Friday, July 21, 2006

Strange Days...

Everything has been really, really strange lately. Not really sure how to describe it. I tried to go back to counseling. But I'm not going back after only two sessions - and even those were five weeks apart! I can't really explain what's going on. Everything is very confusing and scary, but very exciting and alive... does that make sense?

I still haven't talked to my family since she died. I don't really know what to say to any of them. And I really don't feel like seeing them, either. Not that I'm angry or bitter... I just don't really care anymore. Harsh? Yeah, I know. I think so, too. But I can't help it, really. I'm about as fed up with how they treat each other that I just can't be around it for a while. I have enough on my plate as it is. I don't need other people's drama on top of it... and it just breaks my heart that she had to always be buried in it, as sick as she was, as painful as her disease was for her...

I'm just not ready to walk back into that house again... not after what happened the night of her funeral. I still haven't spoken a word to my dad or grandpa. It's been almost 4 months now. Damn... time sure does fly by, doesn't it? It's not that I'm intentionally holding out on my family at all. I'm just not ready to see them. I'm not going to force myself to be in a situation I already know is going to cause me mental and emotional stress. I'll know when I'm ready to go back there. Soon... I promise... maybe...

I don't know... I'm rambling. I'm high. Just smoked a bowl.

I've been smoking a lot lately. I can't really figure out if it's because I'm secretly freaked out about exposing my rape to everyone or because I'm avoiding writing my book.

I don't know what's going to come out.

Yeah... just been smoking a lot to calm my nerves. I've been really anxious and impatient lately. It's like I can feel everything still shifting in my life and I just want it to rest already. I just want to - for one minute, for one day - stop shifting.

... just want the world to rest.

3 Comments:

Anonymous L. Y. Cee said...

You seem like such an intelligent, beautiful person... I'm hoping you will stop using drugs and regain a strong hold on your life.

You don't seem like a weak character. I think you have a strong spirit, and you'll start living freely again soon..

7/22/2006 1:47 AM  
Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

ML,
smoking pot wont make it go away, its still there when you come down, you know that;) And what happened at the counsellors ?

7/23/2006 3:05 AM  
Blogger survivor said...

oh how I wish I could join you in a bowl or a blunt... I can smell it almost. Crazy.

What happened with the counsellor?

7/24/2006 5:10 AM  

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