Friday, May 05, 2006

DONE...?

I don't know if I want to do this blog stuff anymore. I keep getting comments and emails from readers who say I'm letting this stuff eat away at me, I'm dwelling, I'm acting like a victim, I need to start enjoying life, I need to learn how to find the good in everything... blah, blah, blah.

I'm tired of it.

I understand readers wanting to be supportive and helpful, but I am NOT doing any of the above. I am just reflecting and releasing my secrets - things that no one knows about.

If you think I walk around life moping, angry, bitter, etc., then you are wrong. This blog is a small part of who I am and what I do. But although small, it is probably the most important.

I'm confused with why I should even bother anymore.

Maybe I should say, Fuck it.

And just be done with it once and for all.

I'm tired of people telling me things like, I'm acting like a victim.

Whatever.

I'm not acting like a victim.

I am just being open about who I am and how I feel about such secret life things.

And I am trying to get published right now - that's why so many weird emotions are resurfacing. I'm just letting myself feel them for once.

So maybe I will just say, Fuck it.

And maybe fuck this blog, too.

I can't wait to finally move and change my number. Hopefully this next place works out... we'll see. But as soon as I'm all moved in, my fresh start begins.

I thought this blog would be helping me... but it just seems to be confusing me more.

I just want to delete it forever. Just erase any evidence of my "dwelling, crying victim, unable to find the good in life...."

And I'm not taking a few random comments/emails too personal, either. Just noticing a pattern lately.

Maybe I was all wrong in starting this blog.

Whatever.

I'm open to any thoughts, suggestions, advice, etc...

Later.

12 Comments:

Blogger Dreaming again said...

I started a private blog on a different blog system, totally anonymous (my blog spot is NOT anonymous, I can be found easily by people who know me)

for exactly this purpose. I've been a bit discouraged by the people trying to 'encourage' me ..things will get better, you'll get stronger ... etc.

Look, people, I'm trying to get this stuff out! I don't neeed to know I'll get stronger, I have strength, joy, and I actually have quite a bit of fun in life.

I need to know it's ok to hurt, to express the pain, to know it's ok that this stuff sucks!

I completely understand how you feel!

I hope you don't go somewhere else. I just started to read you. It's been helpful to me. I do understand what you're doing here.

5/05/2006 9:22 AM  
Blogger albert said...

Maybe it is time for you to 'fuck it' or maybe not.

I've started my blog knowing that I won't let some of shits out.. but reading yours and the others out there, what you all are going through or went through, gave me an encouragement to share my feelings. (you know how secretive we are)

Blog is a pretty good way to let yourself out. I don't take it too seriousely, but it helps me in a way that I can express myself easily?

After all, writing with your hand gets boring sometime.

Hope you continue your blog, if not come visit mine often.

Peace,

albert.

5/05/2006 1:34 PM  
Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

dont piss off ml we think what you write is awesome and worthwhile and honest, please stay

5/05/2006 3:03 PM  
Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

ml,
please can you tell us you are ok and please will you keep writing it helps us also you know ;)

Amelia

5/07/2006 1:40 AM  
Blogger Tammiodo said...

This blog is for you. The people commenting, whilst many of them (including myself) are trying to help and encourage you, remember that it's for you. if you feel it helps you, then continue it.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're dwelling on things. You're not acting like a victim. You're dealing with it your own way. Nobody else can tell you how to do that.

good luck :)

5/07/2006 9:40 PM  
Anonymous Breeya said...

I am sorry about the negative feedback you are getting.
I think all the people who say that you are dwelling, acting like a victim etc, are just wrong. They just don´t understand what you are doing and what you are going through.

I am incest survivor, and I have heard all kind of comments like the ones you say. You are right there is a pattern.
I have thought about this, and I have observed the pople around me. Over time I have realised that most people I know have never really worked through their issues. We all have issues, some more than others, but there is, I would say, a general tendency to not stop and deal with them, but to just patch up and keep going.
I think there is a very simple explanation for this behaviour. Working through it is a greater disturbance, it is harder.

I am not finding a way to express what I had in mind when I started writting, I am not very good at this.

I might try again some other time.
Now, i will just say, that I think you are doing to difficult thing byt exploring in depth the issues, and yourself. Don´t be put down by those who do not want to do the same.
I am not saying that means to keep your blog, it is up to you.
I haven´t been confident enough to start my own blog. (among other reasons, I am very worried about anonimity, I said this in survivors blog)

People who do not want to look at their issues feels uneasy about other people doing it. It makes it harder for them.

Before I ever spoke about my experiences, I found it really hard to hear about child abuse.
It made it a lot harder to ignore that it had happen to me, it made it impossible.

I hope you can at least get an idea of what I mean, I know is not well explained.

Take care, keep healing.
You are not dwelling, you are facing your issues, you have decided not to stop in the surface. Looking at the consequences and effects on the events in your life have on yourself, long term, is not being a victim. Is taking control.

5/08/2006 3:19 PM  
Anonymous mia said...

it's your thoughts and like you said, who you are and what you do. generally when ppl read blogs, especially ones that involve a rape, their first thought is, "jeez, more depressing stuff. they need to move on etc". trust me, you don't even come close to it... it's a great way to sorta anonymously pen your thoughts and can be quite relieving too. hope you keep blogging :-) take care

5/08/2006 8:11 PM  
Blogger survivor said...

ML - Fuck Them! This is for you! This is your journey, your path, your healing.

If you're dwelling and playing a victim, then so I am and so are the rest of us...

Feeling our pain, our sadness, our loneliness, our rage, our grief, our emptiness doesn't make us victims or mean we have pity parties for ourselves. It means that for the first fucking time we are trying to DO something about those feelings instead of chasing them away with drugs or booze.

Don't stop doing what you're doing... please...

5/09/2006 5:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, don't worry about any of the comments, you are doing this thing for yourself. You can write whatever you want.

5/15/2006 3:27 AM  
Blogger Chuck said...

Hell at lest you get feed back, sure i have readers but no comments. feel lucky that people not only read what you write here but they also comment and tell you what they think.

5/16/2006 8:00 PM  
Anonymous Lori said...

I stumbled onto your blog today. I don't know your whole story...only the random snippets I have read this afternoon. I feel like you are telling my story...the story that I didn't think anyone else knew. Rape. Family in the dark or in denial. Struggle to continue with life - a life worth living. You are speaking for too many of us right now. Please don't stop. Because if you can make it through this, then there is hope for the rest of us too.

6/02/2006 1:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

best regards, nice info
» » »

7/21/2006 9:58 PM  

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