Tuesday, October 20, 2009

what a long, shit day.

it's been one of those days... the heart's a little tired, write it out... questioning why I moved here. doubting my choices. thinking about... missing old relationships - the past is familiar, it feels safe, I've been there, I know what it's all about, what to expect, how I feel, cant get screwed if you know what to expect... curious, wondering, thinking about new relationships - the only constant is change, and you need change to grow. convos with bosses circling in my head all day. unsure why I'm here doing this job, considering... trying to read between the lines with whatever my real job is... sleepless nights again... one month... its all good, though... life isn't the same anymore, it's better... ive learned to prioritize with resting my head and heart when needed... takin it easy... no pressure... it's life, it is what it is... everyone goes through their own personal shit, and everyone will judge & assume... the grass is always greener... but reality is when it happens to you... and so... now... I'm back, all in with open arms... bigger, better... winning! finally, its about fucking time... why have I been pushed/pulled back here? not analyzing, just thinking... feeling... someone once told me that the hardest thing about being a (nonfiction) writer is that, more often than not, you find yourself observing life versus living life... I've lived plenty of lives thus far that I've become quite the expert at doing both simultaneously... its exhausting, sometimes, you know - being back here... but not in a bad way... in an interesting, curious, fascinating, kid-in-a-candy-store kind of a way... as much as I fought it (another habit - I'm a fighter... it can be good, but also not so good sometimes)... I've got to stick with the choice... commit, dammit! that's weird... since when do I EVER commit?!... whatever it is, regardless of how long and hard I fought it... the world says nope, you gotta go... with a stronger heart... clearer, different eyes... this is where I'm supposed to be... befriending the enemy? once and for all? thought that's what round one was all about... then the car accident... even the cop, my new bff, was amazed at how I made it through... gave me his email address so I could, one day, send him the story... "it's just another chapter in my book," I told him... that was then... and now... it's just another wave... life will keep happening in waves, the highs and lows, the good and bad... it has to in order for there to be some kind of balance in our lives... life's waves will keep washing away the old and bringing forth the new... that's how it's supposed to work... it all evens out in the end... it has to... and it will... it always does... just like brother said, there's now smoke, soon fire...

wow. that's weird. I never ramble.......... :)

... recently sent the below email to big brother... good reminder for myself, and anyone else that needs a little kick in the ass every now and again... today's been a long, shit day... but tomorrow's a new one... live each day as a separate life...

everyone will always have an opinion about how you should live your life and the choices youve made along the way... its inevitable - plenty of ridiculous people and relationships have taught me that.

the tricky part is being able to separate life's static, aka irrelevant bs, from the work you know you were meant to do.

you cant let what others fail to see blind you, too.

stay strong and keep the faith that you'll get there... its not always about the goal - sometimes, its about the process. nobody said this life stuff was going to be easy... and God never gauranteed a solid deadline for ultimate happiness... as long as you keep making the choices to get you there, thats all that matters.

who is going to support you in your endeavors is never clear. people you think should "get it" more often that not, don't get it. that doesnt mean your pursuit is not worth the hard work or all the focus you're putting towards it.

big moves take big faith and big work.

you'll be fine.

and to all the haters: in one ear, and out the other.

now get to work. and kill it.

go fight win.

love you


Blogger Gyatso said...

Dear Missing Link

(I hope this isn't a third repost!!)

Just wanted to say how much I appreciate what you are offering to so many people. It is courageous, it is heart breaking - but, perhaps above all, it is rich with basic goodness and dignity. Stuff we all need.

So thank you.
I hope though that there comes a day when you no longer feel called to this blog, a day when the work is done.

Kind regards,


10/27/2009 7:54 PM  
Blogger The Missing Link said...

G - many thanks for your comments ;) To be honest, I have thought many times about starting a new blog, and getting away from this one... or maybe even deleting ths one entirely because I cant believe ALL of this has been my life thus far.

But then it occurs to me...

If I walk away from this or delete it, then I'm falling back into my pattern of not owning who I am and what my life/reality is... and I never, ever want to deny this part of my life, as it's the most real, honest, deepest parts my heart and soul.

More than all that, though, I want to keep writing and sharing on this very blog not because I'm in a "bad place" but because of the exact opposite, actually...

I feel like it's my duty/mission in life to not let one more survivor go through this alone, like I did for so many years. I want all of this to stay right here, and I want to keep writing and sharing now, after I've walked through the dark to see the light, as pure and honest evidence for other survivors that they, too, can get through this. The pain, blood, sweat and tears will be as real as staring death in the face, and it will be so fucking hard sometimes to get through the days... but not impossible...

I want to keep sharing here, after I've come out the other side of all this shit because it's proof that it's possible. All I want is to help other survivors not give up, to give them hope, to give them the unconditional love and understanding that they need to keep fighting the fight.

And on top of that, I want others to know what we, survivors, have to endure... how rape can change your entire being to the core...

its such a hard topic to stomach and discuss... nobody wants to talk about it. but its reality. unfortunatately.

I so badly want rape to NOT be a reality that I keep sharing, helping people you understand what it's been like for us... walking away with a little more knowledge and awareness...

thanks for taking the time to read and commment :) much love, xo

10/27/2009 9:52 PM  

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