Wednesday, September 06, 2006

I'm Over It, Chapter 2

Emailed my ex telling him to forget about it. "I'm going alone. I'll be fine... I'm a big girl. I do appreciate your call, though."

I emailed another ex-boyfriend about a month ago telling him that I didn't want to keep in touch anymore. "You can't expect me to share my life with you if you're sharing yours with someone else."

I don't know if I'm going to see Jay anymore. I don't fucking care.

If I see him, I'm afraid I will kill him.

Slowly. I want him to suffer.

I'm discouraged again. Frustrated. Alone. Confused. Angry.

Very, very angry.

I can't figure out why.

The 10 year anniversary is in less than two months. And I feel like I'm back where I started.

I'm not sure if I'm really moving on from this. I'm not sure what else to do. I'm not really sure what needs to change or happen inside of me. But I need it to happen right now.

Highs and lows. I don't want medication. I don't want to talk anymore. I just want to, seriously, let it go. I don't think I can try any harder.

Nightmares again all last night.

I kept finding my friends... dead. I couldn't see their faces, but I saw dead hands and body parts sticking out of bushes and from behind things. I recognized clothing and jewelry to know it was this friend or that friend. It was dark, foggy, eerie, quiet. I had these dreams over and over again. Every time I went back to sleep, my nightmares started where they left off.

I don't know what's happening inside of my head.

Or my heart.

Tell me what's happening.

Tell me how to make it stop.

I just want to get on with my life. Pretending like it didn't happen isn't the way.

I know it's just an event that happened. I know it's a part of my life that I just have to accept and move on from.

I have been moving on... I'm doing really great in every other area of my life. But as soon as I walk through my front door, like today, it hits me: I'm unhappy and I don't know why.

I'm stuck. But I don't where or how to get myself unstuck.

I'm happy, fun, funny, outgoing all the rest of the time. But this is the truth.

I don't know what's happening with me and I just want it to stop.

I miss my Grandma. I haven't talked to my family in six months. I don't want to see them or talk to them. I have nothing to say. I wish my Grandma was still here.

I just want to disappear and start over.

Help.

4 Comments:

Blogger Dr. Deborah Serani said...

Thinking of you.

9/07/2006 5:45 PM  
Blogger Breeya said...

Hi ML,

Something must be wrong with my conexion, I checked you site a couple of days ago and the last post was the one from August 17th, the one from the 20th kept coming and going, and today I find several new post, that I think should have been there yesterday.
There is so much going on with you.
I don´t know where to start commenting.

I remember when I decided to tell my mother about my father I asked my boyfriend to come home with me. Until the last minute i didn´t know whether he was coming (he didn´t in the end), it was awful, I think I really needed to know what I could count on.
I understand how bad it feels, to get that exposed, and o be so uncertain about everyhting, and everyone. I was also very angry.
What you are going through is very hard. I think I am stuck in a similar place, I don´t know what I need. It is very frutrasting and conusing. I am not happy, and I don´t know what is that I ned to do or to change to gt there. I know I would do it if I knew however hard it is, but I just don´t know.
I keep hoping that one day I will wake up feeling diferent butit doesn´t happen.

I guess I have to be patient and try figure this out.
I feel like the flashbacks and the nightmares are holding me back from moving on.
But I guess if I still ave them id because I haven´t processed all I need to in order to leave this behind.
I can relate to what your are feeling so much.
Sorry I have no magic answers.

I think I will go back to the other posts and comment there.

9/08/2006 6:57 AM  
Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

can only stand beside you and say no disappearing ok

Sa'de

9/09/2006 5:19 AM  
Anonymous Shay said...

if you can tell me how to get unstuck, if you can figure it out, please tell me. i am lost as well.

6/04/2008 8:17 PM  

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