Dating/Intimacy After Rape
"The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well!" Joe Ancis
Most of the time, I feel like I should "be over it" by now. Like my rape happened so long ago that it should be in the past and it should still not effect me in the ways it sometimes still does, especially when I feel my heart beginning to care about someone.
I went out of town this last weekend for my best friend's bachelorette party (think it's going to take me another day or two to fully recover!) I met someone on this trip my first night there. Jeremy. It was fun for us to flirt with his crew and party the night away. But when I was ready to finish the night with the rest of my girls, he wouldn't let me go. Literally. I kept saying it was fun to hang with him but I was ready to take off with the rest, that our weekend was just beginning. But everytime I turned to walk away, he would grab my arms and not let go. He wanted a kiss, so I quickly pecked one on his cheeck and when I turned around again, he grabbed my arm and pulled me back in. I didn't let him kiss me. I was starting to get really uncomfortable with how tight his grip was on me, and how he just would not let me leave. I kept watching my girls walk away and I didn't want to be stranded, especially with a random guy who thought I owed him something. What was really getting under my skin was how he kept saying, "Why are you being weird? I just want to spend more time with you. I don't know why you keep acting like that. You're being really weird and I don't know why."
I wasn't acting like anything. I was drunk, but not so drunk that I was going to ditch my best friends for this character. He kept getting more forceful. His grip on my arms kept getting tighter and tighter each time I tried to walk away. I was starting to get antsy, and pissed. I didn't owe this fucker anything. And HE was getting irritated with me, asking me over and over why I was "being weird" with him. When I finally walked away, I had red marks on each arm where he held tight. I just wanted to be with my friends again.
This is how it is for me since my rape. What may be "weird" for the "normal guy" is my normal now. I can't help it if I start to panic a little or if I need to just run away. I can't help it if I start "acting weird" because the truth of the matter is, you never really know who you can trust anymore.
I know I can get paranoid and scared. I know that in order to just preserve my sanity, I'd rather turn around and walk away forever. It's much easier than facing the truth. It's much easier to just close your eyes and pretend like you don't want to be someone, like you don't care about being alone when, in reality, you're acting like you don't care because then you can't get hurt. Anything to keep your heart from hurting anymore than she has to, especially because you're just now learning how to accept and process something as confusing and painful as your rape.
Dating is even more difficult for me because my rapist was first experience with a man. Because a majority of my experiences with men since early childhood have been unsafe and fearful, my mind, body & heart have all learned to "stay away" from men altogether. I'm trying to change that, but old habits die hard. It just takes time. And more that I have to remember to take it one step at a time, I have to remember to just be patient with my heart. If something doesn't feel comfortable or right for some reason, I need to pay attention to that. I can't just keep turning around and walking away because then I WILL be alone forever. And who wants that?
My greatest struggle with dating is communicating when something confuses me or makes me uncomfortable. Instead of openly asking questions or sharing why something bothers me, I assume he should just be able to read my mind and understand without needed a long, drawn-out discussion. And I hate The Talks every relationship needs to have in order to successfully and continuously progress in the same direction. The way I see it, if it's meant to be, it'll just happen... he'll just know what do and make it work.
But I'm realizing this is not the case. The truth is this is the only way I'll know when someone is right for me... when I'm comfortable enough to say what I'm feeling, or not feeling, for that matter. For some reason or another, of all the men I've dated or "liked," not one has given my heart what she needs in order to relax and let go. I don't say this to mean only a man can help my heart let go... I say this to mean that my heart just isn't ready to open up yet. And for all I know, I could have already met plenty of men who do care enough about me to make it work, but if I'm not really "present" in the relationship, then there isn't really much to work with, right?
Maybe I'm finally reaching a point where I'd like to at least explore another relationship. I feel like I need practice. Like I need to be with somone who is just willing to go through the motions of learning what a relationship is all about, and someone willing enough to help me learn when I'm struggling with what to do next.
I understand I'm not a "normal girl" with "normal issues" because of many things I've experienced in my tired little 27 years of life, but I also understand that... well... how many of us are really all that normal anyway? And what does that even mean?! You are only as normal as you feel, and if I don't feel 100%, then eventually it's going to show, and it's going to slither its way into other areas of my life without me even recognizing it... until it's too late. I can't keep my heart cold, hard and locked away forever.
