Sunday, July 20, 2008

Family Ties

I'm at my Grandmother's house right now. She passed away March 31, 2006. Last time I came out here for a visit was Christmas the same year. It's been a year and a half since I've made the trip. And it's not even far. I just haven't done it. And I don't know why.

I told myself a few days ago that no matter how busy I am, I have to make time for my family, for these visits, because no one knows you like your family.

But now that I'm here again, visiting only for the second/third time in two years, I'm wondering if even they really know me.

I don't know if it's true that because you have the same DNA, you automatically understand and accept everyone in your family. But I'm wondering about the flipside: If I will ever be understood and accepted by all of them.

I want to tell them about the rapes and how things have been, but I can't - I come from a different culture... a culture where I would be blamed for what happened because women are supposed to be submissive and obedient... a culture where women have no say in their way of life... they just live as they are told.

I thought - I WISHED - I'd have different internal reactions to certain situations I knew I would be in... but instead, I'm realizing I'm just growing more and more frustrated at how some things will never change. But isn't the only constant supposed to be change?

I wish the fights didn't happen... I wish some would drop their drama and get back to their normal relationships... I wish some wouldn't go out of their way to make inappropriate comments at the wrong time in front of the wrong people... I wish I didn't feel like I have to hide stuff to just preserve the peace... but most of all, I wish I didn't feel like some people were so fake with each other...

I just get so tired of feeling like everything is so make believe around here... too tired to write more... going to finish my wine, watch tv and get some sleep.


Blogger albert said...

I know how you feel since coming from a similar surroundings myself. I had to witness and suffer by being in a wrong household with a father who was abusive towards his spouse.

It's not easy but, I managed to forgive him for his wrong doings. On the other hand, my mother still has her regrets and hatred, and it really kills me to see her changed from my childhood memories.

It's has been very tough on all of us. I'm sure it was as tough on him as well. If he hasn't figured out by now then he must deal with this sometime later. I did forgave my father for his dumbassness but I won't forget.

10/15/2009 4:19 AM  

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