Doing Pretty Great!
I started to post a comment on Marj's blog last night, but it ended up turning into such a long-winded stoned rambling session that I just didn't go through with it! I just couldn't stop writing because once again, Marj & I are on the same page with raising awareness. As I started to write, the words started to pour out of me. I wanted to yell how great I've been feeling since telling the truth about my rape. Here it is:
Hey Marj - Just got your comment on my blog and popped over immediately. I am SO proud of you! Reading your secret brought tears to my eyes, but it's so cleansing and refreshing to release all of that pain & turmoil. Telling the truth is REALLY scary... doing something like this is right along the same path of where my heads been lately.
I've been so consumed with so many different aspects of my rape & getting to know myself again because I've been too disconnected for too long. And that's why I haven't posted much lately... weird life situations have really been forcing me to take a long, hard look at my rape, and my life before and after... & who I am now because of everything I've experienced.
But I realized something this last weekend:
I don't think I've ever been happier in my life. It wasn't until I started to shout my rape to the world that I started to feel so alive and "human" again. I admit I was was freaking out in the beginning. Remember what we emailed about? It was a really, really scary situation - and completely testing. I was determined to not be sought after and invaded again. I think (hope!) the worst is over... I definitely learned a shitload about myself - my boundaries, my fears, my paranoias, my instinct, my strength.
Connecting with other survivors has been so rewarding already that I can't wait until things start rolling on the non-profit, fundraiser & retreat center. It's going to be amazing to help others release their internal cancer and enjoy their lives again.
Don't get me wrong - I still have flashbacks and fears, rough days and nightmare-filled nights. But I just have to take it as it comes. It's a process. HEALING IS A PROCESS. Just like it takes time for a cut to heal, so it does for the heart.
It's so life-altering to survive the rape and abuse we have all survived. No one can really, truly understand how painful and damaging it is unless they've been through it. No wonder it's so scary to admit it's even happened at all, and why we suppress so much of it... even why we deny ourselves the truth for so many years. The most shocking truth above all is that it happens more than we know, like you said.
I never reported my rape. And my parents still don't know it happened.
It's really scary to tell the truth, but telling the truth is the best thing I can do. I don't care what people think of me. I'm not the only one who has survived really fucked up shit. You, my readers, friends & supporters, are my greatest evidence of that.
I'm creating a website to raise awareness and begin advertising for all of our projects. On this website, I'm going to have a designated area for survivor stories... a place where survivors can share their experience, learn about our projects (if they'd like to participate in something proactive now or later), and most importantly, feel validated as they read others' stories. I just want survivors to see that we are stronger than we feel - we've already survived one of the scariest life experiences. And some people don't survive.
My main focus right now is to create a hub for all survivors to meet and brainstorm... much like many other sites out there! I have connected with so many survivors already, which would've never happened if I hadn't told the truth about my rape. This truth business is pretty fucking scary, but in the end, it's the only thing that keeps you real, honest and HUMAN.
I'm still brainstorming all the things I'd like to include on my website, which is another reason I've been smoking so much. Eventually, I'd love to link all of my survivor friends & supporters from this blog to another section dedicated to online survivor journals or something. (Go to my post: "Survivors, Tell Me Your Story" a few posts down.) I can't begin to describe how incredibly healing it's been for me to read the words of other survivors.
I'm not alone.
And neither are you.
Hey Marj - Just got your comment on my blog and popped over immediately. I am SO proud of you! Reading your secret brought tears to my eyes, but it's so cleansing and refreshing to release all of that pain & turmoil. Telling the truth is REALLY scary... doing something like this is right along the same path of where my heads been lately.
I've been so consumed with so many different aspects of my rape & getting to know myself again because I've been too disconnected for too long. And that's why I haven't posted much lately... weird life situations have really been forcing me to take a long, hard look at my rape, and my life before and after... & who I am now because of everything I've experienced.
But I realized something this last weekend:
I don't think I've ever been happier in my life. It wasn't until I started to shout my rape to the world that I started to feel so alive and "human" again. I admit I was was freaking out in the beginning. Remember what we emailed about? It was a really, really scary situation - and completely testing. I was determined to not be sought after and invaded again. I think (hope!) the worst is over... I definitely learned a shitload about myself - my boundaries, my fears, my paranoias, my instinct, my strength.
Connecting with other survivors has been so rewarding already that I can't wait until things start rolling on the non-profit, fundraiser & retreat center. It's going to be amazing to help others release their internal cancer and enjoy their lives again.
Don't get me wrong - I still have flashbacks and fears, rough days and nightmare-filled nights. But I just have to take it as it comes. It's a process. HEALING IS A PROCESS. Just like it takes time for a cut to heal, so it does for the heart.
It's so life-altering to survive the rape and abuse we have all survived. No one can really, truly understand how painful and damaging it is unless they've been through it. No wonder it's so scary to admit it's even happened at all, and why we suppress so much of it... even why we deny ourselves the truth for so many years. The most shocking truth above all is that it happens more than we know, like you said.
I never reported my rape. And my parents still don't know it happened.
It's really scary to tell the truth, but telling the truth is the best thing I can do. I don't care what people think of me. I'm not the only one who has survived really fucked up shit. You, my readers, friends & supporters, are my greatest evidence of that.
I'm creating a website to raise awareness and begin advertising for all of our projects. On this website, I'm going to have a designated area for survivor stories... a place where survivors can share their experience, learn about our projects (if they'd like to participate in something proactive now or later), and most importantly, feel validated as they read others' stories. I just want survivors to see that we are stronger than we feel - we've already survived one of the scariest life experiences. And some people don't survive.
My main focus right now is to create a hub for all survivors to meet and brainstorm... much like many other sites out there! I have connected with so many survivors already, which would've never happened if I hadn't told the truth about my rape. This truth business is pretty fucking scary, but in the end, it's the only thing that keeps you real, honest and HUMAN.
I'm still brainstorming all the things I'd like to include on my website, which is another reason I've been smoking so much. Eventually, I'd love to link all of my survivor friends & supporters from this blog to another section dedicated to online survivor journals or something. (Go to my post: "Survivors, Tell Me Your Story" a few posts down.) I can't begin to describe how incredibly healing it's been for me to read the words of other survivors.
I'm not alone.
And neither are you.
posted by The Missing Link at 8/09/2006 07:39:00 PM
4 Comments:
well done so you wont need any more dope right ?????
Sa'de
haha, you're right JIP... as soon as I finish what I have now, I won't be reloading again :) I go through spurts of needing it to sort through things, and then I'm good for a long time... until I may need it again if my writing brings up things and the nights get sleepless again... but I think I may finally be getting to a point where I'm okay without any of that stuff now... It's been 15 months since I've done coke-now THAT'S an amazing record for me :) Thanks for all your love & support with helping me get healthy again... Much Love xo
I came right over here after I published your post on my blog and your post wasn't up yet. Then, I came over again and Blogger was doing their scheduled maintenance (yeah, I had read the notice). Aaacckk! But, you sound so great! I'm happy for you. And I can't wait to visit your new website. Hope to be one of the first to sign your guestbook! Feel free to e-mail me with any ideas you want to bounce off. Sounds like you're percolating some good ones!
Powerful ML
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