On a side note: I had my first counseling appointment last week to pursue confronting my rapist. I need help wrapping my head around my motivation behind needing to see him. And before I even do that, I have to look at this confrontation from every angle. I don't know how I will react when I see him standing in front of me, or how he will react when he sees my face. Maybe more than I need to see him, I need him to see ME... this possibility surfaced in my session, and I haven't been able to get it out of my head since then...
Most of the time, I feel like I should "be over it" by now. Like my rape happened so long ago that it should be in the past and it should still not effect me in the ways it sometimes still does, especially when I feel my heart beginning to care about someone.
I went out of town this last weekend for my best friend's bachelorette party (think it's going to take me another day or two to fully recover!) I met someone on this trip my first night there. Jeremy. It was fun for us to flirt with his crew and party the night away. But when I was ready to finish the night with the rest of my girls, he wouldn't let me go. Literally. I kept saying it was fun to hang with him but I was ready to take off with the rest, that our weekend was just beginning. But everytime I turned to walk away, he would grab my arms and not let go. He wanted a kiss, so I quickly pecked one on his cheeck and when I turned around again, he grabbed my arm and pulled me back in. I didn't let him kiss me. I was starting to get really uncomfortable with how tight his grip was on me, and how he just would not let me leave. I kept watching my girls walk away and I didn't want to be stranded, especially with a random guy who thought I owed him something. What was really getting under my skin was how he kept saying, "Why are you being weird? I just want to spend more time with you. I don't know why you keep acting like that. You're being really weird and I don't know why."
I wasn't acting like anything. I was drunk, but not so drunk that I was going to ditch my best friends for this character. He kept getting more forceful. His grip on my arms kept getting tighter and tighter each time I tried to walk away. I was starting to get antsy, and pissed. I didn't owe this fucker anything. And HE was getting irritated with me, asking me over and over why I was "being weird" with him. When I finally walked away, I had red marks on each arm where he held tight. I just wanted to be with my friends again.
This is how it is for me since my rape. What may be "weird" for the "normal guy" is my normal now. I can't help it if I start to panic a little or if I need to just run away. I can't help it if I start "acting weird" because the truth of the matter is, you never really know who you can trust anymore.
I know I can get paranoid and scared. I know that in order to just preserve my sanity, I'd rather turn around and walk away forever. It's much easier than facing the truth. It's much easier to just close your eyes and pretend like you don't want to be someone, like you don't care about being alone when, in reality, you're acting like you don't care because then you can't get hurt. Anything to keep your heart from hurting anymore than she has to, especially because you're just now learning how to accept and process something as confusing and painful as your rape.
Dating is even more difficult for me because my rapist was first experience with a man. Because a majority of my experiences with men since early childhood have been unsafe and fearful, my mind, body & heart have all learned to "stay away" from men altogether. I'm trying to change that, but old habits die hard. It just takes time. And more that I have to remember to take it one step at a time, I have to remember to just be patient with my heart. If something doesn't feel comfortable or right for some reason, I need to pay attention to that. I can't just keep turning around and walking away because then I WILL be alone forever. And who wants that?
My greatest struggle with dating is communicating when something confuses me or makes me uncomfortable. Instead of openly asking questions or sharing why something bothers me, I assume he should just be able to read my mind and understand without needed a long, drawn-out discussion. And I hate The Talks every relationship needs to have in order to successfully and continuously progress in the same direction. The way I see it, if it's meant to be, it'll just happen... he'll just know what do and make it work.
But I'm realizing this is not the case. The truth is this is the only way I'll know when someone is right for me... when I'm comfortable enough to say what I'm feeling, or not feeling, for that matter. For some reason or another, of all the men I've dated or "liked," not one has given my heart what she needs in order to relax and let go. I don't say this to mean only a man can help my heart let go... I say this to mean that my heart just isn't ready to open up yet. And for all I know, I could have already met plenty of men who do care enough about me to make it work, but if I'm not really "present" in the relationship, then there isn't really much to work with, right?
Maybe I'm finally reaching a point where I'd like to at least explore another relationship. I feel like I need practice. Like I need to be with somone who is just willing to go through the motions of learning what a relationship is all about, and someone willing enough to help me learn when I'm struggling with what to do next.
