Monday, February 20, 2006

I Was Raped for a Reason

Okay - two posts in the same night must mean I am really confused.

I don't know how to explain this, but I can't shake this nagging feeling that my rape happened for a reason. Maybe I keep telling myself that as a way to trick my mind into accepting it. Maybe I have to believe that in order to put one foot in front of the other. Maybe I will never know why Jay did what he did. But maybe I have to find some kind of answer to satisfy me in order to feel like I am something more than wasted skin and wasted space.

That's all I feel like I am - wasted skin and wasted space. This is how I described my place in the world to a rape crisis counselor once:

I'm a leftover... he just threw me away after he was done with me. He did what he wanted with me and then just threw my skin away - crumpled up like a piece of paper - in some dark, cold and dirty alley somewhere. There is nothing left inside because he took it. Only my shell - my skin - was left over. And then it's as if The World saw my crumpled up layer of skin and thought, 'I can't let this go to waste. I can make another person.' And so The World tried to make me whole again, picking up my skin and stuffing it with all the things required to be alive - stomach, intenstines, brain, heart, liver, etc... Except nothing inside of me fits properly because it isn't how I was originally made up. Everything is malfunctioning. I have horrible mood swings, crying spells, nightmares, social anxiety... all of this a result of being a leftover. The World tried to make me whole again, but it's almost as if she made things worse because I am a disconnected leftover with my rapist holding the missing parts.


Blogger survivor said...

Hi ML,

I am very sorry for your pain and that you're feeling alone.

You hit it right on the nail though - that you start to build your life over.

Y'know the old cliche what doesn't kill us makes us stronger - it's an old cliche because it really is true. It's just really hard to keep drudging through all the pain, shame, loneliness, guilt, fear, anger.. you name it. Keep your head up and keep fighting!

Thanks for leaving your email address. Please also feel free to contact me at any time,

Hang in there and take care of you!

2/20/2006 11:04 PM  

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