Saturday, August 01, 2009

Raped-Version vs Real-Version

My last suicide attempt was September 2006... if you go back in my blog that far, I think there's even a post when I returned from the hospital.

Cops were at my house, paramedics soon afterwards, put me on a stretcher and wheeled me out to the ambulance... all kind of tests on the way... ER for the rest of the day and night. My brother and cousin drove out to my house the next day and talked me into staying with my brother for a while.

But lately, over the past year or so, I've been noticing that they treat me much differently now than before all that. It makes sense, of course, but I'm much better now - I don't know how else to get that point across. My life's done a 180 since the ER bullshit... stable job, stable income, debt paid off... I'm solid. I'm good.

But even though they know I have all that, it still feels like they treat me like a broken little girl... someone who is always "thinking too much," or "depressed/moody"... they can't see the change, and it's apparent in more recent life conversations we've had.

Don't know how to really explain it. They just talk to me differently... like they're talking down to me, as if they still see that lost, fucked up girl who tried to kill herself... and I always feel like I'm ganged up on - it's two of them against me when it comes to "how I am"... they support each other and I'm automatically wrong... I hate it. I can never win...

I'm starting to realize that maybe I don't want anyone to know the real me anymore. Maybe I've done things all wrong to date... instead of opening up and trusting, maybe I should keep my life to myself and live however I see fit. If I talk about things, I'm complaining, depressed or acting like a victim. If I don't talk about things, I'm stubborn, moody and selfish. What the fuck is that about? I don't know how to deal with this shit. I'm tired of feeling like so many relationships in my life are such work... and why am I even trying anymore?? Like I'm always fighting to be understood... as if some people don't want to see the change in my life because where I was before was comfortable... for THEM. And now that I'm much different, they don't know what to do or how to handle it. But I don't know how much of that I believe, either.

I wonder how my relationships would be different had I never been raped... how would people treat me differently if they never knew?... how would I be different if it never happened?... better at dating, that's for sure... and trusting... and less paranoid about certain situations and people...

I don't know what I'm rambling about anymore. I keep having this nagging feeling like no matter how hard I try, there are some people that just can't, or won't, see the change. It's disappointing and frustrating. And it hurts.

Rape has a very, very strange afterlife... it never completely goes away. It's an experience that shakes your entire being to the core... life as you know it is never the same... you have to adjust and adapt to your new world...

I don't know if there will be people in my life who will always see the raped-version or the real-version of myself. And by raped-version, I mean the confused, broken, depressed girl who was struggling with reality... maybe there will always be some people who won't see anything else...

Am I crazy?

Am I making sense?

I'm curious, have you ever felt like, no matter how hard you try, there will be those who will never see the change...?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i can completely relate. but in my case the stereotyping of me was not as a hopeless victim but more as a rape-prone girl. my sexuality was thought of as being strange or confusing, as if it wasnt rape, as if it was my choice of sex rather than abuse. 5 years on, i still find mysef defending myself, reminding my partner that i never at any point had a choice whether to be raped or not.

8/03/2009 4:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I found your blog. I was raped 15 years ago and it still messes me up today with connecting intimately with my husband. I thought I was over it, but I'm not. He always wonders why I'm just not "there". I'm glad to know I'm not alone. I just need to figure out how to move on and connect emotionally as well as physically. It's hard. I keep pretending I'm someone else. Thank you for posting your stories.

8/26/2009 6:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for your blog, it helps me to knowing I'm not alone.

8/31/2009 9:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Having also been raped, I think that you should not go through this pain alone and you need to get help, maybe a therapist, or psychiatrist or rape-victims group or some non-judgemental person who can lead you out of the despair that this experience has created. It is the post-trauma from having been forcibly violated and sometimes, as in my case, kidnapped that should be treated as a post-trauma distress disorder, much like a soldier returning from the war. Your family may be clueless about what to do so you may have to seek this help by yourself. Its worth this effort, unfortunately if you don't deal with it now, it will haunt you later. Good luck!

9/12/2009 6:09 PM  

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