I understand I'm not a "normal girl" with "normal issues" because of many things I've experienced in my tired little 27 years of life, but I also understand that... well... how many of us are really all that normal anyway? And what does that even mean?! You are only as normal as you feel, and if I don't feel 100%, then eventually it's going to show, and it's going to slither its way into other areas of my life without me even recognizing it... until it's too late. I can't keep my heart cold, hard and locked away forever.
On a side note: I had my first counseling appointment last week to pursue confronting my rapist. I need help wrapping my head around my motivation behind needing to see him. And before I even do that, I have to look at this confrontation from every angle. I don't know how I will react when I see him standing in front of me, or how he will react when he sees my face. Maybe more than I need to see him, I need him to see ME... this possibility surfaced in my session, and I haven't been able to get it out of my head since then...
posted by The Missing Link at 9/05/2006 01:29:00 PM
34 Comments:
I didn't really understand it but i'm really sorry for you
I'm not sure what's really so hard to understand... I was raped and thinking about confronting my rapist. The End.
"Most of the time, I feel like I should "be over it" by now. Like my rape happened so long ago that it should be in the past and it should still not effect me in the ways it sometimes still does, especially when I feel my heart beginning to care about someone."
I feel as if you beat yourself down over this, the fact that you think you should be over it already. As if there was something worng because it is not that way.
I am unsure about saying this, I wouldn´t want my words to cause moer if a problem, so please question everyhting I say. This is just a feeling I have, and it is probably extrapolated from my own experinces.
I have the impression that you pt all your problems down to your rape, and reading your blog I see that yuo have actually gone through a lot in life.
You mention things about your family, your father´s fists. The friend you lost, and now your gandmother.
I think loosing a close relative is particularly hard and ground shaking for survivors. it is hard for everyone, but we do not get that close to that many people, and actually the loss feels as a punishment, for something that is wrong with us. (I know I did feel that way for a logn time)
All this things affect your ercovery so much, they are enough to cause a lot of the feelings you have.
So I think you are doing wel given the circunstances.
There is no time by which you should be over it.
If anything shouldn´t be the way it is, is the fact that you were raped.
You are going through something ery hard, you have been for a long time, I am guessing even before the rape, so be easy on yourself.
I am going to stop here now.
I am worried I might be... that maybe I shouldn´t say this things, so please let me know if you rather me not doing so.
I will try to be supportive in a different way.
Take good care of you.
Breeya, you are totally fine in saying what you feel, and I appreciate every word from the bottom of my heart. I'm just grateful that others are reading and caring at all, to be honest. You are right, though, in believing that I do kind of ultimately mount everything on my rape. I don't why this happens, esp. since life was so fucked up long before I was raped. But like my aunt told me a while ago, and I mentioned in a post some time ago, too... it's that I already had this negative outlook about men and certain things in life because of everything I had been through thus far... and then I was raped. "It was like your rape was the exclamation mark of everything else you already felt about the world," she told me.
You defin. did not cross any boundaries or lines at all... please continue to share because I agree with everything you are saying. I just need help understanding why I think and feel this way, especially because I really, truly, wholeheartedly am doing EVERYTHING in my power to heal from this, and live a healthy life post-rape.
Things just blurry when you're in the middle of it, you know?? I need help clearing the muck. It's my readers, my friends, like you, that help me get there. We're all in this together :)
It has taken me a bit to carry on with this "conversation", sorry.
Although you say that it isok for me to say what i feel and think, i am still very unsure about it. I don´t know why, I guess I am worried that it can do more wrong than right.
But... here I go anyway. Just be very critic of everyhting I say.
I think maybe expanding your effors to heal to everyhting that has happened to you besides the rape, before and after would help you healing.
Maybe the rape was a strong reafirmation of many things that you already felt before. But the rape is a easy to pin down, concrete, objective wrong. Maybe other things that had happened and that have affected you are not so clear.
I am not sure I am making much sense, I wish I was half as good with words as you are.
I will try to illustrate this using examples. It took me a long long time to realise what was going on with my father, actually I think it wasn´t until he tried to move into intercourse that it started to become clear to me. And even then it just started and still doubted that he was wrong, maybe I was provoking the situation somehow.
What I am trying to say, is that if someone else have done things to me againts my will as he was doing it would have been clear to me that it was wrong, that that person was doing worng to me, hurting me.
