Friday, February 09, 2007

Hello :)

Sorry I've been out of commish with this blog stuff lately. Life has been weird since the ER trip in September, and the more time passes, the clearer things are getting.

2006 was a little crazy... My Grandma died (we were very close), I went public with my rape, I fell really hard for someone without even realizing it, and that all went to shit after "dating" for a year and a half... apparently when I was ready, and I knew he was the only one I wanted to be with, it was too late. "Things change. I just am where I am right now." Whatever. Total Bullshit. And then there was the hospital and that drama... do I stay here? Do I move in with my brother? Life isn't going to stop just because I'm sick. And I had everyone telling me what to do because I was in "no condition to think clearly" or some shit like that. Fuck. I was so tired of everyone's shit. I just needed some peace and quiet to let the dust settle.

If you like me, and wanted to be with me, then why didn't you tell me? I can't read your mind, and I know you can't read mine, but for future reference, if you ever want to be happy with anyone, you HAVE to talk. Otherwise, there's no point. Thanks for not letting me bail when I knew this was going to happen with our "friendship." Sweet.

It seems like things are finally mellowing out, though. It took me a while to find a good assistant, and now I know she's here to stay, so I've been able to cut back on my hours and work-stress. Sometimes, if I'm just tired of being around 120 dudes for twelve hours a day, I take off for an hour or two so I can come home, smoke a bowl, watch some brainless tv, take a break from Life, and then head back to work. Having her around has definitely helped my mental health. Remember I work at a construction company. No, not in the office. Well, yes, in the office, of course, but I'm on the job sites themselves. On these billion dollar estates working next to buildings being torn down, concrete being poured for the new Guard House, demo-ing the driveway via nice sounding jackhammers next to my ear. It gets pretty stressful sometimes. The Client I work for is insane, and she's been wanting to hire me out of my company for the past year now. I finally discussed this with my boss, which is why I held off on relocating just yet... I needed to get in a headspace where I could see what was best for the LONG RUN, not just right now.

Anyhow, as soon as this project is completed and our Client moves in (end of June), wedding stuff for another best friend will start picking up, and I'll be gone here and there a lot while helping her with her festivities... and the wedding's in another country, so damn... I have to travel 7-10 days to party with all my best friends. So after her fall wedding, I'll check in with my boss again regarding this position she wants to hire me for. All other projects are kind of hold until we finish this remodel, so the timing's perfect. And I just rec'd another promotion with my current employer, so there's extra money comin in soon either way (which is always welcome in my bank account)... and the new design/architecture knowledge will only help me better prep to work directly under this this client. I'll pretty much be saying goodbye to my life if I want to work for her... if she's traveling in France for 3 months, I go with her, or fly out there multiple times to meet with her, pending on the position. This job will be insane... a shitload of perks, a shitload more money, and I can only imagine the kinds of people I'll meet through working for her. She really likes me for some reason, and even my boss was telling me how she's doesn't like many people at all, but she's really impressed with me. How this is possible, I have no idea... I hardly ever see her, or talk to her for that matter. But my boss did tell me that she really likes having a girl around, finally. (I'm pretty much the only long-term one this company has had in this office, and I run it inside and out for all this crazy Client's projects). This job's mine whenever I'm ready for it. After my best friend's wedding/vacation, I'll be ready to work for this lady. This is the time in my life I should take this kind of opportunity, isn't it? No strings attached, no major commitments, young, fun, single... and I have this gut feeling that she's really going to help with all this Survivor Retreat Center and Non-Profit work a few of us are doing. I know it's far enough in the future, and that's fine... she's really into charity stuff, and if she likes me as much as she does, and she learns about all this work I'm doing with other survivors... I don't know... I just think working for this lady will end up meaning more to my life than just another paycheck. I'm pretty excited to see what's going to happen with all this... I'll finally get to travel to some amazing, exotic places... and I'll have to because it's my job :)

Okay... I'm done rambling for now. And to all my friends I had linked on my sidebar, I'm sorry for deleting you guys. Was tired of really stupid messages from assholes, and didn't want them to start harrassing any of you, too. There's nothing I can do, though. It's the fucking internet. And it's sucks that there are some losers out there who have nothing better to do than pick on innocent women trying to get their life back after their sexual abuse/rape. Shame on you, idiot assholes, for being who you are, and doing what you do.

