More Memories

I couldn't sleep last night again. All of a sudden, I began to regret sending that email to my ex-boyfriend - thinking I am so damn stupid for ever thinking he would ever want anything to do with me after the way I lied about why I didn't want to start the rest of my life with him. I miss him terribly. But only because I am vulnerable, I keep telling myself. See what is happening to me? I don't even trust my own feelings anymore.

And then, out of nowhere, I remembered a time in my life when I had taken up an eating disorder - bulimia. Everyone always assumed I was anorexic because of my small frame, but I never had any eating issues. I was always healthy. I used to be really sick as a baby - almost died a few times, I guess - but I never even thought about eating disorders or that I would ever end up admitting to having one. That is my struggle with my rape, I suppose - that I never beleived it could happen to me... until it did.

I took a year off of college and worked at a publishing company. I was making a lot of money and spending it all on partying - drinking and cocaine, mostly. Pot to help me sleep after doing lines all night. I blew all my money on... well... blow. That's when I started the bulimia.

It didn't last very long - only for a few months... or maybe longer, I don't know. But I remember the last time I made myself throw up: I went home for lunch and had some leftover pizza. I was watching TV and started to feel awful and real sad. I went upstairs to my bathroom and made myself throw it all up. I was surprised at how easy/routine this was becoming for me. I saw it laying there in the toilet, flushed it and watched it go down, stood up, turned around and stared at myself in the mirror. I began to just cry and cry and cry. And then I pulled myself together, washed my face, reapplied my makeup and went back to work as if nothing had happened.