Even now my feelings about many things are confusing. I was growing up, and I was forming myself and that was a part of the world and life to me as much as anything else. Even if it felt bad. I couldn´t make the realtion between my feelings and what was happening. Even nowadays is hard sometimes to make the conexion.
I have seen similar things in friends who have not been molested or sexualy abuse but physically abused. The realisation that the physical punishment they were subjected to was in fact abusive was the first struggle. But even after this they would still not consider as part of the abuse things that were for an outsider obviously abusive. I guess that implies taht when you start dealing with it, you leave all this things out, when in fact have a lot to do with the way you feel.
Is as if youy were suffering from an illness that present cover or mild symptons for a long time, and then at a particular time yuo get another illnes, on top of the other one, that presents the same symptons though they are more accute. Then you start treatment for the second one, and you get a bit better, but never get really well. The unspotted ilnes is there, it has debilitated your system, and it is still not being directly targetted by the treatment.
I hope this makes some sense.
I am saying all this as something to think about, as an idea to explore, not as a fact.
I don´t REALLY know what goes on inside you and why, I can relate to so many of the things you describe so well, but I realise that i am internalising those things into my experinces.
Hope you are doing ok.
Sorry for the bad typing.
I don't know whether this will help -- but even a "normal" person would have every right to be freaked out by someone who refused to allow her to leave. Especially with the grabbing-of-the-arms bit; that's just over-the-top, in-my-space WRONG.
First of all, the guy in this post sounds like a drunken asshole. He wasn't respecting your boundaries at all. He could have just as easily said, "I would like to get to know you better - can I have your phone number or email?" instead of pressuring you to do something you were uncomfortable with.
Second, I identify with what you are saying about feeling like you should be over it. I broke up with a boyfriend two years ago. A year later, I got a call from the police saying he was being investigated for taking sexual videos of women without their knowledge. I was one of them. He did it to many women but there wasn't enough evidence to go to trial. There are things about the situation that remind me of getting "date" raped in high school by someone I knew. High school was 20 years ago!
I tell you this because I understand how it feels to wish it were over and to think that it's not THAT bad and always questioning how come I'm not over it yet. I also have friends who say things similar to Breeya; I'm doing well under the circumstances and that I am the one who had something done to me. That doesn't make me the bad guy and I don't have to keep blaming myself for being with a loser...whatever.
The truth is that what happened to you was awful. What happened to me was awful. And it takes time and therapy and good friends and family to get over it. I totally get where you are coming from.
Now I am trying to let myself feel the pain fully in hopes that this will help me to move on from this experience. And in feeling the pain, I seem to be feeling bouts of huge relief and happiness and feel like I'm started to be released.
Anyway, that's it.
It is hard to confront a rapist...be strong, keep talking about it! You're not alone in this fight!
Bless you. Know that you are not going crazy. Know that you deserve someone who will be patient and not push you. The reall people in the world...who open their hearts are hard to find. I was raped this August. I feel like I am going crazy...my counselor says that really crazy people often don't know they are crazy. I hope for hope for you. I hope for a softened view of the world for me and you. I feel sad and alone too...even in the midst of friends. Let's believe. Let's visualize our lives better. I want things to be better for you and all women who suffer. We do not ask for these injustices and we must scream at the top of our lungs that the occur and that they cannot continue. All my heart - C
I understand. I used to be so happy, dated all the time, was fun 2 b with. I got out of an abusive marriage, found myself in "high demand" and dated many guys just for fun. It ended with one I dated for 2 months, New Year's Eve he raped me, I blamed myself at 48 years old, I should have known better like my marriage, I should have been in control, I shouldn't have trusted him...now, I'm 50, I am NOT THE SAME PERSON nor will I ever be again. I just don't feel the same or see men the same after the rape. It is hard for me to even be around men. I don't want them getting to close to me. I do understand. I hope I will not always feel this way, what a horrible way to live my life...
OMG - what you just said is exactly how I feel and what I was thinking just today.
I recently went on a nite out, and met the most amazing guy, for some reason I told him my dark secret about being raped,and he was just so understanding and just held me....it was perfect.
But then Im kept on getting jumpy when his hands were roaming a bit too far, and he told me to stop getting paranoid and he wouldnt do anything.....I just wanted to blurt out "I cant help it, my body remembers!!!"
You just managed to write out everything I feel at the moment...