Yeah, like saying, "Shame on you," is going to mean two shits to you. Why do you do it? Why do you rape women? Don't you ever imagine someone doing something so horrible to your mother, sister or daughter?? 1 in 3 women is sexually assaulted/raped in her lifetime. One of these three women in YOUR life, Dear Bastard-Rapist, has suffered through what YOU do to women. I can't imagine not feeling something when you look at it in that way. Or are you seriously, truly, really that absent of a heart and soul? Yes, if you do this sort of thing to women, you are nothing but a waste of skin.

They say God is never wrong, but I'm afraid that's false. Look in the mirror, Rapist. You will see his mistake.

Goodnight now, readers... been really sick again these past few days, and am now ready to spend some time with my two new boyfriends... gatorade, and my bed.


Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

hey finally you have written thanks for giving us a update huge things going on in your life, can we ask what illness you have ? And smoking a bowl oh man you knew we would shake our head at the one ;) Still reading and caring

2/10/2007 6:00 PM  
Anonymous finch said...

good afternoon. i don't arrive her with a survivors perspective, but as a secondary survivor. my girlfriend, was raped in october. knowing that it was going to be a long road, i went into research, and counselling at a rape/spouse crisis center, all in an attempt to better relate to become a better be there for her when she was ready. im the only that knows what happened. im sure in many ways she regrets telling me. im sure for even some reasons that are completely unrelated to me, but i do know that i have disappointed her in many ways. in the beginning, i made the blunder of mistaking trying to save "US" for just being there for her. well, of course, rather than just being there and waiting and allowing her schedule to dictate her healing, i acted like a psychotic boy scout running around trying to find someone to help. needless to say, i didn't facilitate her healing, i did facilitate pissing her off. it was about that time, after listening and hearing but never accepting what she was telling know...shut the fuck about it, this isn't about you/ didn't happen to you...that i realized she was right. and what i came to understand was, i was trying to confront my grief. i didn't know i had to, but i did, and as soon as i had done that. i found, i could be there for her. i discovered i loved her unconditionally. i could accept the uncertainity and the difficult times. put it another way, i calmed the fuck down. and what a difference it made. through the holidays, things were much better between us. we were talking and from time to time, she would give me bits and pieces of what she was going through. i didn't push, i just listened, and if i spoke it was to ask a question. i dont know that they were great questions, but they weren't terrible. not out of line, and she seemed to--if nothing else--accept that i was capable of some kind of objectivity. at least i didn't feel i was letting her down like i had been. and the culmination of this, was a friday night, she'd been out drinking and stopped by my place after the bars closed...she was pretty loaded...wasn't going to stay, but wanted to see me. i took her home and walked her to the door when she said; "im going to say something, go inside, and were not gonna talk about it...but i know this has been hard on you too, but you've helped me more than you'll ever know." i can never articulate, how much that meant to me. maybe she was just feeling sentimental, maybe it wasn't even true. i didn't know what she meant, have no idea how i helped or even if i did...i wasn't going to ruin it by asking. but i knew this, when she had every justification to chuck me, she didn't. im not sure how many lives i was down to, but she hadn't given up on me. and for the first time, since it happened, i really felt it...she loved me. before, never had to say the words...neither one of did...we knew, it was obvious, probably disgusting to most outsiders. be that as it may, it wasn't bullshit. it was real, and that night, i felt it again. that was a little over a month ago. it's been almost three weeks since things have changed again. it started with sharp little slights thinly veiled as ball bustin'...thinly veiled. things said, that were meant to cut. i overlooked, once...twice...three times...but when they keep coming up, you start to wonder, "does she mean it" not necessarily things that were untrue, but far short of anything constructive. at this same time, she begins hanging out with a new crew. i don't know them, now that doesn't mean i think they're bad people...i just don't know them. very recently, she's begun self medicating. again, nothing im going to judge too harshly, how do you think i get through some of these days? but one thing i could pretty much always count on, something she did before the rape, was when we weren't together was call when she got home. just so i knew she made it home ok...ha...before october, it resulted in an invitation, but now it was just a phone call. she would want me to call, too. just to make sure everything was ok. we were home safe. well, lately she says she'll call, but i know she won't. she doesn't. and the reasons she gives, im sorry, are bullshit. 'i forgot to plug in my died' 'i passed out with the phone in my hand' until finally she says; 'i don't like talking to you when im drunk or stoned...i don't remember what i say to you' people lie to me a lot in my job, it's not hard to spot. doesn't mean i know what's going on, i don't, i just know what she's telling me isn't the truth. i started adding things up, which i hate, it's not fear to analyze her, but i did, and things weren't right. finally it came to a head tuesday night, as usual, she calls inbetween destinations...just enough to say that she called, but not nearly enough time to have any kind of conversation. well, not only is she picking up her knew friends, there's only one bar on her phone. well, it's like every night the last 3 weeks...i feel like she's placating me. but im cool; 'dont worry about it, sweetie. have a good time, will you call me when you get home.'
