Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Rule #1: Trust Yourself

I think it's safe to say I'm over this new guy I've been dating. I know I just wrote how much I liked him, but after I met with my therapist today, I know I have to trust my gut instead of what I hope will be... hoping because I think there's something I should do differently to make it work... something I should do because I feel like I have to fix everything... fix everything around me because I can't fix myself...

But I'm not broken.

My trust is broken - yes.
My motivation to try another relationship is broken - yes.
My faith that there are still good-natured, whole, real people out there is broken - yes.

Or maybe these are the things that don't necessarily need fixing... they just a little reconstructive surgery... a fresh outlook... a new beginning...

Ironically, my biggest struggles are the things I value the most about myself - is that even possible? The fact that I am a very trusting and loyal person - but I have such a hard time trusting others... My motivation to help others in their recovery to finding a better life after rape - but I sometimes find myself lacking the motivation I'm so ready and able to provide... And reminding others that anything is possible if you keep faith in your strength and courage to overcome anything... but I sometimes feel like I have the least amount of faith in myself.

I like this new guy, but I know myself much better now. I've done a shitload of self-reflection and emotional purging of my biggest, scariest life demons these past few years (as you'll notice from my early posts). I know I'm a completely different person - a better, safer, more solid woman and human being because I can FEEL it. I can feel myself actually experiencing Life in the moment. The emotion felt is besides the point - anger, happiness, sadness, pain, confusion, frustration, love - whatever it is, it doesn't matter. The point is that I am finally letting myself feel everything. That's when you know you are really alive, in my opinion... when you know you've earned your space in this World... when you can actually stop and feel yourself living every possible emotion Life throws at you. Not letting feeling my most horrific life experiences when they happened is what led to my last suicide attempt (my ninth or tenth overdose, I can't even remember anymore, there's been so many)... this one landing me in the ER.

That's what happens when you experience Life to the black, hollow depths of rape and abuse. You shut yourself down emotionally to survive mentally until you've been shut down for so long that you can't function anymore... long enough to see suicide as a step up instead of a step underground.

The things that bother me about this new relationship are things that can get better over time... if we actually stuck to our words and spent more time together. We always talk about how we want to hang out more, but it never happens. It's all talk, and I'm honestly realizing that I really don't know him well enough to keep trusting what he says. So I'm just over it. He'll say some nice little things here and there that temporarily make me push my relationship question marks aside, but in the end, when he says/does something that makes me question why I'm really pursuing this relationship, I'm back to my, "I should know better..." thought.

I've been through enough at this point... [clarification] I've survived enough in my life to know what I want... and who I want. I think we dated before, but I can't know for sure... still think about him from time to time, though... I suppose if it's meant to be, we'll find each other again. But for now, given all the recent drama I've had with all kinds of friends and boys, I think I just need time to let some nagging, bad-relationship vibes die so I can finally rebuild better, healthier ones.

That's all I can trust for now... just this invisible force that is pushing me to trust myself more than anyone else, especially a new guy that wants a relationship only when it's convenient for him... that's the exact opposite of a relationship. So it's done... I'm over it. And I feel much better... back to myself... and a little relieved, to be completely honest... relieved that I had enough faith and trust in myself to do the right thing for me, not for him.


Post a Comment

<< Home

Copyright 2006 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including printing and photocopying, recording or by any other information storage or retrievel system, without permission in writing from the publisher.