I really hope it all works out for you though, think we deserve a chance in life to lead that "normal" life where we can go out with guys again without having to always be on guard.
i just found this...i was looking for help for my daughter, she's 17 and was raped 8months ago...it's been hard, really hard...she's started to try seeing people agian and is see a nice young man...he knows about it and has told her 'take a week take a year' that he will wait and they can go at whatever pace is good for her...he's known her since she was 13....what you've written is very much like she says...i wish i had a magic wand and could take the pain, the fear away...i just keep looking for answers
I read this a year ago but it didn't really sink in. I thought I was ready, but many broken relationships later I realize that I've just been using men to keep myself from thinking about what happened. This post seems more true every time I come back to it. Hopefully one day I won't have panic attacks before dates. Until then, it helps to know that I'm not alone.
I am a man who is dating someon who had a bad experience in her past. In her case it was a family member and happened more than once. I care very much about this person but wonder if it will have an effect on physical contact between us. Your comments were very helpful when you talked about if you care enough about someone you will tell them what is comfortable and what is not. While not all situations are the same I will keep this in mind as we move forward and not take things personally. I really think you are helping people by talking about your experience. It is a brave thing to do.
I found this searching for discussions that would help my boyfriend better understand who he is choosing to love and what he has gotten himself into.
My sexual abuse occurred over 20 years ago and I'm sad to say after many years of good therapy and many well-read books it still affects me. Of course less so and I am now able to have an intimate relationship in ways I never was before; but the bottom line is there is no cure and sometimes your body still remembers (and it's usually at the most inopportune times). My biggest challenge has been not to turn the anger and terror inward towards myself in those moments of fear. The biggest necessity to recovery is learning (especially exactly in those moments) to be kind and patient towards myself. For if I don't, noone else will, and the pattern just continues....
I don't think I will ever get over it. Things will improve. I won't always be this upset. But, it's never going away. People are always quick to tell me that I should move past it. They don't have a clue what they are talking about. Instead, they spit out the typical cliche responses. I'm glad they love me enough to try.
In the meantime, I see him every time I try to sleep. I watch all the passing cars to look for his. Every time I go past a parking lot, I check for his car. People think I should get over it. Unfortunately, once you have experienced such terror, life is changed forever. It sucks, but I think it true. Once again, I emphasize that it will get better for us. This will not always effect me so much. It won't always hurt this much. But, I think that, realistically, that for the rest of my life, he will find a time to sneak into my dreams.
Anybody who says you should be over it is completely full of shit.
Thank you. I couldn't have stumbled across this at a better time. We have a disturbing amount in common, from what I've read. It's sad, because I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but at the same time - it's such a relief to read that someone else has been struggling with the same things.
My therapy attempt was unsuccessful, and I saw him the other day. I ran. /sigh Taking that away, dealing with it, sounds smart. I hope you continue to work through things.
Thank you, reading this meant a lot to me.
You know, I've been raped three times but the last one I have never been able to get over. It was awful. He was a sadistic rapist and held me hostage.
Anyways, after tons of therapy and truly feeling better I still have a hard time dating. My trust isn't fully there, and if men get an inkling "I'm damaged" they no longer want to deal with me. I feel so hurt and angry. At any rate, I sympathize with you... .
Thank you for writing this. I also want to thank everyone who commented on this. I was raped in March '08 by a guy I was casually dating. Everytime I see his type of car I go out of my way to look into it and see if it's him. I can't go to stripclubs with my friends anymore because I feel like I'll see him.I still think about him everyday. I'm trying to start a new relationship now but it's hard. I often find myself at a loss of things to say, I can't fully laugh at his jokes, I can't even touch him, less likely allow him to touch me. Your blog has made me realize that he's never going away. Even if I never see him again I'll always see him. I'll feel him. It feels as if he's still touching me. But I refuse to be the victim. All I can do is deal with it. I thought I could just get over it too. However, I feel the more pressure you put on it to go away and to get over it, the harder it gets. Thank you for the blog. Your story has helped me feel not so alone.
Truly,
J
I am so her completely. I feel the same words. It is amazing to see someone, and others healing just as I. With the exact same thoughts. I do not feel normal, and i feel like i need the same as you. I feel so small inside. But I want to try to love, and be loved. Thank you so much for your words, they could not be more closer to my heart.
Julie K.
www.myspace.com/freefromabuse
Thank you for writing this. I couldn't have found this at a better time. I hate that so many women have had to deal with this.
