Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Thanks Readers...

I did go to a new T a few times after my hospital stunt, but something about sitting in a room & talking, talking, talking just doesn't feel right anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. It's uncomfortable, I'm agitated, and I feel like I just don't have anything to say anymore. Like I've exhausted that path for myself... the counseling/therapy path. I know that probably doesn't make any sense to you, considering the confession in my last post, and many people reading this are probably thinking that I'm avoiding the real issue. But... I don't know... it's not that I'm opposed to therapy again. And I have given it a chance. A few chances, actually, with this new guy. But it just doesn't seem to work for me anymore. I can't understand why. But that's just how my heart really feels. So I'm just taking it day by day...

Oh, I was "diagnosed" with all the usual stuff most of us (sexual abuse/rape survivors) experience... my T was not surprised at all by everything I was telling him. Disassociation, Severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression... the list goes on. He said we'd discuss medication during my next appointment, but I never booked it. I know I can call him anytime I feel like I need to talk, and that's really the most important thing for me, I think. To know that I DO have options.

But to be perfectly honest, I really don't want to be on any medication, although it's been suggested to me by all kinds of people for a long time. I've pursued this route during many occasions over the past few years, but something about it just doesn't sit right with me. I just feel like whatever I'm going through, whatever this process of accepting my rape is, I just need to feel it naturally. The highs and lows, the "crazy" feelings, the nervousness, the fear, the paranoia, the nightmares... I just want to let myself go through all this as naturally as I possibly can. I don't want to rely on some pill to get me through the day. I don't want to "mask" anything I'm feeling. I know it's hard, but I can do it. I've been doing it.

I do see a hypnotherapist whenever I feel like I need to get a few things off my chest, though. She was recommended to me through a very good friend/mentor a few years ago. I'm kind of a "special client." I mostly see her for regular therapy/sessions, and haven't actually tried the hypnosis part yet, although we do often talk about when I will be ready to try it. I guess I'm just a little scared of what kind of memories will pop up, and I'm just not ready for that. Yes, I'm definitely scared. I feel myself getting to that point, eventually... maybe in the next few months. I'm pretty sure I'll begin the hypnosis part this year...

There's something about her that I really trust. I pay her in installments, post-dating my checks, and she cashes them whenever I ask her to. She knows I'll pay her, and if I don't have the money to see her, but I'm having a hard time, she'll take me anyway, and I send payment when I'm able to. I'm not religious by any means, but pretty spiritual, I guess. I believe there is an energy greater than us which helps us get through very difficult periods in our lives, and the same energy rewards us to even everything out when the time is right. She's respects this and kind of caters to my situation, personality, characteristics & beliefs. She always helps me better understand my confusion. And I always feel like a huge weight has been lifted after I see her. THIS is my therapy. I call her whenever I need to. And she's always there. Sometimes I see her a few times a month. Sometimes I don't see her for a few months. It just depends how I'm doing. No real schedule. We just go with the flow of my life. I realized a long time ago that if this is what works for me, if this is what helps my heart heal, talking and ironing out my life's painful experiences with her, then why do I need to mess with it? If this is what works, then I don't want to change it.

Anyhow, a big thanks to my readers for being who you are, and just always being there for me in general. I love all of you, although this is an anonymous blogsite. I don't think I would've been able to accept anything about my life if it wasn't for this site. It was definitely very strange to receive feedback at the start of this blog... it was weird to know that my words were being read by actual people, and that there were so many more out there feeling everything I was feeling... feeling like they were all alone... like no one would understand, accept or love me because of everything that's happened to me.

The truth is, YOU understand, accept and love me BECAUSE of everything that's happened to me.

I don't where I'd be if it wasn't for all of you out there... you and this site mean more to my heart's healing than anything else in this world.

THIS IS THE REAL ME. And thank you for accepting me just the way I am.

I want to begin taking a different approach with this site now. I'm moving soon, and am so thrilled for my fresh start. I feel like this world has finally given me permission to move forward and wholeheartedly pursue my writing career. I am very much looking forward to a new environment to begin submitting my work for publication. This is huge for me. I've been living here for three years now... I feel like my life has been in this incredible transition/growing/acceptance period during that time. I've purposely isolated myself the past three years so I can, finally, go THROUGH whatever I needed to go through to get my life back on track. I've been pursuing this move off and on for the past year now, and for it to finally happen... I'm more than excited. I knew I just had to be patient. "It's just not time," I'd always remind myself everytime I became frustrated or agitated with my current situation. But now... this is good. This is very good.

I've also cut a few people out of my life. I just became so tired of feeling like I was being used for something other since sincere, genuine, honest friendship. I grew tired of those situations making me feel like shit. So I had to end them. At least for now. Or maybe forever. I don't know. That doesn't concern me... today concerns me. I can only worry about today, the here and now. I'm doing much better at learning how to do that.

