Monday, May 01, 2006

On Second Thought...

"Dying is a part of Life... I don't know if we each have a destiny. Or if we're all just floating around accidental-like, like a breeze. But I think maybe it's both. Maybe both can happen and live at the same time." Forrest Gump

Maybe it all doesn't even matter in the big picture of it all.

It is what it is.

I am who I am.

Yes, my life is heavy and it is filled with traumatic experiences.

And yes, there have been many who have witnessed the affects my experiences have had on me. Many have left because there was nothing they could do to help. I had to first help myself.

I hope I am finally helping myself this time. I want to be healthy again. I desperately want to be happy again. I desperately need to feel comfortable in my own skin again, Jay's fingerprints and all.

But my heavy experiences are not my entire life. I am only in my twenties. I have years and years ahead of me. And maybe I just lived the really bad, hard, painful stuff in one big lump up until now. And from here on out, I can only live the really great, happy, beautiful stuff because otherwise my life would be unbalanced.

It all evens out in the end.

You have go through the bad to get to the good.

Pieces of me have slowly been pulled off and blended until liquefied. Parts of me have died unfairly. I have too many cuts and bruises to be able to move sometimes (perhaps why I didn't crawl out of bed until 3 this afternoon), but it's okay.

New skin grows over each wound to heal it.

It just takes time.

I can slowly feel my skin growing again. Even in my twenties, there is such a thing as growing pains. Maybe this is why it hurts so much sometimes. Maybe all of my memories and nightmares are just different parts of my skin growing to heal over my invisible wounds. Maybe the growing pains are more painful the older we are because we know more, have lived more, can feel more.

Each life experience is a growing pain.

Some are just more painful than others.

I do believe that everything that happens in our lives has some kind of grand purpose and meaning. I do believe there is rhyme and reason to all of it, but it can never make sense while we are in the middle of it all. I do believe that somehow, if it is meant to be, it will find a way to be.

I don't know what he will decide about me and our last weekend together... But something is different now. And neither of us can really tell what has changed. We just agree that something has changed with us... All I know is that I do care about him very much...


Blogger Jack said...

Good writing from the heart.

Wishing you peace, and occasional moments of pure joy, on your journey.

5/01/2006 12:25 AM  
Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

we also have as our T would say more battle scars than you know what to do with but you are right each piece of skin that grows back is rejuvination to the body, you said that really well :D.
I hope you hear from the guy and you together can come together if that makes any sense :)

5/01/2006 2:45 AM  
Blogger albert said...

"Scorpio's real involvement is not primarily based on love or even pleasure, but on the control and understanding of human emotions and the role they play in the mysterious processes of life and death.

Though you may not spend your life pondering the mysteries of life and death, you are inquisitive and probing, fascinated with how things and people work.

Your mental and physical powers of recuperation are remarkable — and truly evolved (eagle) Scorpios can learn to use their power to help and inspire others."

Hey, I believe we must go through many evolutions to become better beings. Currently, I'm in this stage for quiet sometime now, and I'm not scared like used to be..

I know that I "must" go through this process or I'll be usless.

Sorry, I don't believe in Astrology as my faith. But more I study, I learn to relate better with others, and most importantly I can relate to myself & "work" with my tendencies.

Hope this helps.


5/01/2006 11:00 AM  

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