I'm so glad that I found this blog, this post echos just what I've been feeling. I was raped a few months ago by my then-boyfriend. He's the only boyfriend I've ever had, the only person I've ever had sex with. I feel like I want to date again because I'm just a teenager and should be able to have fun with dating, but I'm scared to death to go beyond just flirting with people. I've not been on a date since I broke up with The Jerk, and I panicked the one time that I got asked and turned the boy down. Just the idea of dating scares me, not to mention future kissing and ... oh my god, what about sex? I'm really glad that I found this blog because I don't feel as alone or messed up now. Thank you!
I don't know how old you are from your blog but I am now in middle age. I was raped 8 years ago, and reported to law enforcement. He went to prison. I have not had sex with a man since the assault. I have dated several men, but did not become intimate. I don't know how long it will take. But I now know that I am more careful and looking for a good honest tenderhearted man before I have sex.
I know it's been said already, but I found your post at the perfect time.
It has been two years since I was raped, and I felt like I should be able to move on. However, I completely freaked out and ended up curled in a ball crying when I tried to let a guy I like get near me. I felt like such a freak. I just worry that I won't ever be able to overcome this fear.
Thank you so very much. As so many others have already said, I found this at the perfect moment. Perhaps the moment is only perfect because I was finally able to look for it, but...
I am 28 and thought I was alone in this terror. My rape happened when I was 11 and I have barely dated at all since then. I've never managed any intimacy and rarely can stand more than two dates with one man before I get too nervous to move on to another. I refused to acknowledge my past and expected the men I met to magically know how to handle me. Then I tried to convince myself that I don't want to date.
Now I've found someone I'm comfortable with and am facing the dreaded "talk." I wish I knew how he would react and whether or not I'm about to put my heart back on the line. I don't know how it would recover from another blow...
It is good to read how other people have lived with these events. I won't list the things that happened to me as it no longer matters. I was just extremely unlucky for several years. I think the important part is how to move away from that as you get older.
I took a slightly different route. After spending many years and a lot of money on therapists, going round and round in circles, I decided to just accept that I couldn't fix that part of me and changed my life to deal with that. I actively sought out an asexual relationship and have met a wonderful guy who will never ask me to pretend to enjoy sex or perform for him. I go to a hypnotist regularly to gradually erase my childhood memories and my whole attitude to life is getting brighter each month. I am getting on with things instead of spending all my energy trying to 'fix myself'. I will never get over the things that happened to me as a child/young woman and I decided to just get rid of them so I can start life again. I'm sure many therapists and psychiatrists would be very much against my decision, but it is the first time in my entire life that I have started to feel normal. I now have a job, am learning to drive and saving for my first house. I can eat properly and have a 'normal' routine. I can walk outside and talk to people and I have hobbies that I enjoy. I have created a new person and thrown out the dead one.
Best of luck to everyone here. I hope you all find your own cures.
Just wanted to add my thanks and sympathy to the rest. My first sexual experiences were negative/violent -- grabbed on a beach by a stranger, but no intercourse -- and I already had issues with inexplicable panic attacks when getting intimate with men...and then in Nov. 08 I was date raped by a friend of a friend who I believe drugged one of (way too many) drinks I had that night. I woke up just before he put himself inside me and started sobbing, and he said to me: "Why are you being so weird?"
I think I'm finally gaining the confidence to feel comfortable explaining all this to a man, if I ever meet one who seems trustworthy again. Stories from people who are experiencing the same setbacks along the way are really helpful, though, especially after "friends" responded to my attempts to talk about the rape by mentioning how drunk they've seen me get. As if that has EVER been linked to me going home with strangers, ever...If there's one thing I've learned from this, it's that we have to take care of ourselves. Somehow we have to have the confidence to go out there and meet people and take small risks -- but we also have to know how to protect ourselves, how to keep predators away and not accept the affections of guys who try to manipulate us into their idea of normal. It's a pretty tough balance to keep.
you know my rape happened about 9 years ago. It took me about 5 of those years to come to grips with the fact it was rape. Like you, it was my first sexual experience. With a boyfriend of almost 8 months at the time who was actually the youth pastor at a local church. It was until a few months ago that I realized the repercussions of his actions. My anxiety disorder's orginis, my inability to carry on a commited adult relationship, my absolute need to be in control of all aspects of relationships, and my weird relationship with needing and wanting to go to church but being angry at the whole idea of religion at the same time.
