Wednesday, March 07, 2007


The more I openly acknowledge and accept my rape, and every other painful and hurtful experience in my childhood, the more I feel my two different versions merge into one whole person again. My invisible barrier between BR and AR (Before Rape and After Rape) is slowly becoming solid enough so that I can focus on the facts on my life. I need to see and feel this division within myself before I can begin tearing it down. Because the truth of the matter is, the only way anyone can ever accept anything as traumatic and life-altering as my experiences is to look them in the face, head on, in broad daylight, standing on stage, the world as their audience.

Okay then. Time to get another beer, and start my new blog. Hope it helps me to stay in the moment and focused on what matters most to me (family, friends, health, new beginnings, unexpected greatness...). Hope it helps you to, well... understand that just about every woman you see, every girl you know, WILL experience some kind of sexual abuse/assault in her lifetime. And more than that, I hope it helps you to see how internally damaging it is to one person's heart and soul, and that we do, literally, spend the rest of our lives surviving an experience that killed us.

I wish I could make it stop forever. I wish Rape NEVER existed. But the truth is, it will always exist. I don't understand why, and to just know that makes the healing a little more possible. To know that this world will always consist of horrible experiences and people, to recognize and accept this reality, to know that I will NEVER know why he raped me on my birthday... why my first kiss was waking up to his drunken, coarse tongue shoved down my throat... to understand that I will never know WHY I was raped at all is the first step in accepting my life's experiences for what they are... my life's experiences.

My rape is my life's most painful and hurtful experience.

But I can't erase it. And I won't kill him. So, I have to move on. And in order to submit my work for publication, I have to process all this confusion, anger and pain somehow, someplace, before it's cancer spreads fast and wide. So fast and wide that maybe next time, I won't be so lucky to wake up in the ER.


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