'of course i will' and i knew she wouldn't. well, she called me at 1130 the next morning. phone was dead, and didn't want to charge it because she doesn't like it when she can't remember what she said to me...well, she knew i was pissed, and i hadn't said more than 'hi...'when she went off. this was ridiculous, she's never had a boyfriend that wanted her to call when she got home.' 'i wasn't her father' which really hurt, because she seemed to be suggesting, that i wasn't coming from a good place...but rather being possessive. im sorry, but one of the hardest things to perform is meaningful introspection. before i look at her, i make sure i look at myself. it hasn't always been pleasent. it's hard to lie to yourself. anyway, she knew that wasn't true, and it was then, that i said a terrible thing; "i don't believe you". the implication was pretty clear, i was suggesting she was with someone. and while, not buying what she was telling me, i didn't really suspect's possible, but not the likliest of scenarios, but she took it exactly how i wanted her to. she hung up, called back, and said that it was done. i was too exhausting for her. she couldn't reassure me anymore. well, it wasn't quite over, but she said she needed time and space. the hardest thing to give someone you love is time and space. but if loving someone unconditionally, you have to accept it. well, she called the night before last...and last night. she said some wonderful things...she loved me...she misses me...of course i need to keep letting her initiate these conversations lol...but it's still nice to hear. funny thing, she's drunk when she's calling. i dont confront her with that contradiction. she did say, to always take her drunk dialing as a compliment. fuckin' madness. i told her that i didn't believe what she was saying about why she didn't call. i don't believe her when she gives me flimsy fuckin' excuses like the one's she's giving me. she isn't a good liar. but regardless of that, i still believe in her. im confused about a great many things, but there isn't any confusion about that. i'd like to tell her that, but anytime i bring up something that remotely resembles an emotion i have, or say anything she deems as too sentimental she gets mad. so im waiting out this storm. hoping it blows through. however, until it does, or until she initiates one of these sentimental bullshit sessions, i've come up with an alternative. today, i started my own blog, and made my first post. it's all about me, how i deal with this, where im coming from. it was exhausting...writing and rewriting...and when i look at the link of this comment, i feel like i just made my second post. i apologize for that. i do understand that i can't give her my shit. she has enough. so hopefully this will help. also, im not asking for advice, or for you or anyone to intrepret her actions. not at all. i just needed to vent. i hope that's cool. i am truly sorry for your pain. your posts have haunted me. so, for whatever it's worth, coming from someone in my position, i can only say, the only one who isn't truly touched by this is the rapist. there is no amount of justice that can be dispensed to convince him, that he's done violence to anyone. because he has long since lied himself into believing he's done nothing wrong. but, he's also the only one that doesn't have the chance to come out of this stronger. he doesn't get to have a greater understanding of what true love and compassion and committment is. he's the only one, that doesn't get to come out of this a better person. he can't. he's a rapist. and that's all he'll ever be.

hang in there. and again, for whatever it's worth, being here today has helped me.

2/11/2007 2:25 PM  
Blogger finch said...

i never mentioned how it is i stumbled upon your blog. i was desperately searching to see if maybe she was blogging. i know it's none of my business if she is. but this kind of confusion has made me desperate to gain some kind of understanding. so, i came across your site and hit it up. for all i knew i had found her. well, it didn't take long to see you weren't her. but as i read several of your posts, the voice seemed vaguely familiar. resulting in the ridiculously long comment above (no, i didn't proof it).

so tonight i was compelled to come back and i began reading your archives. then the funniest thing happened, i felt closer to her while reading your writing than i have since this happened.
i thought i knew what she was up against. but come to find out, i didn't know anything. nothing. nothing at all. and no matter how many counselors i see, how many books i read, or how many of your posts i comment on, i never will really know anything.
im better informed because i see how ignorant i am.
who needs a drink?

2/11/2007 7:17 PM  
Blogger albert said...

Wow, I'll take a drink!

I'm a avid reader of ML and would like to say to both of you that just reading your stories makes me feel so small.

I wonder when I would be able to 'let go' of my stories...

Reading ML for years and reading your post encourages me to do something about it.

Thanks to both of you.

10/15/2009 4:45 AM  

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