Now trying to explain to my boyfriend how he can tip toe around my messed up sexuality, and occasional lack there of...
lets just say it does me an infinite amount of good to read about your experiences. Although I am terribly sad that anyone else has to deal with this in any variety, know that you are doing others a WORLD of good by being so open about it.
I hope one day I can be as insightful as you.
God bless.
You are seeking counciling and have Acknowledged the problems at hand. Keep it up!
It has been 6 years since I was raped by a family friend and still I haven't told anyone except my ex-girlfriend. I have talked about it a couple of times to ppl online but am yet to tell my family and close friends...a part of me doesn't want to,i dont want to talk about it, a part of me feels a deep level of shame...that somehow i subconsciously projected all those negative feelings that i was having at the time it happened..and somehow it has come back to me like in a circle. like in that movie, "the secret"...you will get what you project in this life. so if u project that you are a victim..you become one. i know i dont deserve what happened to me...but i feel that i contributed in some way. i flirted with him too. I have been having therapy for about rape a year pre and post rape to current for anxiety and depression. My life wasn't the happiest before it happened and then it happened and I think in some ways it confirmed to me that the world is a hard place and maybe this happened to me because my "friends" bullied me a bit at school and i had low confidence..so i wouldn't stand up to them. My older sister bullied me a bit when i was younger too and i couldn't stand up to her. i dont see those "friends" anymore, cut them out of my life..and my sister has since apologised for her behaviour and my anger has resolved towards her. my anger has always been turned inward...ive had problems with alcohol and drugs...trouble forming relationships/friendships, self destructive behaviours/thinking...anyways i appreciate you listening..and im considering telling my psychiatrist about the rape because he may be able to help me better if i do. love to you all.x
Reading this was like reading about myself, in the words I haven't really been able to express. I think, in a way, I feel ashamed. Or lame for not getting over it?
I was not raped per se, but it was attempted forcefully. We had had a great date before that, cocktails, salsa.. If only he hadn't been a dickwad. Unfortunate really, because I'd just about recovered from a childhood of physical and sexual abuse from my father. (This of course, brings up Freudian issues for me. Am I attracted to incarnations of my father?)
I had a similar experience with the manipulation, he kept saying, "why are you being like this? do you want me to look like a complete dick? do you think I'm a complete asshole?" and kept repeating this over and over whenever I told him to not do something or to go home etc.
Even though now I look back and think, jesus, why the hell did I let him speak to me like that? Why did I let him in to my house when I had said I didn't want him to? Why did I let him stay when I had asked him to leave?
Just reading that, my mind exclaims: Why do I feel like I am the guilty party for "letting him" sexually assault me? Why do I feel like it is my fault?
I have now met this guy and he made his first move on me the other night and I was so stiff, and when he touched my thigh I froze up and moved away. This guy gives me butterflies in my stomach. I haven't felt that, or rather, allowed myself to feel that for almost a year. I feel like I have lost a year of my life.
Problem is, you can't just dump your baggage on some guy you still hardly know, being like oh yeah, sorry I was sexually assaulted (like a YEAR ago)? Right? So what do you do...?
I am too scared to kiss him because I am afraid he will take it as a "I will have sex with you now" signal.
Reading what I have read, and others, it all sounds so similar. It is as if these men, these rapists, have gotten together and worked out the perfect way to get to us. But I have to keep saying to myself, men are not the enemy, but I can't help feeling like I'm heading into enemy territory whenever wherever guys are?
Love from England,
Hannah.x
( Eilan_1c@hotmail.com )
Hi,
When I read this post I felt immediately connected to you.
I have always felt that every experience I have had with men has been bad. I was sexually abused at the age of 7 and had bad dealings afterwards and even was sexually assaulted and raped in college.
I didn't run away. I always just thought I just had to deal with it and that it was how it would be for me. Maybe that is why I experienced so much pain.
i think that you should put yourself out there but don't feel bad if he thinks you're being weird because he is probably being DISRESPECTFUL.
I want to tell you that I know that special person will come along that knows how to treat a woman. You will get him. If you truly believe it.
I too struggled with confronting my rapist. If you'd like I could tell you more about the pros and cons for me. And how it turned out.
Post a Comment
<< Home