Sunday, March 11, 2007

FYI

No more drinking and writing. It does help sometimes to get the hard stuff out, especially when the memories/flashbacks get bad at night. And I've been drinking every night this past week to help me sleep (in all honesty) because the nightmares have been crazy. But I can't be relying on a few drinks to write anymore. I'm done with that part of my "creative process."

This weekend has been relaxing. Been having one of my "Missing Link" weekends, the kind where I pretty much ignore everyone and everything, and do whatever the hell I want. I've been having one of those lives, actually! It's unusually warm here this weekend, so I'm anxious for my first beach trip this year. And every Sunday, local artists set up little spots all along the beach/harbor to sell their handmade things. It's actually very cool. I love that about this town. All of the creativity that just kind of oozes around here. I know sooo many writers, artists, publishers, agents, actors, actresses, songwriters, etc. etc. I must admit that I am extremely lucky to be able to afford my own place in this town. Although I do sometimes get a little bored with having all my good friends live far away. And now, I have this horrible feeling my best friend might be moving across the country! I don't want her to go, but I also know she's been needing a big change for a while, like me. She's taking a trip out there to visit one of her best friends (who I adore, too), and I have a feeling she's gonna check out jobs and places to live with her! It's scary to have my only sanity leave me but that just means I get to fly out there to visit them both.

Anyhow, just needed to remind myself to NOT drink anymore while writing. I drink a little too much sometimes when I'm on a roll with my writing (like last night) and I hate waking up the next morning and having last night be a little bit of a blur!

And I kind of realize this morning that my life is just where it needs to be. I do miss certain people and relationships, but life just continues to evolve as we do. If all the relationships in my life stayed the same, I'd be worried. Our relationship are meant to change because WE are never the same people, either. If we, as people, are constantly evolving, it's only natural for our relationships, hopes, dreams, wishes, wants and needs to do the same.

I have to admit I wish he wanted our friendship to evolve into something more as we continued to evolve within our own lives. I didn't realize that's maybe how I wanted our friendship to change and grow until almost two years after knowing him. He never saw me in that way, I think. He was just in it for the sex. That's all he wanted, I think... I think the only reason it worked for him was because the sex was pretty great. You can imagine how that started to confuse me... especially at a time when I'm finally admitting, confronting, accepting and integrating my rape and childhood experiences into the rest of my life.

I miss how fun and easy it was. And of course, I miss the sex just because he was the best I had ever had... but that doesn't mean I won't have great sex again with someone else who is that patient and slow with me.

If you're reading this, I'm over it. I admit I will think about you from time to time and wonder what the hell happened, and why you don't want to be with me "in that way" after I thought I was doing the right thing the entire time... just going with the flow and not really thinking about much else, except getting through my personal shit the best I can and having fun with you whenever I could... but shit happens, and change is the only constant.

Cheers to all these changes to (slowly but surely) better my life, process my rape, and accept myself just as I am.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Robert said...

Hey friend...good to know that u r trying out to keep fine...and one thing I would like to say that drinking might to a certain extent help u forget things but it doesnt really help u or boost u up to face the bitter reality...u need to have a strong mind for that and the only contribution drinking does to ur mind is make ir weaker...so u r the best judge! best wishes :)

3/12/2007 5:34 AM  
Blogger I Survive! said...

It is wonderful to see you are doing better. I know it is hard to be in your place -- finally acknowledging, and more importantly accepting and integrating your childhood experiences. You should trust your underlying instincts to guide you. My best regards!

3/13/2007 7:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I just randomly came across your blog while looking up lyrics to a song and I read it entirely. I was raped when I was four years old and I am now seventeen, a junior in high school. That's the weirdest thing I have ever had to type. I've always surpressed any feelings about it since it happened when I was so young and the memories of it are vivid but few since I have blocked it from my mind. I was also sexually harassed by my cousin who commanded me to touch him in inappropriate places when I was in second grade, he was sixteen. I have never told anyone about either situation and as I read your blog I couldn't help but get angry at myself for being so helpless. As I followed the emotional roller coaster you have experienced and dealt with it was theraputic in coming to terms with the reality that I always try to avoid. It is so haunting but I don't want to tell anyone because I'm afraid for so many reasons. If I can convince myself that it isn't real then how can I feel pain? That is my warped logic. Thank you for being so open, you really inspired me to look within myself and try to find the strength to recognize what happened to me.

3/13/2007 9:13 PM  
Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

to anon,
we hope you do, and hope it helps tpo read other felow survivors sites.

to m.l
hang in there, lifes such a rollercoaster ride isnt it?

3/14/2007 12:08 AM  

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