Sunday, September 30, 2012

Not Sober...

Hi readers... it's been a while, a lot to say and catch up on, but in a nutshell:

Got into grad school :)
Been dating a great guy for a little over a year now
Work projects are coming to a close, which makes me very happy
Running a half marathon in 2 weeks

I'm not sober right now, but need to check in. Lots going through my head lately about my life, what has happened and whatever changes are coming around... I feel like these are changes that will open many doors for what I ultimately want to do with my life, which is focus on my writing and my nonprofit work.

I will try to better about checking in... make it a schedule, like writing every Wednesday or something so I don't get caught up with life but am still present to let you all know that LIFE AFTER RAPE IS POSSIBLE.

I never imagined that I would feel this at peace with my life experiences - that I have tried TEN TIMES to kill myself... how horrible if I had, in fact, died... I would never know that life can be rewarding and happiness is possible.

Don't get me wrong, I still wonder sometimes why my boyfriend loves me - I feel like I have so much baggage!

But..

It's just that... baggage...

Baggage that I don't need to take with me unless I want to... I can place it in storage and check in on it when I feel like I need to.

Or, I can just leave it in storage.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing that what has happened in your life HAS happened. And it's painful, hurtful, confusing, and very scary. Nightmares about being raped repeatedly or attacked by faceless strangers creates lack of sleep, which then creates all sorts of problems in other areas of your life. Not to mention using drugs or alcohol as an escape from the pain - anything to make you feel happy in the moment because the long term feeling just plain sucks ass.

But the things with escapes like drugs or alcohol - they're a depressant. Alcohol definitely is. But drugs... when you get high, and then come down from that high - it fucks even more with your head.

Like now, I'm high.

And a part of me wishes I wasn't. A part of me wishes that I didn't still like partying.

But I feel like I'm celebrating when I party - celebrate the fact that I'm here and living and breathing.

Except to REALLY enjoy the celebration, I should be sober and have the moment be pure, letting myself be as natural as the day I was born.

I think all I really want to say right now is that LIFE AFTER RAPE IS POSSIBLE.

I knew I'd get to a place of feeling at peace with all the shit that has happened... I just didn't know if that peace would come when I was dead.

That's a sad, sad thought to have.

To think that the only way you can feel peace and a calmness within is to be dead.

I can't believe that my life is what it has been.

But another truth is that everyone has a life that is unbelievable in some way.

You just have to sit down and listen to their story. And then share your story. And you will see that we are alike in our pain and turmoil. And once you realize that - once you FEEL like you are not alone - you will begin to see that you can make it through because this other person has made it through.

It breaks my heart how many women I know that have been raped... and it fucking pisses me off.

And the fact that SO many go unreported - it's fucked up that we feel like we can't report our rapist.

I want you all to know - every one of you that has been raped, or knows someone who has - that IT DOES GET BETTER.

I mean, look at me... read my posts from when I first began this blog years ago... even posting right after I returned from the ER, which was my last suicide attempt.

I'm not going to lie to you about the process - it's fucking hard, and twisted and fucked up - everything about it... but it's just that... A PROCESS.

You have to see it through to the end before you can move on from it... life doesn't let you jump ahead at your will.

You will needs to stay focused on staying healthy, accepting the experience and learning how to be YOU again after being raped.

And learning about who you are is always going to be evolving... the older you get, the more experiences you have, the more people you meet... you will always be learning more and more about what and what you do and don't want in your life.

Setting boundaries and recognizing your true potential... and believing in yourself to make the right decision for you.

Fuck everyone else.

You must take care of yourself first and foremost.

Not escape reality... but taking care of yourself - mind, body and soul - in your reality.

That's all for now... I'll check in again next week... Wednesdays are a good day, I think... the middle of the week...

3 Comments:

Blogger Dawid Białoń said...

My condolences if anyone of my friends did something like that I personally found the man and I think it would have killed

11/28/2012 10:15 AM  
Blogger Rachel Sampalli said...

I wrote a post, much like this one, on reddit. A post saying "Look, things get better after rape! I'm better. I survived! I'm happy!" Yet here I am, falling to pieces. My question is: Will I ever feel resolved? I used to be so happy, everyone admired that about me. How happy and carefree and cheerful I was. Than I was raped. And now I feel like any happy moments I have are just because I distracted myself from my misery for a small moment. Will I deal with depression for the rest of my life? My mother was molested all of her child hood. She's 50 something and I'd never call her a happy person. Now that I've been raped I see so much of her in me. Will I be miserable for the rest of my life? I can't do this any longer. I hate myself and I hate my life and I just don't think I can take this.

1/08/2013 8:24 PM  
Blogger Rachel Sampalli said...

I'm so sorry if my last comment brought people down. Maybe you shouldn't post it. I don't think that helped anyone move on or let go. I'm sorry.

1/08/2013 8:27 PM  

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