I believe I needed my last suicide attempt (my ninth attempt, I think) to get my heart to this place. Something happened to me while I was in that room. I remember I still had those marks all over my body from all the wires and stickers they had to put on me to monitor different things. They didn't completely fade away for almost two weeks. It was like the world was reminding me that this was my last chance to live or die. Like the world purposely left these marks all over me to remind me of each and every painful experience I've been through... and to also respond to all my pain by, in it's own way, telling me that it, too, will fade away, just like these marks.

Wow. That just brought tears to my eyes.

I seriously can't believe the life I've lived thus far. I can't believe I've been through all shit in my young, twenty-eight years of precious life. I can't believe everything I've survived and witnessed. I can't believe how many times I've tried to kill myself. I can't believe how many times I almost died because of my hard partying habits. I can't believe I'm still alive. I can't believe I survived.


Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

new starts in life are fantastic as long as you dont go back to the old patterns when things rear their ugly head.
Stiuck with ur T she sounds amazing and we will continue to read and see how you are going.

3/01/2007 12:07 AM  
Blogger albert said...

Hello sis,

Moving sounds great.

Good luck at your new nest!

And remember, we love you.

3/01/2007 2:38 PM  
Blogger The Missing Link said...

Thanks JIP... I'll be fine. I recognize the severity of what I did six months ago. And I also know how easy it is to get back into a rut.

I think I'm just over talking about all these things in my past. I know I have options and outlets anytime I feel myself getting to those places. And I'm not afraid to use them anymore.

I know I can't change anything in my past, but I can control my future. I promise I'm taking better care of myself. I think I just needed to cut out everything in my life, including people, that contributed to this drained, heavy feeling that I wasn't worth it. I've learned how to tell it like it is, letting others know when they say/do things that make me feel like shit, and explaining WHY it makes me feel the way it does. I can't help how I feel, and if they respect me enough to understand my life as a whole, then great. If not, I know I deserve better, and I'm moving on. Life's way too short, and I've spent way too much of my life just barely surviving. I just want to live now.

I deserve to live my life now. That's all I want to do. To live my life, and share it with the ones who respect, understand and love me for ALL of me, the good and bad. Because ALL of that makes me who I am.

Don't get me wrong, it does hurt to cut people out of my life (especially one man in particular), but I have to do it.

I have to move on and live my life. I'm looking forward to seeing which new direction this blog will take... time will tell :)

But more than being honest about all of that, what's helped me the most is connecting with enough rape survivors to know that I am validated in every feeling I have, and exp

3/01/2007 2:42 PM  
Blogger I Survive! said...

I'm glad to see that you are making efforts to get a fresh start.

I think it is important to find a T who you feel comfortable with. It sounds like you found that in your hypnotherapist rather than in he other. I remember the many times I was scared of what memories might come out just like you are. As you yourself said it, you will know when you get there. I promise you, whatever pain arises from it, it is all worth in the end when you have worked through them. But make a commitment with yourself to work it through.

I too resisted trying any drugs. For me writing, mindfulness meditation and yoga helped. But I think you should talk to your T about this to find out what could work for you.

Whatever you do, we are here to support you. Keep writing so we know how you are doing.

3/01/2007 9:11 PM  
Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

((((safe hugs ML))))
I think of you often, even tho I've been quite out of it lately. I'd be in the hospital myself right now if I hadn't already had so many shitty experiences in them. I don't like prescription drugs either...but sometimes I couldn't avoid them and stay alive. I also think talk therapy only goes so far--esp if you have PTSD and/or a dissociative disorder. I just started working with someone who really has experience with dissociation. I think she's gonna help me. I know it's a long road, tho. I hope you like your new place and keep on keepin' on!

3/02/2007 8:13 AM  
Blogger The Missing Link said...

Thanks everyone :)

Albert... how are you doing? It's been a while, hasn't it?

I Survive - we both turn to writing and exercise to clear our heads and rest our hearts. I'll defin keep you posted. And as soon as I have a break, I'll re-add each of you in my sidebar... for both blogs.

Marj - Boy, it's been way too long! You, too, are often in my thoughts, and I can't wait until we get to that place of making all our projects a reality for survivors everywhere :)

3/07/2007 9:23 PM  
Blogger albert said...

You're a sweetheart.

3/08/2007 8:57 AM  
Blogger Marcella Chester said...

ML, making respect be the price of being in your life is a great move. You deserve to be respected and if people aren't giving you that they either need to learn how to respect you or they need to understand that there are consequences for not treating you will full respect.

As many rape and abuse survivors know, those who rape and abuse are not respectful people and try to put the responsibility for their disrespect on your shoulders.

"I would respect you if only you ..." is a flat-out lie that tries to make you responsible for their unacceptable behavior.

3/10/2007 3:29 PM  

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