel is valid. You don't owe anyone anything. And if you chose to not work this patient, then it's okay. He is not deserving of your care anyway. You can only do your very best, and that is all this life is about.

God, I hope all that rambling made some sort of sense... love you lots.. hope this helps... please don't hesitate to send me an email anytime... I'm always here! xoxo