10 Hours & Nothing

I went to sleep at 8 pm last night. So exhausted. So drained. Work was hard yesterday. But even after 10 hours of "sleeping," I still haven't really slept. I had dreams about her all night long. I woke up every hour or two, and every time I went back to "sleep", the dreams started right where they left off. I woke up drenched in sweat, feeling like I was hit by a bus. And I found myself crying most times I woke up last night, because I was crying in my dreams. Sweet. So I've gone from having nightmares about Jay, my rape, being chased, unable to move or cry for help to dreaming about her and waking up crying or unable to breathe.

I am very tired this morning. In bed for 10 hours, but only feeling like I've slept for no more than 10 minutes.

I miss her so much.

The only time I can remember where I didn't have trouble sleeping was last Saturday night. I stayed with a friend of mine, but left his house at 6 am because I was afraid that if I went back to sleep, I would wake up like I have been lately. I didn't want him to be witness to that. So I got dressed, grabbed my keys, kissed him goodbye, and drove the hour and a half home because I didn't know what else to do.

It will get better. I know it will. I just miss her. It just hasn't really hit me that she is gone. The dreams are making her death more real.

I don't like it.

Just have to keep muscling it...

It will get better. It has to. You have to go through the bad to get to the good. Everything happens for a reason. It all evens out in the end.

Okay, time to make a few more dollars today...