Thursday, January 17, 2008

Do you think...

... that everything that happens in our lives is fated to be a part of our life's blueprint? Or do we, somehow, based on the choices we make over time, fall into certain situations and experiences? In other words... do you think we somehow, subconsciously, choose the experiences we go through?

It keeps replaying in my head: "...I don't know what to say. It just seems like such horrible luck..." The truth is, no one knows what to say when unexplainable & unfair things happen. Only when good things happen do we talk about our lives. Wait. That's besides the point. "Horrible luck." I don't know if Life is based on good or bad luck... it's not horrible luck, it's just reality... Life... shit that goes down, shit no one talks about because it IS a horrible, defeating task to discuss the heavy stuff... the shit that almost killed you... the shit that was/is so unbearable to live with that you sometimes WISH it killed you...

I'm trying to understand what the point of everything is right now. What's the point of all this "horrible luck"?? What's the point of being so young and experiencing so much shit? Well... being bigger, better & stronger than most out there is a huge advantage... but does one, single, tiny little person have to constantly be tested in order to earn her god damn courage badge?

I don't get it. I do... but I don't. This past week has been fucking crazy. And today was one of the craziest days of my life. I just don't understand what's going on sometimes... I mean, come on... seriously?? Does Life really have this cruel of a sense of humor?

I'm curious... thinking aloud... confused... can't sleep... the day's events replaying in my head...


Can't believe my life is what it is.

Really? Again? You're putting me through all this again? I don't understand why. And with what happenend on Friday night... this is just plain ridiculous. I thought I had that situation under control, chalking it up to... convincing myself that it was all in my head, just like last time. But no. Why would I knowingly avoid something that took me to ten years to accept the first time around? Haven't I learned anything? What kind of advocate would I be if I did not handle this right away?

Friday's events are a huge slap in my face. "Take care of your shit, Missing Link. Handle it right this time. Do something. Fear is unforgiving." Be grateful she is okay, alive and well. Be grateful he is not on the streets. Be grateful he admitted what he did today. Be grateful for: "I take full responsbility." Just before he turned around and denied everything. My last words: "You fucked up real bad. Leave me alone for good. Go to hell."


Just seeing that word cuts my insides to shreds. Saying it sends a knife piercing through my heart. SEXUAL ASSAULT is softer, smoother... it rolls of the tongue a little easier... it's Rape, only sugarcoated.

Open your eyes. Talk. Share. Discuss. Educate. Prevent. Survive.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand WHY this issue is still so hush-hush. I can't understand. I never will. I don't want to. I just want it to stop. All of it. Forever. It's impossible, I know. This is the one thing I do know for sure... to rid this world of all crime is humanly impossible, but fuck you, I'm going to try. And so should you.

I'm drifting off into crazyland confusion now... unsure how I really feel about much these days... only knowing the handful of good souls I know I can trust. The rest? Well, the rest... it's all a god damn, fucked up crapshoot.

The game's the same, it's the rules that've changed. And rules were meant to be broken.


Blogger Breaking Porcelain said...

The missing link,
I found your blog while searching for blogs that focused on rape, sexual assault, survival... I'm new to this blogging thing, but I created one for myself about a week ago as an outlet for my thoughts, my memories, my confusion about my own experiences. I began to wonder how many similar blogs were out there, started searching & I found yours... I've read a couple of your more recent posts & there are a couple of things I wanted to say. First... thank you. Thank you for sharing, for feeling, for voicing your truths. You have a wonderful way with words that is raw, real & beautiful. There is no sugar coating... it is what it is. Our realities. Different circumstances that have left us with the same emotions, the same pain, the same struggle. You are not alone. While I know that seems obvious, it is still so easy to feel that way. We are not alone. There are many of us. More than there ever should be... Continue talking. Continue sharing. Keep reaching out... and again, thank you.

1/25/2008 10:25 AM  

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