Monday, May 01, 2006


Everything is shifting right now. I know this is just how Life works but it feels different this time. It feels like anything can go this way or that. I am running blind through an open field, happily knowing there is nothing to stop me - I can run forever. Except I just can't see where the holes are... what if I trip and fall down one of these holes? Then what?

I'm scared.

There's someone at work who's made me uncomfortable since day one. It's weird stuff. I can't explain it. And I'm the only girl so it's strange for me to confront it... again. I confronted it when I first started but now there are little things I can pick up on that I know just don't make me feel right. Call it a woman's intuition. Strange and "playful" contact is sometimes made that I just DON'T like. I have a very playful and outgoing personality but I definately notice when I feel uncomfortable.

I am in a strange situation.

I'm irritated with my work situation. Everything else is fine... except this. And this just totally and completely spoils everything.

Everything is shifting. I am finding myself dreading work because I don't want to see his face or deal with anything that could secretely make me uncomfortable.

I feel stuck in so many different areas of my life.

I feel like so much is totally out of my control.

I feel like everything is shuffling and shifting beneath my feet as I am running blind.

Just for once, I want to feel whole and comfortable. That is all. It is a very simple request.

This writing is becoming too solid, definitive and heavy for me. I recognize it is very cathartic and therapeutic to write all of this down. But, at the same time, it is very numbingly painful.

Only because I have forgotten how to let myself feel anything anymore.

I did feel something that weekend, though. I just think I was alone in feeling it... I'm afraid this is it...

I don't have a fucking clue what is happening with anything.

I am just dreading seeing this man at work tomorrow. He made a strange comment this afternoon that made me stop in my tracks. The other guys didn't say much afterwards, either. I don't know if I misheard or what but either way, I just wanted to leave the fucking office and never return.

I checked the weather online this afternoon, too... where I live, where my brother lives and where she used to live, the one who recently died. I started to get excited at the thought of hanging out with her, sitting outside, swimming, etc. when it hit me like a ton of bricks: She is dead.

What an exhausting time I am having these days.

Although it would be comforting to finally know what he feels about our last night together, I almost don't want to ever know. It doesn't make sense for something to feel so good, scary and confusing all at the same time.

I don't even want to go to sleep because I don't know what work will be like tomorrow...

I don't know what anything will be like tomorrow.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.


Blogger albert said...

" Go with your Guts."

Trust your instinct, Do what your heart tells.

Remember, it's all about the 'timing.'

p.s. Shit, you'll be alright.

5/02/2006 12:18 AM  
Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

not sure what to say we are feeling the same sense of hopelessness and its suffocating us just know we are still here reading and supporting the only way we can

5/02/2006 1:56 AM  
Blogger The Missing Link said...

Thanks guys...

I know everything will work itself out. Just have to write down everything I feel while in the middle of it because I feel like I have to remember this critical time in my life... this time where I am really, truly accepting my life for all it is.

Just because bad things happened doesn't mean I am a bad person. Instead, it all just makes me a BETTER person.

Just writing down every spiraling emotion because I think it is extremely important for my readers to understand just how secretly confusing life is after rape.

So this is what it's like...

5/02/2006 6:26 AM  
Blogger Tammiodo said...

If you trip and fall into an unforseen hole, you scrabble out any way you can, and you start moving again. Even if it's just walking, putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually you will build up momentum to running again.

5/02/2006 5:31 PM  
Blogger The Missing Link said...

thanks tammiodo :)

5/02/2006 10:22 PM  

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