I'm Over It, Chapter 2
Emailed my ex telling him to forget about it. "I'm going alone. I'll be fine... I'm a big girl. I do appreciate your call, though."
I emailed another ex-boyfriend about a month ago telling him that I didn't want to keep in touch anymore. "You can't expect me to share my life with you if you're sharing yours with someone else."
I don't know if I'm going to see Jay anymore. I don't fucking care.
If I see him, I'm afraid I will kill him.
Slowly. I want him to suffer.
I'm discouraged again. Frustrated. Alone. Confused. Angry.
Very, very angry.
I can't figure out why.
The 10 year anniversary is in less than two months. And I feel like I'm back where I started.
I'm not sure if I'm really moving on from this. I'm not sure what else to do. I'm not really sure what needs to change or happen inside of me. But I need it to happen right now.
Highs and lows. I don't want medication. I don't want to talk anymore. I just want to, seriously, let it go. I don't think I can try any harder.
Nightmares again all last night.
I kept finding my friends... dead. I couldn't see their faces, but I saw dead hands and body parts sticking out of bushes and from behind things. I recognized clothing and jewelry to know it was this friend or that friend. It was dark, foggy, eerie, quiet. I had these dreams over and over again. Every time I went back to sleep, my nightmares started where they left off.
I don't know what's happening inside of my head.
Or my heart.
Tell me what's happening.
Tell me how to make it stop.
I just want to get on with my life. Pretending like it didn't happen isn't the way.
I know it's just an event that happened. I know it's a part of my life that I just have to accept and move on from.
I have been moving on... I'm doing really great in every other area of my life. But as soon as I walk through my front door, like today, it hits me: I'm unhappy and I don't know why.
I'm stuck. But I don't where or how to get myself unstuck.
I'm happy, fun, funny, outgoing all the rest of the time. But this is the truth.
I don't know what's happening with me and I just want it to stop.
I miss my Grandma. I haven't talked to my family in six months. I don't want to see them or talk to them. I have nothing to say. I wish my Grandma was still here.
I just want to disappear and start over.
Help.
I emailed another ex-boyfriend about a month ago telling him that I didn't want to keep in touch anymore. "You can't expect me to share my life with you if you're sharing yours with someone else."
I don't know if I'm going to see Jay anymore. I don't fucking care.
If I see him, I'm afraid I will kill him.
Slowly. I want him to suffer.
I'm discouraged again. Frustrated. Alone. Confused. Angry.
Very, very angry.
I can't figure out why.
The 10 year anniversary is in less than two months. And I feel like I'm back where I started.
I'm not sure if I'm really moving on from this. I'm not sure what else to do. I'm not really sure what needs to change or happen inside of me. But I need it to happen right now.
Highs and lows. I don't want medication. I don't want to talk anymore. I just want to, seriously, let it go. I don't think I can try any harder.
Nightmares again all last night.
I kept finding my friends... dead. I couldn't see their faces, but I saw dead hands and body parts sticking out of bushes and from behind things. I recognized clothing and jewelry to know it was this friend or that friend. It was dark, foggy, eerie, quiet. I had these dreams over and over again. Every time I went back to sleep, my nightmares started where they left off.
I don't know what's happening inside of my head.
Or my heart.
Tell me what's happening.
Tell me how to make it stop.
I just want to get on with my life. Pretending like it didn't happen isn't the way.
I know it's just an event that happened. I know it's a part of my life that I just have to accept and move on from.
I have been moving on... I'm doing really great in every other area of my life. But as soon as I walk through my front door, like today, it hits me: I'm unhappy and I don't know why.
I'm stuck. But I don't where or how to get myself unstuck.
I'm happy, fun, funny, outgoing all the rest of the time. But this is the truth.
I don't know what's happening with me and I just want it to stop.
I miss my Grandma. I haven't talked to my family in six months. I don't want to see them or talk to them. I have nothing to say. I wish my Grandma was still here.
I just want to disappear and start over.
Help.
posted by The Missing Link at 9/06/2006 08:04:00 PM
4 Comments:
Thinking of you.
Hi ML,
Something must be wrong with my conexion, I checked you site a couple of days ago and the last post was the one from August 17th, the one from the 20th kept coming and going, and today I find several new post, that I think should have been there yesterday.
There is so much going on with you.
I don´t know where to start commenting.
I remember when I decided to tell my mother about my father I asked my boyfriend to come home with me. Until the last minute i didn´t know whether he was coming (he didn´t in the end), it was awful, I think I really needed to know what I could count on.
I understand how bad it feels, to get that exposed, and o be so uncertain about everyhting, and everyone. I was also very angry.
What you are going through is very hard. I think I am stuck in a similar place, I don´t know what I need. It is very frutrasting and conusing. I am not happy, and I don´t know what is that I ned to do or to change to gt there. I know I would do it if I knew however hard it is, but I just don´t know.
I keep hoping that one day I will wake up feeling diferent butit doesn´t happen.
I guess I have to be patient and try figure this out.
I feel like the flashbacks and the nightmares are holding me back from moving on.
But I guess if I still ave them id because I haven´t processed all I need to in order to leave this behind.
I can relate to what your are feeling so much.
Sorry I have no magic answers.
I think I will go back to the other posts and comment there.
can only stand beside you and say no disappearing ok
Sa'de
if you can tell me how to get unstuck, if you can figure it out, please tell me. i am lost as well.
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