Saturday, May 20, 2006

Wish

I don't know what's going on with me lately...

It's been hitting me really hard that she's dead. I've had a really long and hard week - unfocused and agitated at work, so exhausted I can hardly move, and so distracted that I'm not even paying attention when driving. I feel like I'm so mentally fucked up that I shouldn't be, literally, operating a moving vehicle.

I know my life is exactly where it needs to be right now. I know I am doing really good on the outside. I have a steady job where my bosses recognize, appreciate and compensate for my hard work and effort... although I'm still weirded out by one male co-worker (still don't know how to deal with this). I have a great living situation where I'm renting from a family who is constantly looking out and taking care of me... except now I feel like I've "outgrown" this place. I've paid off my DUI and that whole legal mess... except I still do stupid things I know I shouldn't, and getting caught again will really fuck shit up. I want to go back to counseling so I can learn how to be happy with myself and my life again... but if I hear myself say everything I need to say, then it means it really happened. I (eventually) want a strong and safe lifelong commitment with a man who teaches me what REAL love is all about... but I don't know how I can possible learn if I am scared of men, commitment and happiness.

I connected with a counselor yesterday. I finally returned her call during a rare, "Of course I can do this," moment one afternoon. I explained how reluctant I am with returning to counseling and I don't even know why. This is the most I have ever resisted. But there is a part of me that knows I need to at least try it again for some reason. That's one thing about myself I do appreciate: No matter what, I will (eventually) try everything. It may take me a while to meet you there, but I'll eventually make my way around. Just don't push me, otherwise I'll run for sure and never return. I just have to wait until I'm good and ready. And I know I'm ready when I'm not lost wondering whether or not I'm ready... if that makes sense.

I don't even know what else to say except: I've always felt like I've been trying to live one life as two separate people. I'm my NORMAL self - the social butterfly, the planner & coordinator, the witty, sarcastic and fun girl who loves to meet new people and try new things. And then I'm my SECRET self - the rape survivor, the daughter of an alcoholic dad (he's not like that anymore but I still find myself very hurt and angry about my childhood), the one who has been so emotionally shut down for so long that any feeling at all is totally new and foreign, especially the good ones.

I'm tired of being two different people trying to live one peaceful life.

I see my best girlfriends finally gain their "true happiness" after finding their one "true love." And so then I wonder, maybe all I'm missing is that one guy who shows me how valuable and important my life really is. But then I remember how I could have had all that... he was right there, asking me for the rest of my life and I said no. I could've run away with him. I could've let him "save" me like he wanted. He wanted to give me a new life separate from my rape. I could be married right now, maybe even starting a family. If that's all my girls needed to find their place in their world, then shouldn't that be enough for me?

No way. I'm not like them. I've always been different.

They weren't raped. They didn't grow up with a father like mine. They didn't spend Friday and Saturday nights wrestling their mom away from their drunken dad. They didn't push butcher knives into their stomach to experiment how long until it hurt. They didn't swear to God, just seconds after they were beaten, that they would NEVER rely on a man to EVER take care of them... especially if this was the kind of care a man was capable of.

I'm just rambling now - evidence of how chaotic my head has been with what to do with myself and my life. I know things will work themselves out and I just have to be patient. But I'm getting pretty impatient with being patient. Despite the fact that I am, logically, setting up nicely for my future, I am still unsatisfied with the little things: I wish I wasn't alone, I wish I had a bigger place to entertain friends and celebrations, I wish I could jumpstart my writing career, I wish I always didn't feel so dirty, I wish I could look in the mirror without disgust and hatred, I wish I was more motivated and disciplined, I wish... I was just content with who I am and what my life is.

4 Comments:

Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

i dont have any nice glib stuff to give you because id be buggered as to why you suffered so much awful life experiences just know one day it might seem better just have no time on that if at all. Standing slightly stooped and fragile at the moment beside you but still standing.:)

Amelia

5/21/2006 4:49 AM  
Blogger arkaym said...

I do not know how I stumbled on to your page. I am new to blogging. Yes you seem a bit pissed with things. Its natural to have lows. Sometimes we start thinking about life and get all wound up.especially more so when we feel we are all alone. Its normal. But you have a lot working for you so alls gonna be well and moreover with every new day comes new experiences and a lot of them will be exciting so be cool AND you write bloody well!

5/22/2006 12:15 AM  
Blogger survivor said...

It's so uncanny how it seems like you're in my head. When I read about feeling like two people I almost starting crying, maybe from relief that someone else feels the same way...

Remember I'm right here with you and always have an ear and a shoulder...

5/31/2006 7:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read this and it felt like you were talking about me. I have been through similar experiences (not all the same) but I can 100 percent relate.
I too would love to have that man, but I too apparently push men away for lack of trusting... I'm having a "no" day today, had a "no" weekend. Sinking feeling spent too much time on my own. Wishing to be saved but knowing that's not going to happen. I have to save myself. You too. Its tougher maybe for us than some, but for others even tougher… I am going back to therapy!!?? but there are the days when things are good.. the more you do the right stuff in life for yourself.. the less "no" days there will be.. the more good feeling days there will be.. no magic cure.. but you can do it, I know because I’m also trying to get there!.. hugs xx

4/21/2008 1:11 PM  

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